Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ALL the romance has gone since we moved in together. Normal?(44 Posts)
DP and I have been together for almost 5 years - getting married soon. We only started living together late last year.
Before we moved in, he was the world's most romantic man: texts, emails, calls every day. Since we've moved in: nothing. He is very helpful and kind, but all the mushy stuff has stopped.
As our wedding is fast approaching, I'm getting worried. I'm the type of
needy person who needs a bit of attention from their partner or I turn into a grumpy PITA.
Is it normal for the romance to tail off when you shack up? It's just I'm scared of marrying a roommate. Is there anything I can do to inject a bit of the spark back, or kick-start his interest? Or should I accept this?
When I typed "kick-start his interest", I died a bit inside.
Have you talked to him about it?
He doesn't need to text, call or email every day anymore because he sees you everyday. It's better to see him than receive a text from him surely?! You've said yourself you're quite needy but you can't expect him to do all that an live with you and talk to you at home there's only so much you have to say to each other surely. Talk to him and tell him you miss some of the mushy stuff, ask him why he doesn't bring you flowers anymore etc...
But trust me I've been with my husband for 20 years (19 of them living together, 8 of them as married), your relationship will change and evolve, if he's a good one then mushy texts aren't a requirement.
Blue -- yes I have, a couple of times. Nothing changed. :-) He said what FlightOfficer said -- if he's seeing me in the evening, why text?!
I think I'm pre-menstrual and need to calm down.
The texting and calling thing is understandable. DP and I never text unless we have something specific to say because we see each other every day. But when we are at home he is very affectionate and loving which is the main thing.
Relationships change and evolve what you feel you 'lose' in one thing you'll 'gain' in another. But you must talk, if this upsets you, then talk to him. But I wouldn't get upset by a lack of mushy texts. I'd rather talk to my DH than receive a text from him.
If you aren't happy, don't marry him.
Just check with yourself. Are you happy, with him as he is?
Moving in together and planning your wedding should be one of the most romantic times of your life. The relationship changes because you are living together but you should still be feeling the romance.
You wedding is soon approaching so perhaps it's a case of last minute nerves of perhaps it's something else? Only you know that, but it's worth considering.
My DP and I found similar, we used to text chat for hours before we moved in - it took a while of me feeling neglected before I realised I was being a princess. As soon as he's away from home for a night he's texting lots in the day again.
DH and I don't text lots- both too busy through the day usually. Now I am on ML, I send him the odd photo of DS doing something cute or funny but that's about it.
If we are apart we text lots and phone lots.
But at home we talk all the time and are very affectionate and loving. Been married almost 6 years and our relationship has changed but we have grown with it.
There's obviously no need to be contacting you constantly if you're living together so I wouldn't see that as a lack of interest at all, just a change in circumstances. There are other ways to be mushy though, so you shouldn't be feeling starved of romance, really.
I don't think you're being unreasonable. Yes, the texts will calm down when you live together but no romance at all? I couldn't live like that.
I think you need to spell out to him what you need (because it sound like, for you, it is a need). And then decide what you are willing to settle with.
There is a book called the five languages of love, or something like that. The theory being that people show their love in different ways - some people will make romantic gestures, some will do things for you, others will say it out loud. The point being, you need to know how your partner feels most loved, and do it.
Don't sweep it under the carpet. If it's niggling now, it will probably get worse.
Living together changes the dynamic and therefore you should talk expectations with him. To expect to recieve daily calls, texts and emails when living with someone does sound OTT, can you give other examples of a change in 'romantic' behaviour? What is your definition of romance and how does it compare to his, especially given the recent change in circumstances?
What do you mean by 'all the mushy stuff has gone'?
Tbh that worries me. If it's just texts and calls I'd expect that to cool but if 'all' romance has gone whilst that's normal for many marriages, it's not for us.
Don't forget, you have a part to play in this too. Both DH and I drop the occasional text during the day and we make it clear we both very much look forward to the evenings together and don't take that for granted, probably because he's done such long and unpredictable hours in the past.
We go out together, hold hands, hug, and smile at each other often and really feel connected. Mushy stuff if you want to call it that.
You'll have had your own ways of demonstrating and expressing your appreciation of one another, what else apart from the understandable drop in calls and texts has gone?
