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Resent DH/ pnd(7 Posts)
LO is 12 weeks old, i have been diagnosed with Pnd/anxiety and PTSD 3 weeks ago, had a horrific first 10 weeks, bf, infections - the lot - on AD and things are really improving. However, i feel so much resentment towards DH, i feel like he has failed me and cannot speak to him as he just flips. He is not a bad man, but he is selfish and lets me do everything, he didnt recognise that i was really ill even though the signs were there. I wasnt 100% honest with him about what was going through my head to be fair, but i cried constantly and couldnt sleep and told him about all the paranoia/anxiety/frustration and that i didnt feel right - he just gave me a hard time by saying i needed to sleep, stop dwelling, and to chill out and keep calm....so i sought help on my own and when i told him he said 'you hid your pnd well' he had 3 weeks pat leave, 2 of which he sat on his laptop doing a hobby project 24/7 - when i asked him to support me a bit more he flipped and threw his toys out of the pram. He also golfs a lot, i asked him not to go every weekend sat and sun, he threw it back in my face and said 'might aswell sell my clubs then' so now he goes on a sat only, but its 5 hours a time, yet he complains LO doesnt know him (he also works ft) his inlaws are a massive problem and caused me a lot of stress, MIL was horrid to me when LO was a day old in hosp, tried to poke her to wake her and made fun of my stomach, teased me about taking baby away - i was so vunerable after csection and first baby that it contributed to my pnd, how i wish i had the energy to rip the woman to shreds but my time will come! She is also unsupportive of bf. DH was there at the time and said nothing...i hate him for it, he doesnt have a voice when it comes to his family - but he shouldve protected me at my most vunerable. So now i cant even go for a shower without worrying MIL is going to come round and he lets her in and...yada yada. I know he wouldnt let harm come to LO, but i see MIL as a threat - he just cant understand. So now i just feel so much resentment and feel like i am drifting away from him. Is it the pnd? Has he been a selfish prick?? Sometimes i have even thought of leaving but cant bare the thought of sharing LO with his evil family, i want my feelings for DH back but has this gone forever? I also do all the chores, he does the odd food shop inbetween golf and work - AIBU to think he should be feeling that he needs to support me more? Especially as i am unwell? He also doesnt ask how i am, gp asked if he has commented on my mood change (she saw a huge difference) but i dont think he notices anything.
He sounds like a total prick. Does he ever look after the baby on his own?
He sounds like a total prick. You poor thing.
Concentrate on you and the baby right now. Do you have anyone who can come to stay it visit regularly to help ? You need support.
Once you're over the birth and settled down more into a routine, I think it's worth reassessing if this man actually brings you anything positive at all. Him and his vile mil sound better out of your lives if you ask me.
Effectively you've got 2 infants in your life - pfb and a manchild who's still attached to his mummy's boob.
As he's never going to 'feel' he needs to support you more, you're best advised to sit him down and ask him to come up with a plan whereby there is a more equitable division of chores and the amount of time you each have to pursue your own interests.
With regsrd to him letting his dm into your shared home while you're in the shower, presumably you'd open the door to your friends/family members if they came by while he was in the tub?
However, if her visits are excessive and she frequently arrives unannounced without prior warning, you should determine what you feel comfortable with and discuss your feelings with your dh.
The arrival of pfb may have shone a spotlight on the flaws in your relationship with your dh, but it's down to the pair of you to become the best dps you can be regardless of whether you stay together or divorce.
A partnership is all about finding what works for you as a couple and being happy with those choices.
When you are not happy and your partner will not listen or change or has an argument about it then you have to ask yourself serious questions about whether you are with the right person.
I think the least I'd want from my partner is that they want to / prefer spending time with me and our children rather than pursuing their online 'hobby' or playing golf to such an extent that their own child 'doesn't know them'.
And if I was ill for whatever reason I'd hope they would be doing everything they could to help and support me through it! As I would for them.
Having your first baby is hard enough without thoughtless comments from idiots like your MIL - but if your husband had put her in her place / told her to butt out / put her straight then I am sure his support for you would have built an armour around you that would have allowed her comments to bounce right off you.
I hope you feel better soon and find solace and comfort in enjoying your new baby, whatever you choose to do about your husband!
Neptune, I'm so sorry that you're suffering with PND and a difficult, childish DH!!! Congratulations on the birth of your beautiful little girl, though! Sounds like you had a tough time getting her here. I have a nine month old PFB and I just want to say that babycare DOES get easier! But the first few weeks are really day-by-day survival... Well done you for BF'ing LO; I have had mastitis and nearly gave up but we are still going strong! It's not easy but it is so incredibly beneficial for your baby. You sound like a great mum, and you recognized your PND and got help, which is a big, huge step to take... You have been so brave! Now, as for that DH of yours... Wow, he is really not supporting you and your baby. My DH has been away a LOT (starting a new business) so you have my sympathy. Is there anyone in RL you can call when you're lonely and overwhelmed? I started calling my mum, every day about the same time, just quickly for a check-in to let off pressure and get a verbal hug when I was caring for baby alone. She was my cheerleader! I think you need to sit your DH down and tell him that his lack of involvement is not acceptable. He needs to commit to certain tasks to help you manage. How about taking care of at least 80 percent of nappy changes on weekends and evenings when he's home and she is awake? He ought to take baby while you shower...and learn how to play with her/keep her entertained. Tell him very specifically what you need. I had to tell my DH; he still forgets sometimes but he is better than he was! You need to set some boundaries with that MIL of yours, too... He ought to help but he probably doesn't understand how vulnerable you feel. Big hugs! You can do this... You are still recovering but you sound very strong and capable.
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