Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Taken for a fool?(79 Posts)
Right I'll try and jeep thus brief. Meet a man ten months ago, after m husband left the family two and a half years prior. Everything has been good between us. He lives the kids and they live html been introduced to some if his friends but no family as they live at the top end of the country.
My parents don't like him and visa versa but I've been coping.....trying to jeep them apart really. He dies suffer from bouts of depression which seem to gave lessened over the time we gave been together....yippee! However, my parents have been putting pressure on our relationship right from the start.
It transpires that last week my father spoke to my partner about some issues they have him. These are namely I gave never been to his home during the ten months were have been together...something always happens to prevent thus from occurring, he is always short of money...saying his sister deals with his finances since a period of depression two years ago caused some financial problems, his duster gas refused to meet me because apparently she finds our relationship a problem. I know lots of you are looking to the sky and shouting fool but most.of this hasn't been a problem to me. We have been to lots of events together with his employees, I'm introduced as his parter, he does pay for things (occasionally).
The thing apparently last week during the conservation that occurred whilst I was at work, my parents informed my partner that they have already discussed these issues with me, together with the fact that they had been to his address to find our about him and apparently he doesn't live there. I only found out about thus two days after the event and whilst my partner confirmed to my parents he would talk to be about their issues on the day of their conversation, he hasn't spoken about it.
He went home and spoke to me uni rally everyday, he went last mi day and spine on the following three days, but I've heard nothing since. I received an text saying how much he loved the children and I but nothing since.
I'm not stupid....i do know he isn't married, especially as he spends three days out of seven with me. But I'm concerned. If he has been lying throughout our relationship then I want to know the truth and why he felt he had to lie.
Sorry for any errors, I type way too quickly!
You need to ask him not us.
It sounds like he could well be married, what's he doing on the other 4 days? If the sister does genuinely have anything to do with his finances, rather than another partner, perhaps he was made bankrupt at some point...
I'm sorry but I really do think that there are FAR too many red flags here. He's been lying, been caught out and legged it. I'd bet my ass he's married. PLENTY of married people work away - and a man with employees so therefore running a successful business has to have his finances managed by his sister who you haven't met - and is always short of money? To me that screams WIFE has access to his accounts and he doesn't want any unexplained deductions. You're parents had his number all along. Sorry op.
I appreciate you type too quickly but that's a difficult read. He's married and playing you.
I knew he wasn't living where he said as that house had been sold in December last year and I'd already spent some time tracing where he had lived and when using the electoral register. I'm aware that there are some ccjs on him from his last address. The reason I've not chased him up is that I've always made it clear about my issue with lying...an ex husband didn't help with that, and have tried to give him as many opportunities to explain himself as possible.
As far as being married...he spends his weekends here, arriving on Friday night and returning to his 'home' on Monday evening or Tuesday morning. During holidays he has spent the entire week or two here. He works in higher education. If he was married I would have thought he might have been missed by now!
Whatever the situation is, he has told you very fundamental lies.
Do not give him the benefit of the doubt if he tries to wheedle his way out of lying about where he is living. Do not trust him.
It is very odd for both your family to dislike him and his sister to dislike you but it sounds like this is a non-starter and any misgivings they have are well-founded.
10 months and you haven't been round to his? Something really not right there.
I understand what everyone is saying.....I've invested at of time, energy and a lot of love into this relationship. He has met my friends, colleagues and more importantly become a father figure to my DC, who both love him.
If it is the case that he is married etc etc, then I would like him to explain himself to me. My ex husband was a liar and a cheat.....I thought I knew the signs! Maybe I have just been ignoring what others saw as obvious but bearing in mind that he is quite a well known figure in the small city he lives in, having met some of the local bigwigs he mixes with surely someone would gave said something? I mean I've been photographed in local papers with him!
Eh? You obviously already had some suspicions about him as you spent time 'tracing' him through the electoral register, you worked out that he was lying to you about where he was living officially, but you chose not to raise the subject with him because your ex lied to you?
I don't understand that logic at all.
Whatever is going on with him, it's obvious that your parents see him as a massive cocklodger and a liability and are concerned that you being totally hoodwinked by him. It is very odd that they should choose to get involved to the extent that they go driving round to check out his address and then confront him directly, bypassing you. They obviously have very serious concerns that this man is brainwashing you and possibly financially conning you.
