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This might be long

(27 Posts)
category1 Sat 06-Jun-15 11:51:03

On the face of it, it seems callous to split up with my dh because he may have lost his job, doesn't it?

He is in a job that gets randomly tested for drugs / alcohol - and he failed. He faces a disciplinary next week: he may lose the job.

I am feeling numb. He was in tears yesterday because he realised he's running the risk of our marriage ending as well, by my reaction - or lack of one. I can't think of anything to say. Every time we have something good going for us, a chance to get ahead, he screws it up. It's like he's sabotaging us. We have been through so much, over and over. I had high hopes of this job - something he could progress in, it had good benefits and a pension, some security and hope at last. I work with a decent employer as well, so for once I thought we might get somewhere, out of debt maybe, maybe be able to get a decent car instead of our heap, maybe even have a holiday. Fuck I sound all about money, but life is so hard when you're struggling, it was like a light at the end of a tunnel.

And now I am running on empty. I don't know what I feel. Currently nothing much . I don't know how to keep going in this relationship.

I feel like life would be easier without him, I wouldn't have much money but we don't anyway - and at least it wouldn't be spent down the pub, I'd be in control of it.

I'll stop there. I don't really know what I am asking, tbh.

HootyMcTooty Sat 06-Jun-15 13:50:57

Was it drink or drugs he failed on? Does he have a drink problem? Had he been drinking at work or was it from the night before?

I don't think it's callous to leave if he loses his job if it's simply another nail in the coffin. If you had been otherwise happy, yeah I'd think it was a harsh move on your part, but it seems that's not the case.

Newtobecomingamum Sat 06-Jun-15 14:08:06

Is his drink/drug problem an ongoing issue, has this caused problems in other areas of your relationship?

Putting the job incident aside, how is he generally? Is he a good husband, do you have kids etc?

Obviously if he is a regular drinker/drug taker and is abusive or has got you into debt etc that's a different story... But you need to provide a little but more info if you feel comfortable to do so, so that it helps people with their responses to your post.

It sounds like he's very upset about what's happened, is he sorry, has he learnt from it? Has he mentioned getting help etc?

X

RandomMess Sat 06-Jun-15 14:11:27

So he knowing contravened company policy presumably endangering lives or similar if they have such strictness they impose tests?

Does sound like the final nail in the coffin. If money has always been an issue yet he spends money in the pub that you're not happy about it sounds like you've not been on the same page for a long long time...

category1 Sat 06-Jun-15 14:50:01

It was alcohol he failed on.

I don't know whether it's alcoholism. He goes down the pub every day, generally after work. Just for a pint. He says. But it's usually more.

He has been banned for drink driving twice. That hit us for how and where he could work for years.

And now it is likely he'll lose this job.

Maybe it is alcoholism.

We have kids. He's generally a good husband, does his share, looks after them. But often seems to prefer to be at the pub than spend time with us.

He says he's learnt from it, but I've heard it before. I was watching him cry and felt nothing. I don't believe him, I don't trust him.

He's away for the weekend, something we already had planned, so I'm thinking in the space.

QuiteLikely5 Sat 06-Jun-15 14:51:47

Ok, if it's a drink problem I have known companies to offer support if there are genuine issues.

If it's drugs it's going to be instant dismissal in my experience.

Which industry is it op?

QuiteLikely5 Sat 06-Jun-15 14:52:52

I think you have lost respect for him op.

category1 Sat 06-Jun-15 14:59:24

I guess I have.

We came so close to splitting up a couple of years ago, and I promised myself I wouldn't keep going if we couldn't make it work again.

It's like how much is enough. This much? This much?

pocketsaviour Sat 06-Jun-15 15:07:47

If he's been banned for drink driving twice, and now this, then yes he has a drink problem.

He has prioritised his drinking about spending time with you and the kids, and above keeping his job (and presumably above the safety of the customers or whatever that he deals with at work - I can't think of any industries where you get randomly breathalysed unless you're doing something with a lot of responsibility.)

