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I'm numb, completely done in

(26 Posts)
pugglefan Sat 06-Jun-15 23:11:05

"D"H and I have been together 11 years, married 5.5, two children under 5. I felt rushed into marriage and children once I had that diamond on my finger. I didn't want to get married nor have children but I loved him and wanted to make him happy, so I compromised. I adore my children but I am so unhappy, and I now suck as a mum. I've no patience, and I'm constantly nagging them, poor things. I used to be a great mum, endless patience and never sweat the small stuff, but these last 2/3 years I've changed.
"D"H is obsessed with money, constantly telling me it'd be tight that month and to not spend what's not necessary. He was emotionally absent not long after DS (now 4) arrived, then DD (now 3) arrived and she has proved challenging, and he really took a back seat, only upping his game on the odd occasion when I pulled him up on it.
I've felt like I'm inadequate, that I don't do the best for the children in the decisions I make (I'm not a pushy parent). When I've been ill on odd occasions, I'm treated like an inconvenience (bleeding with placenta praevia with DD, being one example).
I'm exhausted with trying, done in with making excuses for my husband's attitude to most of our friends (he's incredibly judgemental, at times, obviously so) and family-he's not a fan of mine.
It's been almost 3 years and I want out. I'm just scared of my decision. He's upped his game in the last 3 months as he knows I'm close to walking out, taking the children with me, which has made me wobble. But I'm so unhappy. I'm not the mum I want to be as the misery is messing me up. My health is suffering as well. I look at him and the thought of still being here at Christmas makes me feel sick.
I suppose I'm asking if anyone is in a similar situation? Am I doing the right thing? It'll be hard on the kids, I'll hurt "D"H, I'm going to let his family down. Am I being selfish to put me first?

Gorgonzolacherry Sat 06-Jun-15 23:29:11

I have no children of my own nor am I married, so perhaps not the best experienced to comment. But I think there are s number of issues in your op which need to be disentangled. first, your feelings of inadequacy as a mother. Could you address this through counselling and if you were to feel happier about your capabilities in this respect, would this help your marriage. No doubt someone will be along to say LTB, but I just wonder whether it may be better to try staying in the relationship as it may be even harder to cope without the help of your husband.

Now onto your husband. Is he receptive to changing and helping more? You say he has upped his game in recent months. I took that to mean he has stepped up a bit more and been kinder. If this is the case, could you sit down with him and explain your problems and try to work to a solution with him where he identifies what he needs to do to help you and improve?

Perhaps joint counselling?

Next, I wonder whether you are depressed. Could you seek professional help if so? Counselling and possibly as a last stage, medication?

You are not being selfish to put yourself first.myou sound like you need it. I just wonder whether putting yourself first might mean at the first stage trying to get him to improve and also getting yourself some help in the form of counselling for depression and also your negative feelings about your parenting.

I'm sorry if I have got the wrong end of the stick and all you can conceive of is leaving and starting again. I'm sure someone else will be along to give a different perspective,

Best of luck.

Fallandfly Sat 06-Jun-15 23:30:31

Not selfish. Staying for them will not work. The being snappy, not the mum you want to be, have been there and it was so much easier when it ended. I had detachment, judgment etc. And it slowly erodes you. Maybe counselling is worth a shot but you know yourself. Sometimes you have to be brave flowers

mstumble Sat 06-Jun-15 23:55:09

I have just done it. My ex wants me back and I am questioning it happiness versus the kids. I came to the conclusion, if it's that bad, you are unhappy with your self, parenting, etc then you need to get out as they will benefit more long term. If there is any love there, try counselling, try and salvage something to build on to make a happier, positive relationship. But only you can decide that. I am having space and I am definitely beginning to see things more clearly.

pugglefan Sun 07-Jun-15 07:23:26

Thank you for the replies, really kind words.

Gorgonzolacherry, I feel inadequate due to judgements from him in the past; and recently it has been my irritability that's made me a rubbish mum. I am better on days that he is work though, I do notice a pattern there.
I am pretty certain that I don't have depression, just severe unhappiness.
He has mentioned that he wants to try counselling, I said I'd give it a go, but that's as far as its gone. To be honest, I'm past trying to fix it now, it's been too long, I've no fight left in me to make the effort, for it all to go back to how it was before. I don't trust that his changes are permanent, and that makes me sound awful, I know.

BeCool Sun 07-Jun-15 07:34:58

You are not being selfish. You are not just putting you first (though that it ok), you are looking out for your DC too. It cannot be a nice environment for them at home. They will benefit from you being happier.

Being mean to me while I was really sick was the last straw for me too. It's like his essential domestic appliance is faulty an inconveniencing him. Arse!

