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can't tell if I am right or not! inlaw related

(15 Posts)
Dontunderstand01 Sun 07-Jun-15 16:26:07

My mil lives a 45 mins drive away, but works in the town i live in. She has been taking a new route to work due to roadworks, and has told us that she literally drives past our door on the way too and from work. I work 3 days per week, my ds goes to nursery.

Mil only sees ds if I bring him to her. I take him to her work once a week on one of my non working days and meet her for lunch. It takes me 30 mins each way to get into the town centre where she works.

She lives with her new husband, her DD and her two kids. We are currently nc with our sil (her daughter) at her behest. She decided we 'never did anything for her' and cut us off. Therefore I don't feel happy taking ds to visit her in her home. They also have a dog which has attacked other animals before which concerns me a great deal.

So, I have suggested to dmil that I see her fornightly for lunch, because one of my non working days kinda works around taking ds to see her (he is v little, so its a case of morning nap, drive and see her, have lunch, drive back and then its nap time again!) But said if she would like to see ds she is always very welcome to pop by for a coffee before/after work.

I have a feeling she will go apeshit, but my thinking is this:- if she literally drives past our house surely thats more convenient than putting a baby in a car for an hour, just to spend pne hour together? I also have to pay for extra petrol/parking. If she comes here she can also see DH, her son!

Although I have given reasons above as to why we havent been to hers much, I now note that we are never invited there anyway. Hmmm. I think I am being reasonable but I suspect she will disagree. Am I doing the right thing? At the mo it kisy feels very onesided and I want to spend more time taking ds on playdates/doing activities rsther than just sitting in a cafe.

Walkacrossthesand Sun 07-Jun-15 16:35:19

if the route to work MIL is taking at the momens isn't too out of her way, wouldn't it make sense for 'drop in on her way home' to be a regular weekly/fortnightly thing even after the roadworks have stopped ? If all you're doing is meeting in a cafe, and all the effort/driving falls on you, then SIBU if she doesn't see that there is a better way. Good luck!

Hobby2014 Sun 07-Jun-15 16:35:30

Yanbu imo.
But my pil live 5 minutes away and drive and won't come before or after work or visit us at weekends (they work mon-fri) We have to go to theirs at weekends. They don't like us visiting evenings in the week as they've had a hard day. But then complain when we don't take him round there if we make plans etc but don't ever call to ask us round, just moan we don't. But enough about me wink I'm voting yanbu

Tequilashotfor1 Sun 07-Jun-15 16:39:18


I would 'sell' it as 'when you drop round we can have a piece of cake and a catch up ?

Vivacia Sun 07-Jun-15 17:11:16

Where's your partner in all of this confused?

Dontunderstand01 Sun 07-Jun-15 18:09:06

He works full time school hours so isnt around when we meet up as it during the week. My mil sees weekends as her time, and often says how she needs the time off, but of course she sees her daughter and dgc that live with her, so we very rarely see her on weekends (ladt time was feb).
They don't have a great relationship. He thinks I make all the running and has said that he doesn't think I should put myself out. (The poor relationship goes waaaaay to before I was on the scene!)

Vivacia Sun 07-Jun-15 18:25:12

I'm a bit unsure as to the exact problem. If you feel you're making all of the effort, just limit it to the amount that you don't resent.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 07-Jun-15 19:11:42

"They don't have a great relationship. He thinks I make all the running and has said that he doesn't think I should put myself out. (The poor relationship goes waaaaay to before I was on the scene!)".

That is very suggestive.

Am not surprised to read that at all, his mother does not sound very pleasant at all and also actively favours other family members. You have made all the running here and its not done you any favours; you're taking your child to have an audience with his nan only when it suits here (which is not often). Honestly I would not bother and you need to stop doing that. You would not put up with this from a friend for instance, family are no different. Also you cannot make a relationship that is not there to begin with; his mother does not want to know and or make any effort.

You likely come from a family i.e. an emotionally healthy one who do not pull this sort of crap so it is doubly difficult to deal with as well. Its probably totally incomprehensible to you as to why ILs can and do act like this and I do not mean any disrespect at all.

I would not put yourself out for his mother because your efforts as well as coming to nought will not be appreciated. You would be far better off spending time taking DS on playdates and the like. Spend time with people who enhance your life, not suck the joy out of it.

Dontunderstand01 Mon 08-Jun-15 07:00:38

Sorry if I wasn't clear vivacia, I am frustrsted that my mil makes very little effort to see for dgson, but prioritises her dgdaughters. She wants me to use one of my days off during the week to meet her for lunch in a cafe, but won't spare the time to visit us at home even though it would ve vrry convenient for her to do so, and I think my son would be a bit happier as he wouldn't be stuck in a high chair.

I wondered if othrr mnettrrs thought I was right in asking to see her less, or if I was being unreasonable.

Attila, my parents are not that great either tbh, I really feel for ds as it seems his family arebt that bothered! But, they woukd never treat their dgc so differently. You are absolutely right about spendibg time with people who enhance your life, I agree with this and have been trying hard to find a way to make sure ds only has good influences arpund him.

I have sent her a message, but no reply. I suspect she will be very cross.

but, instead of going to visit her today we will be visiting the library and the park.

YonicScrewdriver Mon 08-Jun-15 07:06:23


fanjoforthemammaries7850 Mon 08-Jun-15 07:06:33

YaNBU. If she "goes apeshit" it's because she is wrong, and a princess, like your SIL. Stand your ground.

Kerberos Mon 08-Jun-15 07:37:35

I'd probably have bottled it and rather than having a big conversation about it - just cancelled every other week with a reason, along with a suggestion of another time she could make the effort.

Although I do wonder, if your DH isn't bothered, and MIL isn't bothered, and DC is still small (?) - who is benefitting from this cafe based access?

ltk Mon 08-Jun-15 07:49:18

Why the hell are you running around taking your baby to see your husband's mother? A mother he doesn't really get on with and who has has little time for you or your ds? You need to have a good deep think about the whole set up. If dh wants his son to have a relationship with his mother, then he can do the bulk of the work on it. You support. If neither he or his mum really care enough to spend some weekend time together, I wonder why you care.

Dontunderstand01 Mon 08-Jun-15 08:45:24

All reallygood points... I guess I wanted ds to have some fanily members around him other than me and dh. My sisters kids are looked after by my mum and their other grandma while my sis works, they live far away so see each other all the time and me very rarely. Dmil currently has dsil living with her and their two kids. They all get spoiled rotten -she just took them to lanzarote for 10 days! So I guess I was trying to make her pay attention to ds.

Pathetic when I writeit down like that. Dmil will insist she loves ds and wants to see him despite doing nothing. Last time she saw him of her own doing was 1st march.

Vivacia Mon 08-Jun-15 16:30:03

Well it is what it is. Let her know that your door is always open and you'd love to see her on Thursday next week (or some such). But stop making an effort you clearly resent.

I'm not sure why you aren't taking your lead from your partner, surely he knows best where his family is concerned?

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