Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Feeling sad and no one I can call.(56 Posts)
I've been feeling quite sad about how things have become with me and DH for sometime. Things really became strained after kids arrived and we constantly seem to be falling out and making up.
However it's all really begun take a drain on me. I feel very alone, my family aren't supportive and I don't have many close friends. I'm sure on the outside no one knows that, but I am quite optimistic in general so tend not to tell people how I feel.
Anyway he asked me last week if a night was clear for him to meet with friends, checking I'd not made plans etc. I thought was okay and he made plans. Today I realised I'd completely forgotten about a work thing that evening.
He reacted so angrily, swearing etc. I explained I was sorry for the mistake but mistakes happen etc. He now isn't speaking to me, won't discuss anything, sleeping in a different room and just giving me the silent treatment.
I'm sure the kids pick up on this and it makes me so sad. I want to try and get us back, but I'm just so scared he doesn't care about me now or that there is so much resentment and tit for tat that we've blown it. He criticises me a lot, tells me sometimes that I'm a difficult person etc. then denies it later or says he was joking.
He hasn't told me I look nice for months, we haven't been physical for months and I can't even seem to initiate communication now. When I've suggested we've issues he tells me that's not true when I a good mood, at his worst mood told me he was only with me because of the children. I don't know what to believe. He's sometimes so kind and lovely, then other times hurtful. Or am I expecting too much?
I don't know what to do, I feel very scared and sick with worry and sadness.
Oh flower, it sounds like you are really lonely in your marriage. Can you find someone to mind the kids and have an evening out?
I've no one to go out with. I also feel that I must come across as needy and am not very interesting. I doubt firendships and feel that eventually people will go off me. I feel inferior in most situations and beta myself up after social events after making a fool of myself- again all in my head but that's how I rationalise why my family and no friends keep in touch.
Thank you for getting back to me, just knowing that there's a person who has reached out means an awful lot me just now.
There are lots of us here..... I hope things pick up for you soon. How old are your DCs?
I'm here. No real advice as I think every relationship is different and we have to find our own limits/boundaries, but I am good at listening
Oh hell, that's hard work. I had just over a year between my first two and I can hardly remember anything apart from tiredness and borderline depression/isolation from everyone. The kids will grow older, and you will reclaim your own space. Do you and DH work?
Can I just clarify, when I say limits/boundaries, I do NOT think it is acceptable for him to criticise you in any way or be hurtful.
It's so hard when someone just locks down and won't communicate. After he said that thing about only being with me because of the kids, that's what I always go back to in my mind.
He's since said he didn't mean it, but how can someone say something like that and no mean it. I feel that whatever happens, once the kids leave home we'll crumble.
I've supported him so much, though I'm nev allowed to mention that as that creates tension. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. When he looks at me I feel like a horrible version of myself.
Both under 5.
It's so hard at that age.
Your husband over reacted there, has taken/is taking stuff out on you.
Have you tried saying 'do not speak to meike that again' or similar? Trying to out a boundary.
We both work FT. I have quite a high pressure job and manage a team, I'm also main earner in the family
I've tried the 'don't speak to me like that' and am usually told that I asked for it, I'm impossible or I give as good as i get. I have for sometime made a deliberate effort not to hit out back. So as far as giving as good as I get, that's not true.
I've bee so hurt in recent times that I can't cope with the angry one minut, happy and all normal the next. So he accuses me of being moody, I just think though, why go with the high, knowing that the next day I will be told I've done something wrong and made to apologise/given silent treatment etc. he also sometimes denies calling me names etc, only after I leave it and then revisit will he admit he said those things.
I think you should be proud of yourself for what you have achieved. 2 dc under 5 and working full time in a high pressure job is no mean feat. It's terrible that dh is treating you so badly. What do you feel is the best option Maugrim?
I want to work it out. I want my children to have dad there, I didn't and it was not good.
A lot of it is down to his dissatisfaction with his career, sleep deprivation and a loss of intimacy. We also take each other for granted, as many parents who fall into this bad trap. It's just the personal comments, the silent treatment/not talking and his constant reprimanding that I find hard. I feel anxious about ever making a mistake. I worry about that for the kids too. I encourage mistakes as healthy development, life!
I think it's wrong that you should have to walk on eggshells to try to avoid upsetting him. It's tough that he is dissatisfied with his career, but you must also be feeling the same about lack of sleep. It's unfair taking this out on you. I imagine it's hard to be intimate with all that's going on but many relationships can weather this if they're communicating with each other.
Do you think he may be jealous of you being the man earner if he is not happy at work? This in no way justifies how he is behaving towards you.
Loss of sleep has been used as torture, and I can quite understand why as DD wasn't a sleeper and I felt positively murderous periodically. My DH and I would compete about who was the most tired! Does your DH come from a traditional family where the man is supposed to earn more/provide ? Might he feel worried about you being the main breadwinner?
I also have to say that I would never tolerate being reprimanded. I think you are wrong to believe that you're making mistakes. Life is a learning experience. None of us are born knowing exactly what to do in every situation are we?
Yes, I think he feels insecure about the earnings thing. However due to the nature of what he does that was always the case. It's just in this financial climate things have taken a turn for the worse. So he's working with no income, don't want to give too much detail as I might be recognised.
In past I've suggested that maybe dropping a day to reduce childcare costs might be a plan b for us, he gets very angry and tells me I'm not supporting his ventures. When kids are sick he makes me feel guilty and tallies up how often he has done it compared to me, yet we agreed given salary situation this would be the best approach- if my job was at risk we'd be in a huge financial mess. I should add to date, it's been 50/50 on the sick over, but because we had the conversation that he might need to do more overall he somehow thinks that's what is happening.
His parents also sometimes give him a lecture about having to review his work situation. I just stay silent when he reports back, he is hyper sensitive. His parents are quite distant, through helpful so I could never speak to them about anything, it would also be a huge insult to him.
Our children have never been sleepers, even now as toddlers they are up through the night and sleeping until 6am is a lie in. Most mornings the day starts at 5am and we are in bed at 9pm, often sleeping separately. He used to g so angry that I went to bed early, it was all I could do to cope with the working week. Now he goes early too. If I ever want to try and speak in the evenings, he asks why I want to go to bed early and when he does I want to talk, he then shuts down.
It all sounds so hard for you. I'm not an advocate of saying LTB but you need to tell him how you are feeling. Do you have an option of getting a babysitter and going out for the evening? Do you think he would be prepared to listen to you and take what you say seriously?
Sorry for my ignorance, what does LTB mean?
I've suggested going out, but he always avoids commuting tour, changes the subject or says he doesn't want to go out to be nagged at.
Sorry Maugrim It means Leave the bastard. You see it on almost every thread in relationships
I'm new to this chat forum, only posted in home and fashion ages ago.
I read some other threads and thought I'd have a go at a post, so not up on the acronyms!
I feel a little better for posting and getting what is in my head down, rather than lying alone in my bed and crying like I've done for the last couple of years!
I don't want to leave him, underneath it, he is a lovely man. It's just like we've hit this huge bump in the road.c his way of dealing with stree etc seems to be to tighten his control instinct.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.