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Am I being too picky, or am I fair to expect more?

(29 Posts)
bethere45a Sat 06-Jun-15 17:34:27

DP and I live together - late twenties, 3.5 years. I have felt somewhat disheartened about the relationship over the last year or so, for the following reasons...

- DP talks about our 'future' but nothing ever changes. He cannot wait to marry me...apparently. But when I've taken the initiative to probe a little (I dislike doing this, obviously), he becomes quite child like and makes a joke out of it and says 'soon, just wait.' This has gone on for a good year now.

- When we have had a big dispute (only had 2 real blow outs), one of which was certaintly him in the wrong and he admits this, too...his reaction was to tell me he wanted some 'time to clear his head.' I asked what he meant - ie did he mean he wasn't sure on us, and he said no, but the dispute had made him stressed so he wanted a weekend apart. I wouldn't mind this, had I not been utterly distraught about the dispute myself, seeing as it was about HIM lying to ME, not me hurting him in any way.

- When he had worked away once, on his return, he had a friend's annual Xmas party to attend...I was also invited, though I didn't know the guy very well. The plan was that DP would pay my train fare as well as his, as he had earned a decent whack while working away and I hadnt seen him in a month. The day before he got back he told me that he couldnt afford to pay for me too, (he knew I wouldnt be able to pay for myself), and said he was going to go anyway. I was gutted, mainly because I hadnt seen him in 4 weeks already and felt he couldnt be arsed with me.

- We recently looked at buying a home together (had even viewed places), and then a few weeks later I picked up a call from an estate agent to find he had booked a viewing to see a flat without buy alone...and, to make it even worse, had told him mum about this plan. So I was there thinking we were planning a future together, while he was having private chats with an estate agent and his mother about buying alone.

- Despite my trying to be lovely to his mother, I am constantly met with short answers and a cold shoulder. I asked if she wanted support at a funeral of her friend when my DP was away, to which she replied 'no thanks.' She also told my DP that he should consider moving out of our home as it was better for his job. DP doesnt defend me for fear of hurting him mum's feelings. It makes me feel shit, especially when I have done nothing wrong - my intention from day one was to be supportive and caring towards her, as that is how I have been brought up and that's what I feel is the right thing to do. She makes that very hard.

- When I have called him up on any of the above...his response is that he feels pressured by me. This has made me feel guilty, and very confused. I am quite a proactive person, but I always, always listen to him and his views and care very much for his happiness. I've been excited about my future with him, and perhaps he sees that as pressure. I am so confused.

As a result of the above, I am starting to feel like I am wasting my time and part of me is wondering if I deserve better. But then I think am I being unfair on him? Have I pressured him? Is this my fault?

Any advice really appreciated.

firesidechat Sat 06-Jun-15 17:39:36

Have you posted about this before? It all seems very familiar - the buying a house together, him then wanting to buy alone and the mother's involvement, him saying he wants to marry you and the delaying tactics.

AlternativeTentacles Sat 06-Jun-15 17:43:17

He isn't going to marry you love.

BrowersBlues Sat 06-Jun-15 17:44:30

Darling you are not pressurising him. You are doing normal things that people do in a 3 year plus relationship. He let you down on the weekend away, he has told you he needs space and has made even made enquiries about buying his own home. He doesn't defend you when his mother is rude to you. Please listen to all the things he is telling you.

You are definitely not being unfair on him. I think you should sit him down with no distractions and ask him outright whether he does not want to get married. He sounds like he is extremely unsure and maybe having a frank discussion might give him the courage to tell you what is actually going on.

Don't avoid the conversation because if he doesn't want to get married or be in a relationship with you, you will get over with and experience the joy of one day being with someone who completely adores you and treats you like a queen.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 06-Jun-15 17:45:52

You've written about him before haven't you under other names?. If you have not I am indeed mistaken but several details seem very familiar.

He has you on a string really and says just enough to keep you still there.
I doubt very much that he will ever marry you; apart from anything else his mother will not approve at all and he still wants that of and from her. You are his "she will do for now" woman.

You have cared very much for his happiness - at the expense of your own and he will always put his mother (who he is really afraid of) above you. He does not care for you as much. You come across as both people pleasing and co-dependent; two relationship states that are really unhealthy. This is not a healthy relationship at all to be in.

You are wasting your life on this person and you do deserve better. Your problem is that you still do not believe those inherent truths so you keep posting perhaps in the hopes of receiving a different answer.

firesidechat Sat 06-Jun-15 17:46:25

Hope that works.

If this is one of your other threads then I think the advice was pretty good.

fancyanotherfez Sat 06-Jun-15 17:46:53

I would say 3.5 years is quite a long time. You want more and he feels pressured, his mother doesn't like you and he doesn't want to live with you or marry you, all of which you want. If you feel you are wasting your time, you probably are!

ThingummyJigg Sat 06-Jun-15 17:47:09

When does your current tenancy agreement end?

Time the end of this relationship accordingly.

Listen to the part of you that says you deserve better. The part that says you're being unfair, have pressured him and it's your fault, that's someone else's voice, not yours. The bit saying you deserve better is your true voice - pay attention to that and take heed.

From your OP, he doesn't care as much about you as you do about him, or so it seems to me.

