WWYD if 'D'P did this to your DS

[intenserecovery]

A few months ago we moved into DP's house. It has been very difficult to be honest as he has grown up kids and was very strict, I have 12 year old DS who is a lively lad. Basically they were messing about pranking each other a little last night and DP had enough told DS to stop bothering him and go and play on trampoline, which is fine. But when DS went out DP locked the back door - DS ran back and looked worried and was trying to open the door. I know him well and could see he didn't like it and was getting upset. I was sat at kitchen table and said to DP 'open the door' - the exact reason I didn't get up and do it myself is that I am trying to let them sort their own stuff out and me getting up and doing it would be me interfering and 'saving' DS. DP opens the door but then kicks off at me saying I can't tell him what to do in his house, and if he chooses to discipline DS in this way he can do. I said no I don't agree with locking him outside, he was scared (DS is big scaredy cat). He didn't need to do that. He said if it was his child he would have locked them out, I said well thats up to you but I don't do it with mine.

What do you make of this?

[twistletonsmythe]

he sounds like a nasty bully tbh. Poor ds.

[AlternativeTentacles]

He sees you as lodgers and him as the big cheese. And no, you dont lock people out of their home.

[Stinkersmum]

I would've gone mad at DP. But you can't have it both ways. You say you want them to sort themselves out but then you interject when you don't like what DP is doing. What exactly do you want?

[Lweji]

Leave now, without a doubt.

You are in his house, and it was not a joke (he didn't even try to disguise it), it was punishment, and after tricking a child.
This is not being strict, it's being cruel.

Please leave this man, for your child's sake and yours.

No excuses.

[minandensommerhus]

My relationship with my children is too precious to risk making them feel betrayed and scared like this.

I'm a single parent and have never moved my children lock stock and barrel in to a man's house. .

i would in your shoes say, son, I am sorry, I made a mistake, this man has anger issues, tell your son "YOU come first and we are moving out when I can arrange it"

[PurpleWithRed]

Not a good sign. You need to get this sorted before you make your DS very unhappy and resentful. DS is totally dependent on you, and it's not fair to him to give him a home he can't be happy in.

[Yeasayer]

I don't think that's acceptable at all. If DP had had enough he should explain to DS; he's old enough to understand. Locking him out of the house (especially considering you only moved in a few months ago), is just plain nasty IMO. I do think you were right to get DP to open the door and not do it yourself.

[BreadmakerFan]

What I make of that is you are not in an equal relationship, you are not a family and your child is being bullied and scared by your lover.

[popalot]

Not nice. Children shouldn't be demeaned like that. I'd move back out. This is your warning sign when you decide who to put first: this man or your son.

[TheMotherOfAllDilemmas]

You have moved in, but you are still talking of this house as his house. You really can't relax in a place and assume you are loved and accepted if you have to behave as a guest at all times.

I think the nastiness is in the small details. TBH, if he is locking him out when you are around and in front of your eyes, I would be wondering what will he be doing when you are not around.

Sorry to be blunt, but I have to say that you are acting badly too, by sitting still and not intervening on this you are given the message to your partner that being nasty to your child is permitted, and letting your child know he cannot trust you to stand up for him.

[StonedGalah]

I wouldn't be happy but l dont think l would have moved into his house tbh. You know he's strict and your son is 'lively', did you chat about this beforehand?

[TheMotherOfAllDilemmas]

i think you need to move out, sorry. And do so before being a second class citizen in that house affects your confidence, and your son stops trusting you enough to tell you if your partner is being unkind to him.

[WestEast]

My step dad used similar punishments when I was a child. I didn't wash up my breakfast bowl one Saturday morning when my mum was out at work, I was 12 and left it in the sink.
I was put outside in my pyjamas without shoes and locked out for a good few hours.
Trust me, that type of cruelty stays with you.
Leave.

[intenserecovery]

Plans are already in place to move back out this weekend (DP doens't know) but I just wanted to know what other people thought of this as he calls me over-protective, mummy's boo boo baba etc etc.

Thinking about it earlier in the evening DP said to him (in a jokey way) 'this is MY house' and I said 'no, its not it OUR home now' and he said no, its not its mine.

Anyway, new place already sorted and am off there now getting stuff sorted :)

DS did love it here and didn't want to move (there were problems early on with DP being horrible to me) but this morning after he went to work, DS and I had a chat and we agreed now we both want to move.

[SpringTown46]

Well done, good luck with the move.

[Penfold007]

I would make arrangements to move out as quickly as possible.

[AlternativeTentacles]

Aah - good. See - his 'house', your 'home'. He wouldn't know a 'home' if it came and sat on him.

[WestEast]

Good luck with the move

[TheVermiciousKnid]

I'm so glad to see you are going to move out! He sounds horrible and it would only get worse. Well done on getting out of there! :)

[CookieLady]

Good on you for putting your son first. Hope the move goes smoothly.

[AlternativeTentacles]

Are you going to do it whilst he is at work? I do hope so and if you could do a 'I'll make your favourite meal tomorrow, how do you fancy that' and he comes home expecting his fave meal to fine silence and dustbunnies - that would be grand.

[BeaufortBelle]

A couple of things strike me - that your dp thinks you are "saving" your ds. Saving him from what exactly?

Also, how many times was your ds told to stop the pranking? Were there any raised voices? Could he have run round to the front and knocked on the door? How long was your dp planning to lock him out for?

If my dh had ever locked the back door when ours were playing up I think they'd have found it quite funny (on a dry, warm evening) so it is concerning that your son became so distressed and that makes me wonder what else is going on because happy children don't react like that.

Did you discuss behaviour and boundaries before you moved in OP? Are you an equal partner? Have you retained your own home to move back into?

If you can sit down and discuss calmly and set agreed ground rules and if your son trusts your partner implicitly then I think you can work this out. If you can't do that and if either you or your son have trust issues over how your dp implements discipline then, yes, as others have said I think you need to review the living arrangements and possibly the relationship.

[HellonHeels]

Your P sounds like an utter arsehole and a bully. I'm so pleased to hear you're moving out. This could have escalated to something even worse over time.

[HootyMcTooty]

I'm glad you're moving out, your partner is a bully and sees you as a lodger. Good luck. Well done for putting DS first.

[Finola1step]

Good decision.