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Am I completely over the top, irrational, demanding and needy?

(36 Posts)
excitedbutscared Sat 06-Jun-15 23:58:27

Ok, So I've posted on here a few times before so sorry if you're tired of reading my posts but just find it so helpful to air things and hear what people have to say

I feel like a kid being needy and clingy and moaning about things that may or may not bother other people. The problem is the little things really do hurt and upset me and I don't know how to deal with it. I don't think it's this man in particular. Although I am actually quite confident and outgoing, as soon as I get close to someone, I get very paranoid, insecure in the relationship and needy - and I'm ruining things for myself

I was in tears a moment ago - because my DP is playing on the playstation and not picking up my call or replying to my text

We don't live together and we're going away together on Monday for 10 days so I have spent tonight at home to get things sorted before we go away. We have discovered a great game on the playstation that I said instead of seeing each other tonight, we could play online together at about 10.30pm when I've finished what I need to do. He said yes

So, 10.30pm, I can see from him online status on playstation that he's playing the game, so I text him and ask if he still wants to play together. No reply. Half an hour later I called him. Didn't answer, or call back. He's still playing it now

I know the whole thing sounds ridiculous and childish, but I'm so upset!! Not that he's playing it, but that we were supposed to play it together and he's completely ignoring me!

I always feel like I'm the one initiating conversation when we're not together. He just seems to be perfectly happy just being completely separate from me during the week and then together with me at the weekends, whereas I want to feel part of his life all the time. Not that I don't do things without him because I do..

How can I get his attention about this and not seem like I'm nagging or being clingy? I feel like as soon as I say something that's exactly what i would be doing and having been on the other end of this before, I know that it would put me off even more!

More imminently, should I send him a text message now and just say 'I take that as a no then! Goodnight' - or just ignore him back.

I need to find a way to deal with the whole thing in general, but am so upset and hurt that he's just ignoring me tonight sad

BackInTheRealWorld Sun 07-Jun-15 00:03:20

maybe he doesn't have his phone with him. You have given him 'permission' to play a game while you aren't with him and at a certain time and you can see that he is doing that.
Ltb.

excitedbutscared Sun 07-Jun-15 00:05:49

He always has his phone with him, always.

I don't ever give him permission to do anything - he's very much his own man and I have never minded as he lives on his own and is never doing anything I would doubt his fidelity. What's upsetting is that we planned to do it together and he has ignored me all night. He never would normally go a night without a text or a call.

Sorry, what is ltb?

Gorgonzolacherry Sun 07-Jun-15 00:10:53

Ltb means leave the bastard.

I think yes, you should chill out! Don't you have something else to do...read a book, practice the piano? I'm not being facetious...I really mean it. Find your own thing to do....It's good to do your own thing and not get too put out when arrangements fall through. I mean, if he did this ALL the time, then I would say ltb. But if this is the only thing that bothers you and he just doesn't reply to texts instantly or forgets about fairly loose plans (ahem, that's men), then i would try to do some work on yourself so that you don't respond in this way. Hope that helps!

Gorgonzolacherry Sun 07-Jun-15 00:11:46

If he never normall goes a whole night without a text or a call he sounds pretty attentive. Cut him some slack.

Gorgonzolacherry Sun 07-Jun-15 00:12:42

How long have you been going out for?

excitedbutscared Sun 07-Jun-15 00:18:06

Thanks, it does

I know you're right and have been trying to do work on myself. He just seems to consume my thoughts so much and I take things so personally! I KNOW I need to sort it out if I want to be happy. I have lots that I can do to take my mind of it, but changing the way I think is a much larger task! Sometimes I get so down I wonder if I should go to the GP - I am just so worried it will affect my relationship, he doesn't realise I feel this way and I want to keep this one!