Have you thought about your next step? Asking him to leave or leaving yourself? Others here will advise you but gather financial evidence and other papers.

You will be in a much much better place/Space by Xmas.

pugglefan Sun 07-Jun-15 07:45:14

BeCool, thank you. I know it's for the best for all of us (I include him in that as he can't be happy either) it is just such a huge decision that affects so many, and I know I'm likely to get a hard time from his family, but that's not a reason to stay.
I've stuck it out this last year as I didn't have a penny to my name and had no where to go, long term. I'm no longer in debt now although still only have a couple hundred pounds so far.
I want out so much that I'm not even contemplating getting my "share" of the house. I've not put money in to it, aside from some that my mum gave me, which I will endeavour to get back if we sell, so I won't make demands on the rest. I know he'll contribute to the children as he isn't a mean person, and won't let them go without if he can help it.

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops Sun 07-Jun-15 07:56:06

No wonder you feel like a bad mum, he is making you feel that way. From your post, it sounds like you only have the separation path open to you. I know the feeling of panic if it's all the same at Christmas!
See a solicitor first so you know where you stand and then speak to him calmly in a pre arranged sit down and discuss meeting. It doesn't have to be terrible if you both behave like adults.
I suspect you will blossom as a mum once his nasty judgemental tongue is outof your daily routine!

Goodbetterbest Sun 07-Jun-15 08:05:44

I've just split from my husband.

Our children are happier for it. Our home is a calm, happy place without his negativity clouding it. When he visits the atmosphere noticeably changes, I become uptight and I realise this was how I was all the time. That wasn't fair on the children.

Please do not just walk away with nothing. You have to think about providing for the children and for your future. It is important that they feel secure.

You'll get a free half hour with a solicitor, make that your first stop before you do anything. You may have a claim on his pension as well as any equity in the house or other assets. It's about providing not being greedy.

Gather copies of all the paperwork you can, and create a spreadsheet of outgoings.

All this practical stuff will be helpful.

AlternativeTentacles Sun 07-Jun-15 08:16:28

From all my life observations, people who are unhappy in relationships who have kids, see their kids flourish when they manage to get away. You talk of letting his family down; well that's just tough. If they had brought up a man who wasn't judging you and who supported you - then perhaps you should worry about them but as it is - no!

You need to look out for you and your kids, it seems nobody else is.

Go see a solicitor, find out what you are entitled to and make sure you get it.

LineRunner Sun 07-Jun-15 08:24:01

Absolutely do not walk away without your share. You are going to need it, to bring up your children.

I don't think you need to feel guilty about ending a marriage to a man who treats you as an inconvenience when you are ill. He should have been kinder when it mattered, as per his marriage promises.

I flourished as a parent after my ExH left us. I thought this was 'stepping up'; but looking back I see that it was freedom from a critical man rather than simply necessity that had made the difference.

Good luck flowers

kittensinmydinner Sun 07-Jun-15 08:27:30

Are you a sahm. OP ? If so, have you thought about finding childcare and working full time ? motherhood isnt the utter, never ending joy that some lucky parents find it to be. I would have been able to manage for about 10 minutes before going insane.. maybe you just need some grown up life for you, then the domestic stuff /money would be more of a joint decision and not your husband dictating stuff like 'this will be a tight month' and all childcare housework falling to you.

Duckdeamon Sun 07-Jun-15 08:35:25

Is part of the reason why you get irritable with the DC that your H doesn't do his fair share of childcare, discipline/decisions about DC and domestic work?

It doesn't sound like you love him anymore. Leaving seems sensible, with good planning and financial/benefits and legal advice . Agree with PPs that you do need to seek a fair financial settlement to help provide for the DC in the future :there is nothing to feel guilty about or to "pay/make amends" for (by not "taking" any money from the house for example).

He can still "step up" as a father whether or not you live together.

Duckdeamon Sun 07-Jun-15 08:38:15

It is really crap that he was unsupportive when you had bleeding during pregnancy due to placenta previa.

HFarnsworth20 Sun 07-Jun-15 10:03:16

Just wanted to say that, as a father, I don't think you're being selfish at all; quite the opposite, as I think that you are so concerned with taking care of your family that you are picking holes in all the good that you do. A lack of support from your partner will affect your confidence like this.

I can sympathise with not feeling like you're doing your best, but I think we all feel like this at times. I went into parenthood thinking that I would be so full of patience and understanding and fun, but everyday life can just grind away at that. I know how miserable it can feel, especially if you do not feel like you are being supported and loved, and this will contribute to your feelings. You're not alone.

My wife is the one who does the 'it will be a tight month' speech, and I find it very patronising, as if I have no control over money (she does have a better head it, in fairness).

