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female falling in love with female friend

(42 Posts)
totallybewildered Sat 06-Jun-15 09:30:56

NCed! Has this ever happened to anyone?

ALaughAMinute Sat 06-Jun-15 09:35:41

Not to me but it happens all the time. Are you falling in love with a female friend? Does she know about it?

totallybewildered Sat 06-Jun-15 09:37:48

It happens does it? I think my best friend has fallen in love with me. I'm really shocked and scared and upset and I don't know what to do.

TheHoundsBitch Sat 06-Jun-15 09:41:50

Why do you think that? And why are you scared??

totallybewildered Sat 06-Jun-15 09:45:17

Because her behaviour has changed, we have always been affectionate, but in the last month or two she has been more and more sort of possessive, and almost romantic. She is always looking at me. Other people in the same office have started saying things to me about it.

applejacksauntie Sat 06-Jun-15 09:48:05

You need to talk to her. Ask her if she is ok and maybe if you have a strong friendship mention what others in the office are saying and see what she says.

VanitasVanitatum Sat 06-Jun-15 09:48:51

I don't think you have anything to be scared of at this point, unless she is stalking you or anything similar.

Have you mentioned her change in behaviour to her?

ALaughAMinute Sat 06-Jun-15 09:51:02

Are the other people in the office shit stirring or does she really fancy you?
I think you first need to establish if she has feeling for you or not and then decide what to do about it. Would it bother you if you thought she was falling in love with you? Do you think you could continue the friendship?

totallybewildered Sat 06-Jun-15 09:52:30

Has anyone else done this or been in a situation where their friend has done this? Did you ever get things back to normal again?

SelfLoathing Sat 06-Jun-15 09:52:41

I would ignore it for two reasons.

One, you may be wrong.

Two, if you are right (and I assume from the tone of your post you don't feel the same way) there is nothing you can do. People feel how they feel. You can't stop someone from being in love. If you raise it, it will just be REALLY awkward and after a period of "trying to be ok with it" weirdness, the friendship will probably break down totally. There is nothing more unpleasant being around someone who really is crazy about you when you've told them you aren't interested.

People are sensitive and it's not likely that she doesn't know how you feel. So a "letting her down gently" type conversation will achieve nothing. Eventually her feelings will pass but it could take a while.

My advice is ignore it generally and if she says anything romantic make a joke of it and keep the tone totally light. Try to avoid situations with her that could be difficult.

totallybewildered Sat 06-Jun-15 09:55:20

thank you selfloathing. That make sense.

Springtimemama Sat 06-Jun-15 09:57:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

totallybewildered Sat 06-Jun-15 09:59:26

I don't know. i don't think so. it is a new question. I do love her.

Springtimemama Sat 06-Jun-15 09:59:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Springtimemama Sat 06-Jun-15 10:00:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

totallybewildered Sat 06-Jun-15 10:01:40

I am used to hugs and things, and I have started to avoid that, but I do miss it. I don't think I can fancy her. But I do miss the physical contact. and I am quite embarrassed when I am alone with her now. We have been close for many years. She is happily married ( she has always said she is) with three children.

MissMarplesBloomers Sat 06-Jun-15 10:03:29

Are there partners on either side to complicate the issue? Are either of you out as gay which may or may not be being misinterpreted?

totallybewildered Sat 06-Jun-15 10:06:43

well, i don't think a relationship is an option, I can't imagine it. I am used to physical affection from her, and that means a lot to me, more than I realised now I miss it! But not sexual contact, I don't have any feelings about wanting that.

I'm just sad and upset, and confused and embarrassed about the whole thing. Losing our friendship makes me cry. But taking it further would be unnatural for me, and wrong for her marriage. I feel lost. I don't know what I feel.

Maybe if she wan't married and it was what she wanted i might think about it, but even if I agreed, i can't see that I would ever go through with it.

I'm not explaining myself well. Maybe my feelings are not quite platonic, but they very nearly are. Does that make any sense? And she is a very big part of my life,

Albadross Sat 06-Jun-15 10:07:11

My first love was my best female friend. We were both besotted but it was never clear whether it was just me who felt it in a romantic sense. I'm still not really sure whether I'd have wanted anything beyond the level of intimacy we actually had (i.e. beyond hugging and holding hands etc). I got past it eventually and we're still friends now 20 years on. It happened again with another friend and it definitely felt more sexual that time, but again nothing ever happened and I got past it. It's happened with male friends too - some who were gay so it was never an option. Maybe I'm just confused!

totallybewildered Sat 06-Jun-15 10:07:18

no, we are both straight, and she is married.

totallybewildered Sat 06-Jun-15 10:11:17

Albadross. That is really interesting. I have been wondering if this just happens all the time, and maybe there are lots of female friendships which are sort of romantic, but not sexual. Does that make sense? Maybe we can just stay friends and the intensity on her side will wear off again, and we will be back to normal.

I think intensity is the right word. I love her dearly, and she means the world to me, but the intensity she is showing at the moment towadrs me is upsetting and unpredictable.

I'm speaking totally openly here, which I would never do in RL

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Sat 06-Jun-15 19:31:21

I said on here once that love is an ocean in which we swim. Deep platonic feelings are like a calm day off, say, Dubrovnik. The other stuff is more like good surf at Fistral. Bigger wins, more pain.

Easier for men, I think. My best mate at Uni once said to me "fancy a shag?". When I demurred he said "Jolly good, neither do I".

gelwax Sat 06-Jun-15 20:32:12

I've had a very romantic female friendship. We were basically partners, but just never actually slept together. It happens. If she's married, though, then that complicates things… My advice has to be the same as it would if you were posting about a married man: don't let some fuzzy/confused feelings lead to you being an OW a few months down the line. That way, someone's going to get hurt. You for sure, maybe others. Hope you manage to resolve it.

totallybewildered Sat 06-Jun-15 22:06:00

Yes, I think it is quite clear the friendship will remain platonic. That has become even clearer writing it out on here, and reading responses. I think these posts have been very helpful. I'm going to try steer the friendship back into calmer waters, but not by saying anything openly. Thank you everyone for your input. It sounds like this sort of thing does happen from time to time in female friendships.

totallybewildered Sat 13-Jun-15 00:38:03

well she did suddenly say she is "in love with" me, and I didn't react very well, even though I thought I had thought it through and planned how I would react if she said anything.

sad

Now we are both upset.

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