The way I think in my head is 'I wouldn't have forgotton, or neglected to call or text. He can see that I have texted and tried to call so why hasn't he responded (at all) - I would. That must mean he doesn't feel the same way about me as I do about him'.. which is bad bad news! Either because it's true or because that's how I am positioning things in my head because I'm being obsessive!

I really don't know what to do. Sometimes I wonder if it is just me, or if I am actually right and he shouldn't be behaving in this way and I'm actually normal!

gamerchick Sun 07-Jun-15 00:18:14

Why didn't you just join the game?

excitedbutscared Sun 07-Jun-15 00:18:46

As a serious item, a year and a bit Gorgonzolacherry

excitedbutscared Sun 07-Jun-15 00:19:36

Because you have to set up a special online session where other online players can join gamerchick - he was playing it locally but logged in online

Gorgonzolacherry Sun 07-Jun-15 00:27:31

It's a difficult one.ll you could be right and he isn't treating you properly. Normally, when people post things complaining or wondering about some aspect of their oartners behaviour the reason they have a problem with that particular thing is because there are also other things wrong with the Relationship. Very rarely do these problems appear in isolation. That is to say that the op tends to get aggrieved at something in particular because there are other imbalances in the relationship.

Is there anything else you are concerned about?

You say you've been in a relationship for a year but only see each other at the weekend. Personally, I would find this frustrating and I agree that you aren't really part of each other's lives if your relationship is so compartmentalised in this way. And therefore maybe his failure to respond to your text and honour the arrangement you had to play the game is just another symptom of this bigger problem.

I'd be having a calm chat with him tbh. I think the relationship needs to move forward a bit and develop.

Gorgonzolacherry Sun 07-Jun-15 00:29:31

Also how old are you? Not that you are coming across as young it's just I would expect a relationship with people above their mid twenties to involve weekday time together. Also, if you are in your 30s I wouldn't be wanting your time on a man child who only wants to see you at the weekend and ignores you when playing a video game. Lame.

excitedbutscared Sun 07-Jun-15 00:35:05

Gosh, you're very perceptive Gorgonzolacherry

It is part of a bigger problem. Which is me not knowing or feeling able to talk about 'the bigger picture' or where our relationship is going - if anywhere.

We only see each other weekends because we live about an hour away from each other, I have 2 x DC's (17 and 18) and both have very demanding jobs - so it just doesn't really seem easy to see each other more. I don't want this to be the case forever though and would love to have a talk about 'when we move in together'. He has never mentioned it though and I guess, I'm a bit afraid of having 'the talk' as i might not get the answer I want - then I'd have to deal with a whole new issue that rears it's head! I've just been trying to tell myself to live for the day and enjoy it for what it is, now

If he was more connected and communicative during the week, I think I would feel better, considered etc. But at the same time, he texts me almost every morning, once or twice during the day and a text or a call (usually a call but very late and feels like he is only doing it because he feels he has to) before bed. Maybe I'm just completely over reacting and that's ok!

Like I say, I'd like to have that calm talk with him but a) I don't know how!! and b) I'm afraid of what it might unearth that I'll then have to deal with. Gosh, I sound extremely pessimistic don't I

Thanks so much for your input - you sound great

excitedbutscared Sun 07-Jun-15 00:37:27

Erm - I'm 37 and he's 42!

The Playstation thing is quite new and think it's a bit of a novelty. He does have an extremely stressful, high pressure job which kind of excuses it for me because we all have different ways to 'escape'. At least he's not in strip clubs hey!

The seeing each other only at weekends, hope I've explained that in my previous comment.. On the rare occasion I ask him to meet me for a specific reason during the week, he always will if he can

excitedbutscared Sun 07-Jun-15 00:38:15

But I'm still f'ing cross and upset about being ignored tonight!! For any reason!!

