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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Can I please talk about my ILs? Feeling angry.

31 replies

heylilbunny · 05/06/2015 21:26

DH'S family are basically a good bunch who mean well. They are from a different country/culture. We are moving back to their nation next week and I just got .a call from SIL (who hardly ever calls me although she speaks to DH a few times a week). After a cursory "how are you?" she told me when we move back she and FIL want me to fly my three kids to stay with them for a week. I said "that is never gonna happen" and then she quickly said "oh well you can come too of course" gee, thanks. She then went on to say she and her dad want to come and see us - she basically was telling rather than asking. We are just about to make a huge move and I want to focus on making our new house a home and enjoy the time with the kids.

I think I am furious because it always feels like they operate from what they want and never ask if it is something I, DH or the kids want. It also reminds me of when FIL and wife decided to come and stay at our new house two weeks after we moved in when everything was still in boxes.

I am very happy for our kids to have a good and loving relationship with their extended family but I feel like I am treated as an afterthought.

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Optimist1 · 05/06/2015 21:31

Sounds as though you've got a lot on your plate at the moment, OP, but your "never gonna happen" response to your SIL was rude.

heylilbunny · 05/06/2015 21:32

I was quite proud of myself because usually I am very polite and that doesn't seem to work AT ALL.

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ALaughAMinute · 05/06/2015 21:35

You say they are basically a good bunch who mean well so perhaps it's just a cultural thing?

mrstweefromtweesville · 05/06/2015 21:39

You might be in deep water, I think.

If the cultural approach in the country you are moving to is such that FIL and his minions can demand anything they want, and your DH was raised that way, you might have trouble resisting. You will be the 'different' one.

Have plan b at the ready. What's your escape route if this goes pear-shaped? Could you get your children out? If not, what then?

heylilbunny · 05/06/2015 21:41

Could be but I'm tired of it after 19 years. My FIL ignored me for about the first 5 to the point of deliberately leaving me out of photos to the point that our kids looked like they had no mother.

Turns out DH already told them we are not putting the kids on a plane and so she called me out of desperation I suppose.

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ALaughAMinute · 05/06/2015 21:41

What country are you moving to?

Botanicbaby · 05/06/2015 21:43

You've said that your DH's family are basically a good bunch who mean well. Perhaps the invitation to fly her nieces/nephews to them was meant as a kind gesture? Also wondered if her and FIL wanting to come and visit so soon sounds like they are eager and excited to see you all back in their country again.

I do get that you want your space and would prefer to be able to settle in first before they visit. Think you could have worded it better though rather than saying never gonna happen...

heylilbunny · 05/06/2015 21:43

I'd rather not say but it's not in the middle east!

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ComfySensibleShoes · 05/06/2015 21:43

Crikey, if they are pressurising you now it could escalate very quickly once you move to their home country and you are, in a sense, the outsider. I would heed the words of mrstweefromtweesville

heylilbunny · 05/06/2015 21:45

I know that I'm sure they are excited to see us but that is the point they will always land on us because of their own desires. In case you think I am a horror my MIL came to stay with us for 6 weeks and we had a great time. I also had SIL come with her kids for 5 weeks.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/06/2015 21:45

Let your DH deal with his family of origin.

They've never really respected you or their son for that matter have they?.

They do not come across as being a good bunch that mean well, why did you write that at all?. Is that really your idealised image rather than the reality?.

It is not right that you are being treated as an afterthought by his family and your children do pick up on this as well. It does them no favours for them to see you their mother be so disrespected by their dad's sister and their grandparents.

heylilbunny · 05/06/2015 21:49

Well luckily I am a tough old broad and don't take disrespect from anyone least of all my kids. My kids are unaware of how I feel, we have been away from PILs nation for 6 years. Now instead of thousands of miles away it will be about 800.

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Botanicbaby · 05/06/2015 21:49

oof just read your latest posts OP. I think you are a saint for having them for a 6 week and a 5 week stay! I couldn't cope with that.

I would say start as you mean to go on but after 19 years its likely they've just got used to things being the way you are so yes you need to assert your boundaries, better late than never. Good luck!

heylilbunny · 05/06/2015 21:52

They basically are good and kind people they raised my lovely DH. The don't communicate well however and I think I was quite passive with them early in my marriage out of British politeness maybe I am just getting too old now

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/06/2015 21:53

"Well luckily I am a tough old broad and don't take disrespect from anyone least of all my kids"

I have no doubt of that but what his family do and say to you still has a sting in the tail. Its about what they want, your feelings are disregarded as unimportant. Your children have likely noticed things have been somewhat amiss between their grandparents and you; they do pick up on vibes. They probably saw the photos without you in it.

I would remain some 800 miles away from them, you need to maintain physical as well as mental distance from his family.

heylilbunny · 05/06/2015 21:55

I think I am a running out of patience and willing to let them think what they want about me to put some boundaries in place as Botanic said so well.

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heylilbunny · 05/06/2015 21:56

Thanks Meerkat x-posted.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/06/2015 21:58

They raised your DH granted but he is the person he is inspite of them, not just because of them.

His family of origin do seem to come across as very direct so it was no real surprise really that you said, "that is never gonna happen" to them. They probably were not expecting that at all, they thought you were going to fall into line with their wishes yet again. Again you were the afterthought here.

heylilbunny · 05/06/2015 21:59

I know it was naughty of me to say it, but it gave me quite a thrill!

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/06/2015 22:04

Good, keep reasserting yourself. You are an integral part of your family's life.

If your ILs cannot or will not behave I would keep them at arms length in any case.

What does your DH think of his parents and sister these days?.

heylilbunny · 05/06/2015 22:05

I was dreading my MIL's 6 week visit but it went really well and I enjoyed it. We got to know each other a lot better. They all love staying with us so I can't be as bad as I sound.

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heylilbunny · 05/06/2015 22:10

I am starting to think that my DH may have an unusual relationship with his family. His parents went through a pretty ugly divorce just before we got together. They all depend on him alot, he talks to his mum and sis almost daily. His sister's marriage broke up about 6 months after we left their country originally.

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heylilbunny · 05/06/2015 22:13

It is a bit strange that I am outside "the Circle of Trust" isn't it? I know ex-BIL definitely felt that way. When they broke up everyone felt free to say how they had never liked him! I liked him.

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viva100 · 05/06/2015 22:16

Could be a cultural thing though. I'm not originally from the UK and in my home country (European), relatives (nieces, cousins, in-laws, people you met once when you were 6 etc) only give you a call to let you know they're coming over. Period. And if I wanna come over I just let them know and they will bend over backwards to accommodate me. It's just the way it works, no one is being overbearing. So maybe you need to start being a bit more understanding, especially if you're moving over there.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/06/2015 22:19

His mother and sister likely do see your H as the Head of the Household and rely on him emotionally particularly as they now have no husband.

Hmm, its seems that everyone not in the "Clan" is seen as an outsider to them. You will never be admitted into their inner circle.

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