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Enough now?

4 replies

patch123 · 06/06/2015 18:47

Hi, So.... my dp of 3yrs is 6yrs younger. I am divorced with 2 dc. He has struggled fitting in with family life as in his whole 34yrs he has lived on his own and not had any relationships. I get how hard this is and have given him loads of space away from the children so at one point he only ever saw me when the kids weren't there. Previous to that he was staying 5 nights a week as we were building up to living together but he suddenly couldn't take it anymore so I made sure the children weren't around him (not for his sake but for theirs). He begged to stay together and build it back up again so we bulit our relationship back up and then I introduced the dcs back to him and to be fair, he has now built up a great relationship with them both. However... we have been together 3yrs now and we are moving backwards rather than forwards. He doesn't ever stay over when the boys are here which is all week and every other weekend. He sees them for an hour sometimes but he gets all the best bits. He gets to be "just him" in his house all week while I deal with kids emotions, tantrums, tiredness, homework, my job, cooking, cleaning, lack of sleep, kids waking up etc... all on my own. Do you think he is having his cake and eating it? Last year we were talking about marriage, a baby and moving in together (in the reverse order) and now another year on and we are barely even staying over! He told me today that he's never done this before (relationship and kids) so its alot to deal with. He said he managed to buy a flat so is reluctant to let it go and he likes his little bubble in his own space. He says he loves me but is this commitment and love? Go me he seems like he still thinks he's 20yr and single. Is it wrong to want some sort of commitment after 3yrs? I'm 40 so anymore children need to happen soon as I didn't want to be this old. But he is ploding along but he has all the time in the world. Is he just fobbing me off or is he just scared or is he just wasting my time and life when I could have a "proper" relationship?? Any help appreciated...

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patch123 · 06/06/2015 18:47

God, sorry that's so long..

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SandysMam · 06/06/2015 18:52

If he doesn't like your kids or isn't good for them, then you shouldn't like him. End of. Put your children first and find someone who wants the whole package. Your life will be easier in the long run. Good luck!'

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Hmmmmmmmmmmmmx · 06/06/2015 19:04

What do you want?

Do YOU want more children? Do YOU want to marry him? Or can you live with this set up with a guy who isn't into the whole family thing with you?

There's nothing wrong with that. A lot of people have no interest in children at all, let alone other people's children. It's just a personal choice. It's unreasonable to assume a new partner will love and adore your children or is under an obligation to do so - but that is totally different from whether that partner's place in your life is enhancing to your life and NOT damaging to your children.

It may be possible to have a relationship that suits both people - if an occassional meet up when the kids are out suits both - but it's probably not going to be fulfiling if you want a man around full time.

Yes - he is young and he does have all the time in the world.

But I repeat, what do YOU want? If you want a happy family set up with this man, it ain't gonna happen.

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patch123 · 06/06/2015 19:14

I think I do want a normal life. Stable partner, live together. I did suggest we stay living apart as thought that may work but not sure it will..