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Just really shouted at DP and could do with some perspective

(20 Posts)
Cupofteaandavapourcig1 Sun 07-Jun-15 17:08:59

DP has just bare faced lied to me with out a blink of an eye. It was something trivial. But I found out a couple of mins later it wasn't true.

I hate lying and in the past he has form for it. I told him if I ever caught him out in a lie again I'd leave.

A few years a go we went through a rough patch and I asked him to leave so we could have breathing space. The next day a woman I knew to be an ex of a friend suddenly appeared on his news feed on facebook she replied to somthing he had posted. But it was kind of like they had discussed it previously . I didn't even know they were friends.

The next day when he called in I called his bluff and said 'well that didn't take long did it? Your a fast mover' he played the 'what are you talking about card so I asked to see his phone and he wouldn't show me. The was two days after he left.

We sorted it out a week later after him assuring me it was just work talk,(they don't work together but she was looking for work) she'd had a bad time with her ex ... Plus the original reason we wasn't getting on

I asked to see the messages if it was so harmless (which I had resisted doing ) and he had deleted all the messages. So I kicked him out then. He came back a few hours later begging and panicking saying he thought I would kick off that ehy he deleted them and it was stupid.

Dd was very small then so I let it go. He has never give me any other reason to believe he could/was being unfaithful

I had very little trust in him though through the previous 'white lies' and now after today I have non.

I told him I don't want to be with a liar and was fuming because of the past issues. I threw tonight dinner in the bin as I'm not cooking for him and his DF. (Over reaction I know)

He has just come up stairs and aplogised for making me feel like this and for lying. I told him he is just sorry he got caught.

Am I over reacting? The lie was a 'white' lie but it shows he can lie to beautifully to my face. I don't even know him

AlternativeTentacles Sun 07-Jun-15 17:12:28

What did he lie about today?

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Sun 07-Jun-15 17:16:37

Yes you do: he's an habitual liar who lies not for gain, or to avoid trouble, but because every successful lie means HE'S won and YOU'VE lost. He wants not only to win, but to diminish you in his own eyes, so he can excuse (to himself) greater offences later. He may have already started.

Don't back down, bin.

Cupofteaandavapourcig1 Sun 07-Jun-15 17:17:06

It's pathetic - he had been out all day and when he came in I asked if he had eaten. He looked me in the face and said 'no'. I went out to the car to put somthing in and there was a empty KFC bag in the back. I'm genuinly not arsed that he had eaten it just the fact he lied. Especially over somthing so trivial

AnyFucker Sun 07-Jun-15 17:19:04

So, the ultimatum was that if you caught him lying again your relationship was over

And you have caught him lying

What was your question again ?

AlternativeTentacles Sun 07-Jun-15 17:19:33

Well, he won't want that dinner anyway then will he?

Cupofteaandavapourcig1 Sun 07-Jun-15 17:24:11

He has taken dd out. I have lost any respect for him what so ever. His dad did this to his mum. Infact! He calls his dad a fucking compulsive liar!

We live in his house and go away in two weeks PLUS about to start a another round of IVF. Every thing is fucked up now

twistletonsmythe Sun 07-Jun-15 17:28:18

so - you are going to finish it now?

And that OW he was talking to before - it wasn't innocent was it? You just believed his lies because you wanted to.

pregnantpause Sun 07-Jun-15 17:31:11

He lied. Thoughtlessly and habitually. Lying to you is natural to him. I couldn't live with a man who had corroded my respect for him and my trust in him with needless throw away lies. WHY? Why lie? Unless he either
- doesn't care about your ultimatum
- doesn't believe you will ever leave him
- he can't help it as he too ( like his dad) is a compulsive liar.

Any of the options as to his reasons are , IMO, pretty unpalatable, and IMO justify leaving.

Cupofteaandavapourcig1 Sun 07-Jun-15 17:35:30

pregnant I think it's all of the above.

This is the beginning of the end sad

goddessofsmallthings Sun 07-Jun-15 18:47:08

Are you usually a 'shouty' person?

Is it likely he lied about eating when he was out because he feared you'd go into one?

Does his df have to go without dinner too? What about you? Won't you be eating tonight?

As you've said, it's a gross over-reaction on your part but living with someone you don't trust is likely to stretch nerves to breaking point waiting for the next deceitful act.

Given that you've had no trust ih him for 'several years', why were you planning to have another dc with him?