Melonfool Sat 06-Jun-15 17:51:15

In that thread the OP was going to buy on her own, in this it's the dp who has been looking on his own - but it does all sound very much the same, same phrases etc.

I think the answer is the same - he's not in it for the long haul, for whatever reason. Cut your losses.

ImperialBlether Sat 06-Jun-15 17:54:23

Sorry but my response on reading that was "Oh, fuck him off." He's not interested enough, he's still tied to his mum's apron strings, he's selfish and it wouldn't surprise me at all if he's been messing around with women.

I daresay if you did dump him he's show a sudden surge of interest, but don't be fooled by that.

You sound lovely, particularly how you wanted to be there for his mum, and I would hate you to end up with her as a MIL (as she sounds horrible) and with her son as a husband/father of your children. You deserve so much more. Please, please see the light now and dump his sorry arse.

magoria Sat 06-Jun-15 18:01:05

You are Miss Right Now not Miss Right.

As soon as Miss Right comes along you will be history.

Move on with your life and leave this man to himself.

Joysmum Sat 06-Jun-15 18:03:51

By accusing you of putting under pressure for understandably being unhappy, he's denying you the right to fell.

That's not a healthy relationship you are in.

Joysmum Sat 06-Jun-15 18:04:35


You are allowed to be upset and he's surpressing you and making you doubt yourself.

firesidechat Sat 06-Jun-15 18:06:47

In that thread the OP was going to buy on her own, in this it's the dp who has been looking on his own - but it does all sound very much the same, same phrases etc.

No, the op wanted to buy together on that one too. It's the same person.

I'm not being deliberately nasty to you op, but you will not get different answers however many times you repost in a slightly different way. I have a lot of sympathy for you and I think in time you will see the situation for what it really is. In the meantime we are here to listen, but it might be better to post on one of your original threads rather than start new ones.

TendonQueen Sat 06-Jun-15 18:08:26

Tell him you don't think the relationship is working and you're ending it. That may well see a massive backtrack on his part once he realises the game's up. I still wouldn't stay with him. You can do a lot better and he thinks he's all that, when he isn't.

Pancakeflipper Sat 06-Jun-15 18:22:07

He's not for you. Invest no more in this. Get out now.

Inexperiencedchick Sat 06-Jun-15 18:22:40

He is not going to marry you.

He is keeping his options open, for sure.

Don't waste your time on him.

bethere45a Sat 06-Jun-15 18:23:40

Thanks. I just wanted a bit of re assurance. Deep down I know this can't be me...his behaviour is too weird for me to be blaming myself, but it's hard to accept sometimes. I think part of me wants to blame myself so I can fix it, when in reality, he is the only one who could do that as he has messed up!!

What upsets me is that over time I have become more and more insecure... making me feel suspicious and cross with him. I hate that he has made me this way because that isn't who I am...I'm a trusting, happy and loving person...and over the last few months I felt so down and uncertain around him that I have probably seemed like a rubbish girlfriend in his eyes. All I want is some honesty and sincerity and respect. Urgh it just sucks.

firesidechat Sat 06-Jun-15 18:34:52

Well it's pretty clear that this isn't a healthy, happy or viable relationship. I'm not one for throwing out ltb left, right and centre, but in your case I don't see what else you can do. You seem desperately unhappy and it appears to be dominating your every waking moment, as evidenced by your numerous threads on here.

Whatever you do don't remain passive and come back in a few days time with another new thread. Do something and take back some control.

bethere45a Sat 06-Jun-15 18:36:33

I think it's the guilt feeling about 'pressurising' him that is making me second guess myself. Before he said that I felt very sure that he was treating me horribly in terms of our future. That's the part that has made me second-guess myself. I'm realising I deserve better. It feels sad though.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 06-Jun-15 18:36:54

Its not you, its him. He has a shedload of issues re his mother as well.

I thought you like to "fix" people as well, that is a problem to do with you that needs serious addressing. He meets some innate needs in you. You were likely taught by your parents to people please and be co-dependent.

Co-dependents have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating.

Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need. The problem also is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behaviour that causes it. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships. That is what is happening to you now.

He has NEVER been your project to rescue and or save and you CANNOT fix him. Whatever gave you that idea at all (hence the suggestion now also to get counselling for your own self to unravel all that crap). Reading "Co-dependent No More" by Melodie Beattie would be a good starting point.

You need to end this relationship now before you become even further emotionally invested and more hurt as a result.

eddielizzard Sat 06-Jun-15 18:39:41

your instincts are right. you are wasting your time. very clearly he has no intention of marrying you or having a future. you're fine for now but he's keeping his options open. that is shit.

keep your dignity and end it. before he does.

MyGastIsFlabbered Sat 06-Jun-15 18:53:39

I spent 8 years with someone tied to his mother's apron strings. When it came down to it he'd rather upset me than her and I'd had enough. We've only separated recently but we have 2 children together so we still have to see each other. I'd say get out now, he won't change.

BolshierAyraStark Sat 06-Jun-15 19:00:59

He's not going to marry you, stop wasting your time with him & move on to better things.

silveroldie2 Sat 06-Jun-15 19:17:18

I'm sorry but he will never put you before his mother and he will never marry you if his mother doesn't approve. She is unlikely to think any woman would be good enough for her precious son and he won't marry while she's alive.

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