Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Feeling so scared after separation does it get better?

(13 Posts)
Soscaredaboutitall Thu 04-Jun-15 21:53:09

I am separated from my husband with a toddler . The relationship dissolved as soon as I found out I was pregnant. Devastation does not cover how I felt. I am a single mum and do the best I can. I love my child but sometimes can't shake the feeling that I will never have the life I always wanted. The home, husband and children. I feel completely lost and trapped and sometimes feel that I could've made a clean break if I didn't get pregnant. Im also so sad that the life I wanted for my child is not there, just feel heartbroken when I go out and see happy families together. I now don't really like going out. I avoid people so I can avoid having to explain my situation.

I know the best thing to do is to go out and meet people and move on with life but having a small child makes that impossible to do. I would like to meet someone one day but feel like it's too late for me. I have quite bad self esteem following my relationship and can't see anyone wanting to be with me especially now I have a child.

I feel that life is passing me by and will always pass me by. I feel like I'm dying a little bit each day. I put on a brave face but I'm anxious about the future.

Does anyone have any advice/experience of being in this situation? Any response at all would be appreciated.

lillybee1 Thu 04-Jun-15 22:02:11

I know exactly how you feel because I'm going through the same thing, separation with a toddler. The only thing I can say is I'm starting to feel a tini tiny bit better about things and a few months ago didn't think that was possible at all. Want to PM me? Can go through it together if you want. Hugs xx

mrstweefromtweesville Thu 04-Jun-15 22:04:27

Did someone post 'comparison is the thief of joy' on MN recently? Its true.

I have been where you are. My daughter was four, I had a divorce underway, my stbx-husband's employers (who held the mortgage on my house) were trying to evict me, I had no job, I was scared stiff....

And now its almost 30 years later. Ex is dead (not my doing). Daughter is married to a kind man and has a baby. Along the way I bought a house, took a degree, had a teaching job for 21 years and so on.

If I'd compared the lives daughter and I had with what my dreams for her childhood were, I'd have been miserable throughout. I won't lie - sometimes I was thoroughly miserable!

Get some counselling. If you're feeling resentful of your child, it will come out somehow. Better to air it with a counsellor than to let the innocent child know.

You are going to have a life. So will your child. Be ready to enjoy it. Good luck.

PamDooveOrangeJoof Thu 04-Jun-15 22:10:54

Excellent advice from mrstwee.

Get some counselling and help with your self esteem first.

We only get one life and you have as much right to enjoy yours as anyone else.

Soscaredaboutitall Thu 04-Jun-15 22:14:57

Thanks for your responses lillybee so sorry you are going through the same thing, will PM you.

Mrstwee I completely agree that comparing your life with others doesn't bring much joy. Reading mumsnet has made me realise that sometimes relationships aren't always as they seem. I'm glad you have lived a full and accomplished life.

I did have counselling whilst pregnant but nothing since... Maybe it's something I should look into again. I don't resent my child at all, in fact she has given me purpose and joy but on a practical level I still have those thoughts. I really hope I don't unintentional mess up her life by feeling the way I do.

Onmyownwith4kids Thu 04-Jun-15 22:32:44

It will get better. I felt the same as you when my husband left. I never thought I'd be a single parent of 4 children. I thought my life was over and felt guilty my children didn't have a dad around. Life isn't what I planned but finally it's better. I'm happy, the children are too. You will get through this and find a better life. You can't control what's happened in the past but focus on what will be a much better future.

HormonalHeap Thu 04-Jun-15 23:02:59

Soscared I was in your position with 2 small children. I looked at happy families, ashamed as I am to say it, with envy. It felt as if I'd had the bubble and (false) security of marriage just taken away.

You have to be strong. There's a whole other world out there, waiting till you're ready, a world of new friendships and new experiences. I know it's not what you want now.

I now have the home, the (best) husband and my children. When I told my dd (then 6) her daddy was moving out, she cried and screamed at me to go out that night and bring another daddy home. My heart just broke then. Took me a little longer but I got there in the end. And that's what will in all probability happen to you. You just have to be open to it.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Fri 05-Jun-15 07:33:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sandgrown Fri 05-Jun-15 07:54:43

Whatyousee. Many years ago my DH left when children same age as yours. I was devastated. No home. No job. It took some time and the support of great friends but I now have own home,a decent job, have taken a degree and after kissing a few frogs I met DP. I thought my chance of a happy family life was over but I had another DS and also have step DC. I even speak to ex and OW who don't seem that happy.
It was a long hard road but I am proud of myself and I have such a close relationship with my DC because of all we went through together. We can even look back and laugh at the crappy house, donated furniture and the very cheap holidays we managed to have. Good luck to all of youflowers

QuiteLikely5 Fri 05-Jun-15 07:59:40


Do you work? Have you thought about going back to college and retraining or uni?

The government give free childcare to enable you to do this.

Don't give up, get out there. Life is for living.

Consider that your relationship broke down for a reason and that the future has something amazing waiting for you.

It truly does. Your world does not begin with that man and it won't end with that man.

Soscaredaboutitall Fri 05-Jun-15 13:12:16

Quite, yes I have a FT job and luckily a profession.

Thanks for the kind words. I hope that there is something great out there just scary not to know what that is. When you marry you kind of have a plan in your head and now their is no plan... Scary but yes I agree it's about living. Just need to be a bit more courageous about it all.
Feel like a total wimp!

Soscaredaboutitall Sat 06-Jun-15 22:39:42

Bumping, anyone else with some advice?

JessicaLuis232 Sat 03-Sep-16 07:52:11

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now