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Can't keep living this nightmare

(10 Posts)
AtTheEdge8 Sun 07-Jun-15 13:14:41

I'm in a situation entirely of my own making. I can't carry on any more, but I can't see a way out.

3 years ago, I had an affair. It was a textbook old flame getting in touch via Facebook - I was stupid enough to let it get out of hand. I realise now that I was bored in my marriage, however it was nothing that wasn't fixable. My husband is decent, lovely caring man who would have done anything for me. I will never forgive myself for what I did to him, but that's my pain to bear.

The affair escalated to the point where I felt my only option was to leave my husband, mainly due to emotional blackmail from the OM. Again, in hindsight, I realise this was entirely the wrong decision, but at the time I was unable to think straight.

Me and the OM got together, 2 years later we're still together. Except it's all a lie. I don't like him, certainly don't love him. I don't enjoy his company, can't bear him near me. We don't do anything together, we certainly don't make plans. He sees his children every other Sunday afternoon, when he takes them to his parents'. I've met them once - although I'm perfectly happy with this, it's certainly not the basis of a proper relationship.

He doesn't treat me well. All the promises he made to tempt me away have come to nothing. He contributes very little financially or practically around the house. I've turned into a person I don't recognise. I hate leaving the house, and I'm currently signed off work with stress/depression.

But I'm so, so scared of being alone. This is the only reason he's still here. He knows this, but doesn't care, and uses it to his advantage. Sometimes I resign myself to this being my life from now on - but sometimes - like today - it all gets too much to bear. It's just so overwhelming.

Humansatnav Sun 07-Jun-15 13:16:34

Leave or this will destroy you.

pocketsaviour Sun 07-Jun-15 13:30:30

I'm so, so scared of being alone.

Can you say what is so scary about it for you? Surely it would be better to be on your own rather than to be trapped in this loveless relationship that's probably a significant cause of your depression?

What do you get from this man now that you couldn't provide for yourself or get through friends or family (or tradespeople, if it's practical stuff)?

AtTheEdge8 Sun 07-Jun-15 13:37:17

I think it's literally someone being here. He's not reliable, but he's...here. It's just such a mess.

pocketsaviour Sun 07-Jun-15 13:41:07

Have you ever lived on your own?

Can you verbalise what you think would be negative about someone NOT being with you?

AtTheEdge8 Sun 07-Jun-15 13:49:05

I was on my own when DD was born for several years. I was so independent. We did everything together, I took her on holidays abroad alone when she was a toddler. Now she's 17, I'm in a much better place financially, but the thought of it seems terrifying.

I suppose deep down it's the thought of DD leaving home, and me having nobody. I've managed to isolate myself from my friends and family, and don't feel like I can crawl back asking for help. I'm completely on my own.

MrsGills Sun 07-Jun-15 13:59:04

Leave and be on your own. You've gone from a marriage with problems straight into the arms of another man, and when relationships start as an affair, it usually leads to resentment later.
I did the same... Thought that leaving my marriage would be the best option and I did it because I didn't love my husband. But I did think the other man would be the one. He wasn't.

A truly lovely man wouldn't start an affair with a married woman. That's the lesson I learned.

Be strong. Be on your own. Your time will come to be happy again. With or without a man x

tribpot Sun 07-Jun-15 14:19:47

I honestly can't imagine how living alone would be worse than this. It strikes me the OM is exploiting your intense guilt about having destroyed a perfectly good marriage and is basically the worst kind of cocklodger. Is that what you think you deserve?

I think you're in a very dangerous place. If you carry on down this path of self-destruction you will end up unable to leave the house, and then increasingly dependent on someone who will exploit that ruthlessly. Either that or, once you're not able to provide for him financially, he will sod of and you'll be alone anyway. But instead of being alone as you are now, with a job, with the chance to recover, you'll be wrecked.

How is your mental health being managed? Is your GP aware of your fear of leaving the house? What if you moved into a house share, so you don't need to live alone?

It's time to reach out to family and friends. They may not want to forgive you but I don't think they would want to see you in such a desperate state.

AtTheEdge8 Sun 07-Jun-15 15:53:00

I think the biggest problem is I no longer trust myself to make decisions. What if being alone makes me even unhappier? I feel like I've reached rock bottom, but what if there's another level of misery I've just not discovered?

goddessofsmallthings Sun 07-Jun-15 19:05:01

There's no end to the levels of misery the human mind can invent for itself but none of us are obliged to torture ourselves with negative thinking.

If it comes to a choice of being miserable in a relationship with a man who you 'can't bear' to have near you or miserable alone with opportunity to fill your life with people who will enrich it, you're best advised to be alone and get a paying lodger to fill any gap in the empty nest.

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