You're now saying this is the "beginning" of the end but, having set out your stall and given hm an ultimatum years ago, surely this is THE END?

pregnantpause Mon 08-Jun-15 13:29:44

I'm sorry you're having to go through this cant. I think the above poster is a bit harsh- it's one thing to say you'll leave but another to actually leave. I imagine even more so when seen in individual instances it's over something so seemingly trivial as a KFC. But it's a straw. The big picture is reflective of a lack of trust or respect - on both sidessad

It's not easy to completely change your life, or even to change your perspective of the man you thought you'd spend that life with.

I wish you thebestthanks

googoodolly Mon 08-Jun-15 13:39:49

I think if you don't trust him, the relationship is dead in the water anyway, regardless of whether you're overreacting over him eating KFC and lying about it.

Why are you having IVF with a man you have no respect for and who you can't trust?

thelonggame Mon 08-Jun-15 14:08:15

flowers sorry you find yourself in this position - I really feel for you.
From everything I have read about IVF it is an extremely stressfull thing to go through. Is this hightening your reactions?
No way am I sticking up for DH, there is no excuse for lying - but have you asked him why he lied? Is it something as silly as he thought you'd be unhappy if he eats fast food?
Taken in isolation him lying about a KFC isn't really grounds for LTB, but looking at the bigger picture the trust has gone hasn't it? Can't you try to put it the back of your mind for the sake of your child until after the holiday - and then make the decision?
Maybe get down to citizens advice or a local family law solicitor to get a better picture of what your options will be if you decide seperation is right for you.

Drew64 Mon 08-Jun-15 14:30:33

On the face of it you are now going to ltb because he had kfc and lied about it. I'd love to see that one in court.

But, I know im being flippant.

Truth be known, you could probably deal with the little lies if you hadn't had such a bad experience in the past. There is probably more to this too that you are not saying.

What you really need to do is to somehow address the past issues, the past lies that you have not forgiven him for.
These are big damaging lies that take time to get over and to learn to trust again. This is more than possible, my DW and I have been there with my big lies and we worked at it over years.

You said you are in the middle of IVF too, sorry to say but, not a good time to have to go through this with your DH. The one time when you really need him to step up to the mark.

You sound as if you really need to think this through, your going for IVF but have trust issues so much so that it's leading recent events but think it through with your husband too.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 08-Jun-15 15:13:52

The OP has said she's "about to start a another round of IVF", *Drew" and I strongly suggests she postpones it as it would be thoroughly irresponsible, not to say unforgivable, to have another child with a man she doesn't trust and has no respect for.

The OP gave him an ultimatum, namely that if she caught him out in a lie again she'd leave. Having caught him out yesterday, if she doesn't leave he'll know that her ultimatums are merely lies such as he tells.

ohhello Mon 08-Jun-15 15:24:29

Lying over whether you've been secretly scoffing kfc....I'm pretty sure I've done this, as have half the country. If you have s bigger problem them address it but please don't think lying over eating kfc makes you a compulsive liar or untrustworthy in general. Either there is a huge backstory or you are massively over reacting here.

Thenapoleonofcrime Mon 08-Jun-15 15:31:42

I might lie about scoffing chocolate on occasion, or an unhealthy meal, I don't usually but sometimes if I've been really piggy I certainly hide my tracks. If this was a pattern of habitual lying, fair enough, and obviously you were cross, but your reaction is totally out of order to me, if my husband put my dinner in the bin, even if I had told a small white lie about having a KFC earlier or perhaps not even lying, perhaps this was a lot earlier and so he was hungry again, that would be the type of thing that I couldn't bear.

Sorry, I don't see what he's done wrong, as I say, except if it's part of something ongoing. He may not even have thought the KFC 'counted' in the 'have you eaten already?' question (thinking- have you eaten at home, not have you eaten in the last 5 hours).

I can't imagine living with someone who would fly off the handle like this, especially over something that could have been a simple misinterpretation/small lie over junk food!

yourcoatisred Mon 08-Jun-15 15:41:00

OP, are you angry about this lie simply because it's a lie... and you live day to day waiting for the next lie? And, has he lied about bigger, important things in the past?

If so, I know exactly where you are coming from.

Drew64 Mon 08-Jun-15 15:57:22

I totally agree with goddessofsmallthings with regard to IVF. You need to think very seriously about your relationship. Like I said, if it wasn't for the big things you could probably handle the small things.
You need to find someway of...not putting the big things to bed but...being able to deal with the big things.

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