Why have you never insisted on going to his house, if only so that he can prove to you that he has nothing to hide? Why have you never insisted on knowing more about this sister who controls his finances? You seem remarkably passive about the whole thing - doesn't it all strike you as terribly odd? It sounds like you are under some sort of spell and that this man lies and manipulates constantly and everyone can see it but you.
He should not be a father figure to your children when you've only known him for ten months! And in that time he has lied about where he lives, is not considered capable of managing his own money, or is lying about that too, he is in serious debt and suffers regular bouts of depression. Where is your judgement?!
Date him by all means if you must but allowing him to assume a father figure role for your children at this early stage, given all of the above is a serious error of judgement on your part.
And now he's been rumbled and confronted he's gone to ground…..doesn't look good does it?
I accept everything that's being said. He was the first person after my ex that I'd let my guard down to...the others had accused me of being too hard!
Basically I've allowed him to dismiss any of my suspicions by him saying he wasn't like my ex husband. He has been with me during some difficult situations - daughter being seriously ill, issues around my son and his AS status, work problems for myself. He has always been more than willing to cancel meetings, stay additional days, sit in hospitals for hours on end etc so I naturally thought I'd found a 'keeper'.
Father figure - he listens to the children, talks to them, plays with them, spends time with them but never sanctions or tells them off. And believe me there have been times when my DD has thrown things at me and he has talked her down. Their own father isn't around for them.
Why is he so involved in your life when you don't even know where he lives?
Do you really believe his sister looks after his money for him when he is a bigwig in higher ed?
Have you actually sat down with your parents and discussed their concerns and taken them on board or do they tell you until they are blue in the face and you refuse to engage in a discussion about it, other than to tell them they just don't know him like you do?
However lovely he might be, the fact that your parents are getting involved to this extend is a massive red flag for me. It doesn't sound normal, which suggests that there is something seriously worrying about him that you are completely blind to. What exactly are their issues with him?
You don't know where he lives and he is a father figure to your children?
He went home and spoke to me uni rally everyday, he went last mi day and spine on the following three days, but I've heard nothing since.
Could you translate this, OP? I got the other bits but no luck with this or.
Am trying to figure out how long it's been since you've seen him.
His wife could have dementia and live in a home- you have NO IDEA what his backstory could be- and even if you are photographed together, unless it's a picture of you actually partaking in fornication with your name and his name as the headline, really they're just photos in the paper. Anything could be explained away. Or she could not know about the paper. You really have no idea.
I would demand answers, or write it off. You need to decide how badly you want to know the full story.
Parent issue - they don't like anyone I have ever been seeing! From the ex husband who apparently they never liked but would ask him to run them around, do jobs for them and go on holiday with to a man I'd met and spent time with who they wished dead despite them never having met him. As far as my parents are concerned they have said they don't care who I spend time with it's my DC they are only interested in.
There is an enormous back history regarding my parents which I won't go into now just to say no one is good enough for my DC including me....apparently even their own son who is the golden child isn't good enough for them to spend a day on their own with.
I want to know the answers and it's my intention to do that today.
Sorry the predicted text goes unto over drive at times!
Assuming you have a good relationship with your parents, the fact that they have felt the need to become so involved is a continental sized red flag. They are trying to protect you and your children. Listen to them.
Oh ok massive x post BUT there is still way way too much here to ignore. As you say, get the answers you need today or LTB
Well if they feel that ten months with a cagey, depressive liar is a bit too soon to be providing a father figure to their precious GCs then I'd have to say I agree with them. Do you have a history of totally disastrous men that your parents need to mop up the damage from?
Is it possible that he is keeping two women strung along at once? Half the week with you and half with someone else? I find it really odd that you have been so trusting and so passive and haven't checked any of this out yourself, given how often it's been flagged up. Knowing he's being lying to you about where he lives and just accepting it and waiting for him to tell you in his own time sort of suggests that you have boundary issues or very low self esteem and are easily taken advantage of.
If you were just in a casual FWBs thing and you didn't really care about knowing the ins and outs then that's one thing - but he has already been installed as fixture in your children's lives.
Join the discussion
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.