I think you are now at the point where you have to put your children's future first and say "enough is enough". He can still be a good dad to them if you can remain amicable and co-parent. But I think for me, I'd be ending the marriage, because the trust and respect would be long gone.

AnyFucker Sat 06-Jun-15 15:08:14

This would be the nail in the coffin for me too

if he hasn't learned a lesson after two convictions for drink driving then he has an established problem with alcohol and he will continue to prioritise that over family, children, employment and the security of all those things

I would cut him loose before he brings you all down further. He knew the consequences but did it anyway. I am sorry thanks

trackrBird Sat 06-Jun-15 15:35:06

It's not going to change. No corners will be turned. This is how it's going to be, I'm afraid.

But I would suggest not making decisions just now, when you're feeling low and numb. Put it on ice for a bit. Just do what you have to.

When you feel stronger, turn over the idea of a new start, just you and the DC. Also see if you can have a few sessions of counselling via your GP. You sound a little depressed (as anyone would be) and it might help to have a space where you can talk things through.

Finola1step Sat 06-Jun-15 15:44:54

He has 2 convictions for drink driving. You are on a tight budget yet he goes to the pub every day. Spending family money on alcohol that can not be spared.

Now he has risked his job because of alcohol. It is not for me to diagnose your husband with alcoholism but one thing is very clear. Alcohol is a key feature of your husband's life to the detriment of you and his family. His relationship with alcohol is very strong.

You can not change him and his relationship with alcohol. But you can protect yourself and your dc from it. I would insist that he leaves the family him and seeks help. That will then give you time and space to evaluate what you want out of life.

category1 Sat 06-Jun-15 15:50:55

A while ago I was thinking about splitting our finances, thinking we could have a mutual pot for bills and groceries, but I realised I didn't trust him not to just take out of it if he wanted to. Always to "put back later", but never doing, of course. So I guess that says a lot.

I dream I might manage better alone, but maybe I'd be just as crap with money.

I don't think I am depressed, but maybe. I am waiting to find out if he loses the job before I decide anything definitively, crap as that is: I can see us carrying on and maybe making it work - maybe he would be shaken up enough to keep it together? But I think of him being unemployed and I just go noooo not again. It's awful of me.

HootyMcTooty Sat 06-Jun-15 16:06:39

It certainly sounds like there's a drink problem. You don't get banned for drink driving, twice, for having one drink in the pub after work. You don't fail an alcohol test from one drink the night before after work. I'm afraid if he didn't learn after the first driving ban, it's unlikely anything will change now.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 06-Jun-15 16:18:30

You may just as well ask 'how long is a piece of string?', cat, and only you can determine how much it will take before you've had 'enough'.

This is an example of the numerous self-tests that are available on the internet ncadd.org/learn-about-alcohol/alcohol-abuse-self-test and as alcoholism and denial go hand in hand, I suggest you sit with him and discuss what he proposes to enter as his answer to each queston as he completes this test, or one/all of the others 'out there'.

I don't doubt it's soul-destroying for you to repeatedly have your entirely reasonable and realistic hopes for the future appearing to be within your grasp only for him to sabotage them, but determining whether his destructive behaviour is caused by his dependence on alcohol or by negative past experience(s) that may have led him to believe he is not worthy or deserving of that which others take for granted could take many years of psychoanalysis during which financial security, and the peace of mind which accompanies it, may continue to elude you.

I'm not going to suggest you ltb because I don't believe he is one but, nevertheless, staying with him will prevent you from providing your dc with the stability they, and you, deserve.

category1 Sat 06-Jun-15 16:24:57

That really resonates for me, goddess.

I don't think he thinks he deserves to have anything good. I don't want him to prove it to himself finally, but I don't think I can do this any more.

Lweji Sat 06-Jun-15 16:28:07

Well, you gave him a chance last time.

Is this another one?