I hope this doesn't offend, but I think you should give consideration to what Gorgonzola said about counselling and possibly medication. This won't fix things, but I found that a mild AD and some helpful counselling gave me a good base to stand on, which gave me more strength and confidence to tackle the root problems.

Hope you are well this morning.

pugglefan Sun 07-Jun-15 10:19:19

I'll be honest, I don't want to do marriage counselling, I don't want to stay anymore. It's a cruel thing for me to say but it's how I feel.
But on paper, it now looks like I've not tried to fix things; he's trying to be a better father (more with DS than DD), he's also now throwing money at the situation (which pees me right off, as I know it's false, and I then sit worrying about money as its so ingrained in me now) he's also doing all the things I asked him to help me sort out a few years ago such as legal guardians for the children, and work on the house and it's making me feel trapped, like he's making it harder for me to go.
He also keeps trying to get me to commit to things in the future such as holidays and seeing friends abroad, which sends me into panic as I don't want to do it with him.

AlternativeTentacles Sun 07-Jun-15 10:24:52

But on paper

We don't life life on paper - we live it in the flesh. And in 10 years time when you have a new partner who supports you - you will be glad you made the change.

Anyone making disparaging comments about someone's decision to leave a partner is more than welcome to move in and experience it themselves.

HFarnsworth20 Sun 07-Jun-15 10:26:16

Apologies, I meant counselling for yourself, rather than marriage counselling. It may help give you strength and clarity to do what you feel you have to do.

Do you have family/friends with whom you could share your feelings and who would support you?

pallasathena Sun 07-Jun-15 10:43:04

If the thought of going on holiday and seeing friends abroad sends you into a panic because you don't want to go with him then I think you have your answer.

Its the end of the road.

You need a plan. A plan to extract yourself from this.

Bringing up kids in an atmosphere of dislike, distrust, judgemental behaviour towards you sets a pattern for future interactions. It becomes 'normal,' and that's what your kids will look for in their adult relationships.

You're most likely thinking it will be too hard to go it alone. At first it is. Really hard. But the alternative is to face a lifetime of feeling how you feel now with no exit plan and an increasing sense of unhappiness clouding your life and the lives of your children.

Before you know where you are, you'll be waving goodbye to your children as they disappear off to university or to travel or to work in another city and there you are! Just you and him and those four walls and a lot more heartache.

Can you visualise a future with just the two of you? Can you imagine him becoming the man you once hoped he would be?

Courage is an old fashioned word. But that's what you have to summon up. Its not impossible to make a better life for yourself. Like I said, you need a plan.

Vivacia Sun 07-Jun-15 10:45:27

I would see this as a gradual process. You've just needed this time to get to where you are now. It's just that you're ready for the next stage.

This bit, it's making me feel trapped, like he's making it harder for me to go. is interesting and makes me agree that CBT counselling might be very helpful.

Arion Sun 07-Jun-15 11:25:22

You have paid into the house with your childcare, it might not have been monetary, but it has been time, love and effort.

Please don't walk away without a fair share. Would it help to think of it as your children's share? The court / mediation will help decide a fair share, why would you take less, when it is your children that it will affect? I can understand you feeling beaten down, and wanting to get away, but think of it as for your children not you.

pugglefan Sun 07-Jun-15 19:08:50

Thank you for all the replies and non judgement.

To be honest, the fear of being alone doesn't really feature with me, it's how I'll manage financially, and where the kids and I will go. "D"H hasn't really made effort with our (or any) friends so isn't likely to be able to stay with anyone initially. I think we'll all have to live under one roof for a while, thankfully there's a spare bedroom.

I have confided in a couple of my friends, one of whom is friends with both of us; she has agreed that I am making the best decision and that he is not an easy person, never has been and has changed over the last few years, not for the better.

I don't hate him, I don't wish to hurt him, I know he loves me but I'm all out now, it's been too hard for too long and I don't see a way back, and I don't want to either. It's far from ideal to split up our family, but staying is making me ill, not to mention how it's going to be for the kids if I stay in an unhappy marriage, they'll be raised in an unhappy home, no one should have that. I know I am making the right decision now. Thank you all.

Namechanger2015 Sun 07-Jun-15 22:07:42

Good luck pugglefan, you sound very strong.

pugglefan Mon 08-Jun-15 08:31:28

Strong is definitely not how I'm feeling, but I'm good at acting! Its the right decision for all of us, he won't agree to begin with, maybe not for a long time, but I have to do it.

Vivacia Tue 09-Jun-15 11:43:59

I think that strong is like brave - brave doesn't mean you're not afraid to do something. It means you're afraid but doing it anyway.

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