BackInTheRealWorld Sun 07-Jun-15 00:43:18

Ooooh God I find this so very sad.
In general are you ok. I mean 'ok'?
This is so far removed from normal that I'm a bit bewildered.

excitedbutscared Sun 07-Jun-15 00:46:23

I don't know to be honest BackInTheRealWorld

I'm confused as to where these thoughts and feelings are derived from (me not being 'ok', or 'us')

Please expand? I'd like to hear your outside honest view if you can spare the time?

madmother1 Sun 07-Jun-15 00:47:37

Ooh for olden days of dating without mobiles!! I could go days without ringing my boyfriend. When did we get do needy confused

SelfLoathing Sun 07-Jun-15 00:48:57

If you are highly anxiously attached you may have borderline personality disorder -try googling it and looking for forums/message boards on the topic.

Typical symptoms are getting enraged/overly upset/irrationally anxious when someone doesn't reply to a text message or a facebook message or an email.

Or generally an over-reaction or irrational emotional reaction to what is perceived to be "being ignored".

Lots on this subject - eg:

www.psychforums.com/borderline-personality/topic112125.html

but plenty more if you google

excitedbutscared Sun 07-Jun-15 00:53:51

Thanks SelfLoathing

I can see why you would suggest that as it is a symptom, but not an isolated one. It's mixed in with everything else and I don't do it with friends/family (I don't think!)

Gorgonzolacherry Sun 07-Jun-15 00:55:39

Oops sorry... None of my comments were meant to be judgemental in anyway (about your age I mean or video games)!!

Right then, well it's a bit of a mixed bag isn't it. You can't really see each other during the week because of circumstance so it's not all down to a lack of commitment on his part. He also texts every morning and calls every evening which is communicative. He also makes efforts to see you during the week when you ask.

My gut feeling here is that in healthy relationships an understanding of your future together or the general trajectory of a relationship should come naturally. After a year, and at your advanced ages (by that I mean not 21! Not that you are old!) I would expect this conversation to have happened, in some very gentle form. It seems to me like he's the stumbling block here though as you clearly are receptive. But nothing ventured nothing gained, so after your holiday (which hopefully will be a blissfully relaxing time), could you raise the issue gently and see how he responds?

Once you've got an answer to that then if it's a "no"... You know your reactions to all the other Things were a symptom of your general malaise of a relationship not progressing. if it's a "yes" coupled with positive actions on his part, you know your reactions were perhaps a little more based in neurosis than reality.

Well....who knows how you should deal with things. But deal with it gently and safe in the knowledge that if it doesn't work out with him you will be released from these uncomfortable feelings you are having and free to meet somebody who will want something deeper.

X

excitedbutscared Sun 07-Jun-15 00:55:42

Ok - so all in all - everything things I'm a bit mental, overly dependent on him and should get a life and give him a break yes?

I can deal with that and would actually rather that than ltb!

I just don't know how to change how I think... I'm starting to get desperate

Gorgonzolacherry Sun 07-Jun-15 00:56:35

Cross posted with your latest. No that is definitely not what I think! I think you need to find out whether this relationship is going to progress however gently...see above.

BackInTheRealWorld Sun 07-Jun-15 00:58:28

It just sounds so unhealthy and needy and possessive. Oh I don't know, maybe I should re read it tomorrow. I have to go to bed now as I have work early. However, if being apart means playing on line games to a timetable for only one of you then I know which one of you I would rather be. Do you get what I mean? There is so much more to life than being so wrapped up in someone that even while they are away you both have to be online playing some game together or it sends one of you into a tail spin. insert psycho shower scene music here

excitedbutscared Sun 07-Jun-15 00:59:50

Thanks Gorgonzolacherry - perfect answer

Yes, I agree with what you say and think I really should bring it up - gently.

How I'll deal with it if it is a 'no' I don't know - but I must admit, being released from the angst would be a relief. I know I"m not old old, but don't want to waste more years if this is the level of relationship he cares for

I just hope so, I haven't met anyone like him or how he makes me feel (the good feelings). You can't control or make someone feel or act how you want them to though can you..

I'll keep my own fingers crossed for myself ;-)

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