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Rare but possible when?

(34 Posts)
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmx Sat 06-Jun-15 18:42:18

I know it's rare but it does sometimes happen that after a break up/bad treatment by one person, a couple get back together and it works out.

Eg. couple I know married 10 years, 2 kids, happy family first got together at university. He was awful to her at university - basically slept with her a couple of times and mucked her around. Behaved like an utter sh*t. They had a friendship group in common and stayed in touch. Rest is history. Happy ending.

I was wondering when is there a way back from bad treatment and a happy future? What does it depend on - forgiveness or the other person changing? What things should you be looking for if you want to give someone another chance?

Is it only when people are young and then a lot of time goes by and they mature? Or is it possible that as an adult after a lapse of time, you can move on and have a happy future?

I know in most cases the answer will be "forget it; once an ars.ehole, always and ar.sehole"; but looking for guidance as to those rare cases and examples of them.

beaglesaresweet Sat 06-Jun-15 18:48:43

I'd say immaturity plays a huge role, esp with men. Many do grow up and also have a few knocks along the way, so that they value a genuine feeling/love from a woman. But most of the cases are not with the same person, i.e. when they grow up they are good to new partners, too embarassed about their behavoiur with the one they treated badly.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmx Sat 06-Jun-15 19:11:32

Is it just when people are young then? What about cases of adults getting together again later and it working out?

PerfectlyPosed Sat 06-Jun-15 19:13:51

Myself and my DP got together when we were 21. Both liked a drink which inevitably led to us rowing a lot and breaking up. 6 months apart and we got back together. Both of us needed to change and grow up. 2 years on we have a beautiful DD and couldn't be happier.

StillICling Sat 06-Jun-15 21:11:44

I was a rubbish partner according to my ex.

I accept that for large swathes of our relationship that I probably was.

She wasn't perfect either, by any stretch, but I have to take it on board that if i'd only seen the signs (which looking back, were obvious) before it was too late , that we'd still be together and I wouldn't find myself cut off from the woman I love, who was my best friend , and our beautiful child. Me and her are so similar in so many ways . It's the reason we got together in the first place and ultimately, why we ended up drifting apart.

What makes it worse though is the fact that after the opinions of the wonderful people of mumsnet were savagely relayed to her in the build up and since our split, she now thinks I'm some sort of nutter who consciously and systematically set out to play mind games with her for the whole of our relationship. A relationship in which we shared many many happy times. Yes there were ups and downs and we had rows like in any normal relationship, but I can honestly say hand on heart that there were never any mind games, or trying to "keep her in her place" or control her or anything sinister along those lines. Yes I was a cunt at times. I hold my hands up to that. I can't accept the rewriting of the previous 10+ years though, and see other threads on here that see people whose partners may be acting shit, or not pulling their weight, being told that their partners are satanic abusers that are not even fit for burning, by people who know almos0t nothing about the people in real life and only half of the back story, told from a completely subjective angle.

Since we've split, her treatment of me has been horrendous , pouring salt in to the wounds where my life has been ripped apart , losing the everyday interaction with her and our baby. Physically and mentally sick. Broken hearted. Unable to perform my role as a good parent. Family and friends have all suffered as a result of the fall out.

Yet, I still wish we could sort things out and try and put the past behind us and work on our relationship for the sake of our child and each other. I can only hope that one day , she may feel the same.

People ask how I could ever consider even speaking to her again (people have probably said the same to her) One friend even said how his other half had never truly taken to her anyway... This hurt me .Despite everything, I still want everyone to like her and didn't really care much for the girl who said it anyway. She's not a patch on my ex, who everyone who matters to me, loved. Almost universally, people can't believe that we have split up.

All I'm saying really is you have to hope their is some chance that differences can be aside in lieu of a happy future if that's what you asking. It's not impossible , although stats would probably say that's it's unlikely, sadly.

Hope things work out for you , either way.

SchroSawMargeryDaw Sat 06-Jun-15 21:21:59

DP and I got together when I was 18, it was me who was horrible to him and we broke up for a couple of months, we've been happy since and I'm 24 now and we have two DS.

Definitely immaturity on my part and I had just broken up with my first proper bf (4 years), so went a bit off the rails once I tasted freedom!

Gorgonzolacherry Sun 07-Jun-15 00:06:27

Yes, I think this is possible. Have seen it with a friend. Her chap had a lot of misfortune and came to her as a friend for support (their relationship had ended years ago as he was a player and couldn't commit). Fundamentally his heart was I the right place and the misfortune coupled with her unstinting support made him fall in love with her. A real romance. And a real happy ending.

gelwax Sun 07-Jun-15 00:16:22

DH (before he was DH) expressed a desire to be with me. I knocked him back for a man who was abusive in all possible ways. XP dumped me (obviously) and I was devastated. A few months on I realised that DH (we'd remained friends) was truly the person with whom I was meant to spend my life. I told him. He (understandably) told me to get gone. I spent 6 months proving that I was devoted to him and over XP. I convinced him. We've got 2 DC. I was a dick, but I'll never make that mistake again.

cailindana Sun 07-Jun-15 09:33:04

Cling, do you believe your ex gave up your relationship and won't go back because of what strangers on the internet said?

To answer the op, yes it is possible, as long as the dickhead totally acknowledges their behaviour and makes huge efforts to change. But the other partner is well within their rights go reject that, especially if abuse was present.

