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Emotionally wrecked

(12 Posts)
Chasmac Sat 06-Jun-15 21:25:10

I'm so emotionally messed up at the moment but il try and make this make some sense.
I'm in a relationship with an older man, he has 2 dc from previous relationships.
We've been together nearly 6 years and have a wonderful ds.
He didn't want any more children when he met me but he did because he knew how important it was to me.
The relationship has dwindled, we've neglected it while we've been busy being parents. No time spent a a couple and as soon as ds is in bed il flop on the sofa and him in front of the pc. We've recognised this and made more of an effort.
Recently i found out I was pregnant, I was happy because I've always dreamed of having 2 children and would love my ds to have a sibling close in age.
My partner was not happy. He didn't want another. I had a scan and found the baby had died, I had an erpc this week. (So admittedly not a great time to be doing this) I was distraught, he was there but he could of done more. He's not very affectionate at the best of times.
Anyway am now gone and I raised the subject of trying for another eventually. He has basically said no way. He will not change his mind and that's all there is to say on the matter.
I'm so upset, I wanted 2 children, I got used to the idea I would be having a baby and now it's gone and all future hope with it.
He said if I wanted another baby if have to leave him and find someone else.
I don't know what to do. Put my ds happiness above my own, accept it and stay in this relationship. (Il be unhappy and resentful)
Or do I go while in still young and build a life for me and my ds and hope maybe il meet someone and have a second child?
I don't want to rip this family apart but neither can I accept il have no more children.
Anyone been in a similar situation? Do I follow my heart or my head?

Heyho111 Sat 06-Jun-15 22:25:38

Your feeling so raw from the miscarriage that you can't make any sense of your feelings at the moment. Give yourself time to work out how you feel and what you want to do. Big hug.

Chasmac Sat 06-Jun-15 22:29:27

Thankyou, I think there's truth in that, however I want another child and that won't go. I almost want to just take some sort of control over my life...

griselda101 Sat 06-Jun-15 22:34:25

sounds like there are other issues other than the not having a child thing, e.g. your partner not being warm enough, particularly through this hard time, does that behaviour filter through in other ways as well?

sounds as though you want a warm partner as well as another child, and I doubt you will get either if you stay with him, but I guess you have to give it a little time to settle and talk it through properly with him, as Heyho above says you're in a difficult place right now so it's difficult to think clearly.


Chasmac Sat 06-Jun-15 23:19:55

It's not a perfect relationship.
He's not everything I want in a partner.
But I love him, I just feel like I have to choose between this want for another child or him.
We've spoken and he just point blank refused to even consider it. That alone hurts, that he can't discuss it with me in a caring way. It's just a no.
I just can't decide if I'm incredibly selfish to split up a family, separate a little bit from his Daddy just to make myself happy.

griselda101 Sat 06-Jun-15 23:34:22

sounds like this will eat you up if you stay with him, he doesn't sound caring enough for you

don't beat yourself up about feeling like this, if you do split you could work something out that is appropriate for you and you don't even have to split up in a difficult way - maybe you could be successful coparents and friends? Your child would learn to cope and be happier that her mum is happier too particularly if you are both sensitive about her needs.

just sounds like both your wants and needs are so different and as long as you are together and this is the case you will be unhappy or wondering "what if...".

You need someone caring and loving, and despite the kid issue imagine if you had someone like that, the kid issue might not even be an issue, but just a loving partner would be nice.

Chasmac Sun 07-Jun-15 14:37:58

I'm packing everything. Removing all trace of us from his house.
He just sits and watches.
I'd give anything for him to make it stop. To tell me this is not what he wants.

QuiteLikely5 Sun 07-Jun-15 14:54:40

I think you need to respect his decision and accept it.

He did compromise and you have a child together.

pocketsaviour Sun 07-Jun-15 15:00:49

I am concerned about you packing up your stuff and having a stressful move (where to?) less than a week after suffering a mc. The physical and emotional stress level on you must be considerable right now.

Can you stay where you are for now, and not make any big decisions while you're still reeling from the mc? I do understand your need for another child but I honestly don't think you're in the right frame of mind now to be making long-term, drastic decisions. flowers

Inexperiencedchick Sun 07-Jun-15 15:14:27

How old is your first child and what is the rush to have another one.

There is no need to create so much pain for you and for your partner.

Accept what you have at the moment wait until your child grows up a bit, until that time who knows he might even want a second baby himself. Compromise is very important. You won't achieve anything by giving an ultimatum.

Find a job if you don't have one, get on with your career...

I'm not sure if your age though...

And you just had a miscarriage and high on your emotions.

Just calm down... Work on getting your health back.

Your health will shaken more if you get pregnant again straight away.

Why would you create so much stress?

Just because you always dreamt to have 2 children?

Time will come and you might even end up having twins in future, who knows...

Seriously, there is no need for this right now.

Chasmac Mon 08-Jun-15 20:12:47

I had the miscarriage. My partner was not very supportive which hurt.
When I came home he said it was probably for the best as the idea of another child was making him depressed.
I said if anything I now wanted another child more.
He said I needed to leave and find someone else.
I'm not trying to cause pain or get pregnant straight away.
I wanted the chance that we would maybe have another but he is adamant.
I have moved out and it's been stressful but I could see now benefit in staying. He wouldn't look after me, we'd settle back into normal life and the question of another baby would still be there.

It's my second day of being gone and I was wobbly today....nearly rushed back. Ideally I want him to realise me our son and a baby would be better than nothing at all. But I hate false hope.
I just hope I reach the end of the week in one piece and know I can do it alone.

confusedoflondon Fri 12-Jun-15 15:21:06

He compromised once and I think you have to respect his decision and if you are set on two children, find someone else.

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