Do you really believe you'd be just as crap with money as he is?
How much does he spend on the pub every day?

And you will be supporting him financially, yet again, because he has lost his job. He knows he can do what he wants because you're picking it all up for him.

I do think you will be better off away from him. Perhaps it will be the wake up call he needs to turn his life around, or perhaps he will go to the bottom, but at least he will be going alone and not drag his family along with him.

Sickoffrozen Sat 06-Jun-15 17:09:25

Always remember, it is not compulsory to stay with someone who constantly let's you down and who makes you unhappy, which he clearly does.

Personally I couldn't be with someone who after being banned from driving once through drinking, then does it again! That would have been my too much.

Going alone can be scary but you have a job so that's a start and it sounds like he just drags you down.

QuiteLikely5 Sat 06-Jun-15 17:21:11

What you are doing is going round in a circle, hoping every time you start at the beginning that the next time will be different. But it never is, so on you keep going round and round.

I think one day you might get fed up of the circle.

Only you will know when that day has arrived.

Joysmum Sat 06-Jun-15 17:29:29

I'm afraid I'm with others who have posted.

Anyone with a drink driving ban would be very careful. A second conviction shows the drink is more important than is healthy.

You're both in debt but he spends on alcohol everyday because the alcohol is more important than clearing the debt...and time with you.

...and now he's potentially lost his job because failed a test he knew was a condition of his work because the drink is more important. sad

newstart15 Sat 06-Jun-15 17:34:35

I left for this reason, it never gets better and the children are better out of the situation.He has a problem with alcohol and that's destructive to everyone in the family.You are forced to be responsible, to look after him..I believe alcoholism malesmales people selfish & unreliable.
His tears are for himself as he knows he was on a last chance. If he is in the construction industry there is unlikely to be a 2nd chance as the stakes are just too high and he is a risk to others.I'my so sorry, it's such a waste of what could be a good life.I have never regretted leaving.

tribpot Sat 06-Jun-15 17:39:37

I simply don't think it's feasible that a person without a drink problem could get done for drink driving twice and fail an alcohol test at work. The drinking is, by definition, causing problems. And to be honest if his employer knows about his previous convictions I can't see them wanting to be lenient at all - there is a clear pattern of behaviour.

I think you know that you'd be better off without him as a millstone around your neck. There will never be a good time to do it - if things were going well you'd be spoiling a good time and if things are already bad you're making them worse.

He has made his choices. It's not a question of bad things happening to him. He caused them to happen. And if/when you leave, he will have caused that too. You are spending your kindness on the wrong person in the relationship - be kind to yourself for a change. If a friend came and told you what you've told us, what would you say to her?

Effster23 Sat 06-Jun-15 17:47:55

So I'll leave this thought here...

A decent pint is what, £3.20? Two pints a night, that's about 2 hours in the pub five nights a week; that's £32.00/10 hours?

What could he be doing family wise in those two hours that would make a difference to yours and the DC's lives?

What could that £32.00 a week do to make a difference in yours and the DC's lives?

The answer is lots.

category1 Sat 06-Jun-15 18:37:56

The answer is indeed lots. sad

I think if I told anyone the full story of our marriage, they would be surprised we're still together. We always get through things, but I started to think, just before I turned 40, maybe getting through isn't enough. But we've managed another couple of years since then. But should it be so fucking hard?

I've covered up with family so they don't really know what's gone on with us. My mum's partner is dying of cancer.

My mil just took on paying back one of the credit cards for us. It was in my name, though he did the spending on it. I'm going to look like a complete bitch.

trackrBird Sat 06-Jun-15 19:37:02

I think you have to tell the truth. Chances are people have suspected all is not ok, especially given the drunk driving convictions: that's not really something you can gloss over.

Tell MIL he spent the money, not you. She might not be that surprised. If people still think you are a b*tch they'll just have to, but if you calmly tell the truth, and are frank about things, that's the best you can do.

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