StillICling Mon 08-Jun-15 17:10:38

Thanks CaLindana

I didn't say that exactly. I accept my faults and what I would need to eliminate, add and improve upon. But yes, I believe the reason that she now thinks there was so much more on a deeper level to it, the reason she wasn't open to relationship counselling, despite us having a child, and the reason that she has been so uncharacteristically mean to me since the split, is because of the advice of strangers on the Internet, as you put it. There are several lives being damaged by it all.

SoozeyHoozey Mon 08-Jun-15 17:23:22

It's funny stillclinging, you say you accept responsibility and blame yet your posts read very much like you are the victim in all this. You blame Internet strangers and you blame for your ex for being mean and not let you be a dad. And yet what was the catalyst for all this? It was your own bad behaviour. It sounds like you had many chances to fix yourself but you didn't. You were only willing to face up to it once it was too late. I can see why your ex dumped you.

Joysmum Mon 08-Jun-15 17:30:52

the reason that she has been so uncharacteristically mean to me since the split, is because of the advice of strangers on the Internet, as you put it. There are several lives being damaged by it all

Ah so you didn't respect her enough to treat her right when you were together, and now you are putting her down as unable to make her own choices and know her own mind.

She wasn't mean before as she thought differently of you then. Her views changed so her attitude towards you did too.

Seems like she's made the right decision, well done her. smile

StillICling Mon 08-Jun-15 17:33:40

Thanks soozeyhoozey.

You don't know a thing about me. Or that there even was any "bad behaviour" I admitted in previous post , to cut to the chase that I accepted that at times I had "been a cunt". No one is going to have a perfect record over such a long relationship and she certainly wasn't whiter than white either. This is normal. This is real life.

I've shown people, who know me properly, the things I've been called and accused of being on here , and thankfully been assured that I am not these things. They know my faults , I won't deny that. They have their own faults too though. Nobody is perfect.

Your kind words are appreciated though.

StillICling Mon 08-Jun-15 17:35:07

Thanks Joy

cailindana Mon 08-Jun-15 18:57:09

If your ex is genuinely so easily manipulated by people on the internet, then aren't you better off without her Cling?

StillICling Mon 08-Jun-15 19:05:04

You are not the first person to say this Calindana. Personally I still believe not. I still love her and my child and want us to be a family together. I feel worthless without them.

cailindana Mon 08-Jun-15 20:40:55

Unfortunately if she doesn't feel that way then there's nothing you can do about it. If she says she doesn't want a relationship then you have to accept that. You get that don't you?

pocketsaviour Mon 08-Jun-15 21:27:30

So your wife came on MN to find help, advice and reassurance.

She decided to split from you, and now you've decided to invade what should have been a safe space for her and whine about how the nasty wimmins made her leave you.

<slow clap>

iloverunning36 Mon 08-Jun-15 22:45:34

You sound soooo like my Emotionally, verbally and financially abusive ex stilllcling

I was a rubbish partner according to my ex.

I accept that for large swathes of our relationship that I probably was

What are the things you were accused of? (And innocent of according to your friends)

StillICling Mon 08-Jun-15 23:31:43

Candida - Yes I get that.

Pocket - thanks

Running - I'm afraid I am not he. I am also not abusive , controlling , autistic , Sociopathic , narcissitc, a feeder , undeserving of being a father (or even seeing my kids, ever, some people kindly chipped in with) The stuff that my friends dismissed would contain some of the above plus a mix of every name under the sun being levelled at me, mostly by strangers.

I am fairly shy in certain social situations, but much more of late, but would put that down to depression. I have lots of good long term friends and didn't used to be like this, or to this extent . The depression also led to what would manifest in withheld love or an in ability to discuss my feelings properly. Although I did always tell her that I did love her , she claimed to not have felt loved. I have to hold my hand up for my part in that , there was other factors, but I accept the lead role my behaviour played in that. I did think that before the break up m I had made some lifestyle changes which were helping to remove the long term depression and the benefits were beginning to show. I just feel the rug was then pulled from under me before we got to see what it would've been like without that constant cloud as a factor.

I accept my faults.

Gilrack Mon 08-Jun-15 23:39:25

Perhaps you are too accepting of your faults, Cling? It seems your ex chose not to accept them any longer.

If someone behaves like a cunt for ten years, it's reasonable to suppose they do find their behaviour acceptable. Such people often feel resentful of others - particularly their poor partners - who ask them to behave less like a cunt.

It's also worth pointing out, for other readers as you won't listen, that deliberate planning isn't necessary for abuse. The majority of abusers do it because "that's just how things are". It can often be traced back to relationship patterns and/or values learned in childhood. Most abusers would describe themselves as reasonable, loving individuals. Sadly, their actual behaviours don't always match their self-image.

iloverunning36 Mon 08-Jun-15 23:54:56

My ex also put his vile treatment of me down to depression

StillICling Tue 09-Jun-15 00:04:38

Hi Running. I haven't put any 'vile treatment' down to depression, so not sure about the "also"

I did put an inability to relay my feelings often and well enough and being emotionally absent for long periods. If someone is genuinely ill I wouldn't say that actions or inactions are necessarily vile treament. unfortunate , yes.

StillICling Tue 09-Jun-15 00:12:19

Thanks Gil

Just to clarify. I didn't behave like a cunt for 10 years. I overwhelmingly did not be a cunt for 10 years. On occasion , we both did. Show someone who has never done anything cunty , and we'll find ourselves a liar or a very very rare exception.

Gilrack Tue 09-Jun-15 00:16:55

Well, I've always been a nice person but I did a lot of very cuntish things while still operating to the emotional value system I got from my birth family.

I don't suppose any of this matters all that much, though, as your ex has made her choices and stated her perception of things that passed between you. As a reasonable adult you have to respect her right to her opinions, don't you?

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