Lied! Now what to do

[Outnumbrd]

Ok, really need some help! I'm single with 4 kids, only 2 little oned live with me at present. I've been single for ages, getting on with life. Met a guy over a year ago when I was not looking for one, had several dates, then lost touch. One year on, we are back in touch, have had 2 dates in the past week, and I really like him, am at a different place in my life and we have another date set up. Problem... back when I first met him, I told him I had 2 children, the youngest 2! Why? I don't know!! I'm judged alot for being what people consider too young to have 4 kids, although I'm over that now, I was particularly sensitive back then. So, I respect this guy and just wabt him to know the truth, then whatever happens, happens! How do I tell him?!


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[grabaspoon]

Why did you only tell him about the youngest 2?

[MiniTheMinx]

It doesn't really matter how you tell him does it? Only that you do.

[Isetan]

You do him and yourself a disservice by continuing to lie, just tell him.

[lunar1]

Tell him now before either of you become more invested.

[Outnumbrd]

It was only a few dates before. We didn't really discuss the kids and I only mentioned the little 2 when I mentioned childcare. I am now proud to have 4, felt very judged before, but it's just how to tell him! Text, middle of meal, make a big deal of it or just drop it in conversation??

[Outnumbrd]

lunar1 I defjnitely do want to tell him, but how? So do I text him tonight? Or wait for our date tomorrow night?

[Lucy90]

Face to face something like 'i want us to be straight with eachother, when i told you i have two kids it wasnt true, i have four'

[Bahh]

Word vomit.

"I'm so embarrassed and don't really know how to say it but I have to get it out because we can't go any further until you know. I lied about how many kids I have. I said two, I have four. Only two live with me. I lied because ... Really sorry. Please let me know if this changes things or if you have questions".

I'd text, probably. Gives him a chance to think it over and give an honest, measured response. Putting him on the spot in person might result in him feeling pressured to continue and then doing a runner later on, or he might have a bad reaction.

[Outnumbrd]

ok, I thought a text would be a cop out, but now you put it like that... He's with his child this weekend, I didn't want to interupt their time together, but it is better than putting hom on the spot.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Do you need to put it that you lied, or just "didn't mention" the two who didn't live with you before as it wasn't really relevant to someone you're casually dating? After all you wouldn't have wanted to go into all the ins and outs of your private life with a man you hardly know, and why should you? Now you want to get to know him better you want to clear up any misunderstandings. But I wouldn't call it a lie. I'm honest to a fault, but I don't think what you did was particularly heinous. Why grovel when all you need to do is explain?

[Outnumbrd]

Anniegetyourgun Thank you! That's how I'm going to play it, as that is what happened anyway. Text or face to face on date?

[Inexperiencedchick]

Face to face. At least you will see his face expression.

Good luck

[Outnumbrd]

Inecperienced chick, I don't want to see his facial expression!! I like the idea of text, then he can mull it over. I suppose I'm worried he will just walk... The other option is to not mention it but keep everything fun and superficial

[CalleighDoodle]

I wouldnt make a huge deal out of it. He might kot remember. Next time youre together talk about your kids a little. Start with something the youngest two did, the. Say my oldest two
Blah blah and see how he reacts. You didnt lie and say you only had two (unless i misread) you just spoke about the two living with you.

[CalleighDoodle]

Or do similar in a text

[Joysmum]

I see texts as a cop out. I'd rather do the person deliver any sort of news in person and own it.

[Outnumbrd]

ok, I just sent the text, just saying I didn't mention my older 2 but that I have them etc.... Well We'll see if he responds! TBH, he mentioned his idea of fulfillment in his life is a wife and 3 kids, and I don't want any more. So it's better he knows where we are at! Thanks everyone for replying :)

[MiniTheMinx]

Face to face. I think Doodle has it. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. He does need to know though. I think its quite natural to speak about the two little ones that you see everyday. People don't have to give their life story out on date two, but neither should they be willfully dishonest. You ommitted to tell him, that's all!

Hope it goes well, if he is the one for you, it will be fine.

[MiniTheMinx]

x-posted, hope it works out for you

[bjrce]

That's an easy one. All you have to say is " when I said two, I meant two living at home, the other to are away, College, working etc., sorry wasn't quite clear, Its not a big issue, just don't continue to lie, as it will only get worse.

[goddessofsmallthings]

We didn't really discuss the kids and I only mentioned the little 2 when I mentioned childcare.

Exactly what Calleigh said.

Surely you only mentioned your 2 youngest children because they were the dc who needed childcare?

I don't understand why texting every gory detail is so popular and I'm convinced world war 3 will kick off via sms.

[QuiteLikely5]

Do you see the other two much? It matters - 4 is a big number, where children are concerned..........

I would not excuse this if someone had told me they had two children and actually had four!

[Outnumbrd]

yeh, I see them all the time, is 4 really a shockingly big number of kids? I have been made to feel like this when I met a new circle of friends a couple of years ago, and got a bit wary of 'admitting' it! But I'm not asking for someone to be a dad to 4 kids, they are all well looked after!

[Outnumbrd]

And, similar to what others have said, if you meet someone, you don't mention the kids until you're quite comfortable do you? I thought this was a safety rule of dating...

[Inexperiencedchick]

If after you inform him about the elder two children he chooses to walk away, you will know that he is not the right person. It is better than keeping yourself second guessing, isn't it?

They are your kids and I'm sure you are very proud to have 4. Not many people can have even 1 child.

If someone decides to come alone knowing that you are a mum of 4, it is a bonus. If not then you cant force someone to stay.

Take it easy, I'm sure it will be all fine ;)