Living in together can definitely put the dampener on spontaneous romance! I remember with an ex who I lived with, things were getting a bit stale in the bedroom department, so I decked myself out in the usual cliché of sexy underwear and laid myself provocatively on the sofa awaiting his return from the pub. He did return, but with two mates and a six pack of beers in tow. Needless to say, I spent the rest of the night sulking in our bedroom - alone!
On a more serious note, yes, things do change but that doesn't mean the romance should go. Only you can know how serious it is. I'm sensing that the lack of him making an effort is really getting to you the most. Why not try for some fun date nights? I know it sounds naff, but it occurred to me and DH fairly soon into moving in with each other that this was something we needed to, given our busy schedules and need for space (we'd both been living alone for quite a while before I moved into his flat so it was a big adjustment - never underestimate that). So we set aside at least two evenings a week for each other - even if it was just watching TV and holding hands. Also good for ensuring sex happened - because yup, that's another thing that can disappear, despite your closer proximity to each other!
I'm hoping that this is just a glitchy time as you both get used to the change - after all, your relationship has been on a different footing for 5 years, that's quite an adjustment to be made.
You are right to be upset about this, not menstrual at all and this is coming from someone very easy going. My DP is still as mushy as he was 7 years ago, texts cute stuff during breaks at work. I don't ask for this, he just likes it. It's strange it's stopped so suddenly, as if he feels he 'has you' now? It's not like he has to make a big effort to get back to how he was, he did it for years!
We are together 23/7 ( bathroom times are private lol) and have been together 7 years next month and we are getting married soon as well. He moved in 3.5 years ago.
Yes, I do miss the heady days when he was working and we would only see each other three times a week. We'd both come out of extremely troubled times and were like a breath of fresh air to each other and they are lovely, lovely fond memories.
So yes the romance has gone because are lives are so meshed together but what we've got is stability and love that will last a lifetime.
I'd rather have him here than not so maybe in a different situation to you Wgoe also maybe at a different life stage as we are pensioners.
My cousin is dating again after losing her husband and she is thesame age as iwas when I began dating soon to be hubby. Shes laughing, giggling and light headed and I'm sure I was like that...and I filed that feeling under 'pang' along with other memories of our courtship
( And I'm hoping and praying this relationship will go the distance but that's for another thread).
It is only too easy to put romance on a back burner when you are together so maybe I should make a bit of effort and light some candles when we eat or get him a surprise present. He shows his love by making life as easy as he can for me, especially on my poorly days . It's always something to keep reminding ourselves about though isn't it. What can I do for my oh that will give a lift to their day?
Perhaps you could say, do you remember when you used to do so and so....I used to love that.
Maybe you are in wedding run down stress. I had a big row with my exh a week before our wedding....now the romance really died in that marriage and a welter of child care stress didn't help.
Try a little surprise for him and see if it's reciprocated or appreciated.
I do feel though that the heady days of romance settles down to a deep respect and caring for one another and making sure that you don't wittingly hurt your SO. I'd choose that over romance every day.
Don't know if I've been very helpful here.
We're getting married in THREE WEEKS. I don't know if I'd ever have the guts to call it off!
I guess it should be a romantic time... But it's not. I wrote a thread a few months ago asking if it was normal for men not to seem that interested in planning the wedding.
FFS, why is he marrying me if he's not that bothered?
I don't know if I would call it romantic 3 weeks before our wedding we moved house and the reality of all the planning definitely set in. Stressed would probably be the right word.
I think romance changes, especially living together it takes effort not to get bogged down in domestic life. Has he rejected your attempts to be romantic? Are you still making romantic gestures? Or has he just got slightly lazy in thinking you should know how he feels?
Awww heck! In my experience it's the women who mainly do the planning withsome agree ent from the man.
Surely your wedding should be all planned by now if you get married in 3 weeks...or are you saying it isn't?
Time to have chat I think and communicate your concerns.
Good luck ;-)
How about getting a piece of paper and writing one column...what's good about the relationship and the other side what isn't.
Sometimes writing things down helps us to see things more clearly.
I'd rather have a good solid man who'll stand shoulder to shoulder with me through thick and thin ( and still has a twinkle in his eye) than the romantic charmer who brings flowers, chocs and loving/ sexy txts but whose down the pub most nights/ out with his mates/ or married to his hobby.
If he's none of the above then hopefully a chat might resolve things. He might be feeling the stress too.
Join the discussion
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.