Got 'played' by a nice guy

[niceupthedance]

Feeling very stupid and more than a bit upset at the latest online dating mug-off and wondering where I went wrong?

My history with online dating has not been good. Last two men I had sex with disappeared afterwards (I don't have sex with everyone I date), so that hit me pretty hard. The first had done the three-date 'say the right things' and then disappeared, the second I slept with on the first date (so to be expected I suppose). But I was determined not to make it a hat-trick.

So met this guy, he is totally different from my usual type; respectful, feminist, quite a deep thinker sort. He came with his own problems - namely a pregnant ex from a fling, which he told me about on the second date (just after he had presented me with a book he thought I would like). I spent a while talking to him about my expectations; that I didn't want to have sex with anyone if they were not sure about continuing to date afterwards, he reassured me that he was not a "going for the goal" type chap so date three lasted all weekend and was very pleasant. (!)

After that, I was unavailable for two weekends and then had an operation. He offered to 'keep in touch', which he did, loosely, which was fine. I did notice though that if I mentioned meeting up when I was child free (eg on a weekday) he was busy, and did not offer an alternative. This pattern has continued for six weeks. I have called him on it once, he was adamant that he was 'keen' to see me still. Yet the last message, which was a reply to my asking when he was free, was him saying he had started his course and things would be full on this week and the next. So obviously I have cut my losses and wished him well.

So in summary, how can you continue to date when you can't trust your own judgment, or believe anything anyone says? I feel like whoever I choose they end up being a game playing dickhead, whatever they say. Feeling very miserable this evening.

[AnyFucker]

he told you he was a "feminist" ?

men who tell you they are feminists early doors are invariably nobheads who play that card to get you lower your knickers guard

lesson learned, there

[handfulofcottonbuds]

I spent a while talking to him about my expectations; that I didn't want to have sex with anyone if they were not sure about continuing to date afterwards, he reassured me that he was not a "going for the goal" type chap so date three lasted all weekend and was very pleasant

I'm sorry, it sounds like you were a challenge to him.

Hold your cards close to your chest, most women don't want to have sex without the chance of further dates so I wouldn't say that as it boosts their ego and puts them in control.

TBH, would you want to date a man long term who had a pregnant ex from a 'fling'? I think you dodged a bullet there.

I'm sorry you've had rubbish experiences but try to stay positive.

[Willow33]

Ok this may sound unpopular on MN but reading The Rules gave me some boundaries. It may seem old fashioned but there is a lot about not being too available. The reality is that men need a bit of a chase. It may not be feminist and may get flamed but trust me, it works.

[MadeMan]

I agree with AF there. I'll happily give women the thumbs up, but I don't think I'd describe myself as a feminist; it smacks of trying too hard to get into the knickers good books.

[niceupthedance]

But willow, when I have done the whole 'chase me' thing I have still got the same results (just takes longer). Maybe it's just me.

[QueenMas]

Always unavailable on weekdays - my first thought is that maybe the "ex" isn't actually an ex.

I agree that you've dodged a bullet, don't get too disheartened.

[Sammasati]

Op I wonder if a fwb may be an idea, someone to have sex with but not date, leaving you to date without sex with other men (dates)? This way you can take your time in building up friendships first whilst your sexual needs are being met.

This man should have told you straight that he wasn't interested in you romantically and have the bottle to bring things to an end properly, although to be fair from your op I get the sense that you maybe a little prone to seeing (wishing for) hearts and flowers where maybe there was none.

Od is better I think if emotional energy is put on hold for a little while and it is treated with a respectful and fun outlook. Very few people that you are likely to meet will fulfil your ideal as 'the one'.

You may have to kiss a whole pond of frogs before you find a man that you wish to share your life (time) with.

It does happen though op, many people have found love over the interweb, just make sure that your bar is raised nice and high and don't compromise with things that mean something to you, your core beliefs and what/who it is that you wish for in your life.

and to you

[Mintyy]

No advice, sorry, but I do feel so so sorry for people embroiled in this world of internet dating .

As with absolutely everything else in life, too much choice does not = better.

My life is not enhanced by having 300+ television channels or a whole aisle devoted to crisps in my local Sainsburys. And I have whinged and moaned repeatedly about the difficulty of finding a holiday with the zillions of websites to browse.

Same with internet dating. Everyone feels there might just be "something better" out there. Awful.

[britneyspearscatsuit]

I personally think you being apart for three weeks like that probably means he met someone else.

In my opinion and experience the problem with online dating is that it's so shallow in nature...there's not really much time to get to know each other before the "first date" so it;s hard for you to get across who you are or develop and inherent value in each other as individuals.

I've successfully dated three men for a fair while off online dating and in all three cases they basically moved in with me from date one and got off the site right away.

All the men who carried on window shopping ended up being much like yours - players - but it's kid in a candy shop syndrome.

I'd wait at least 6 or 7 dates before having sex, just because it's too intimate to share with a stranger who might well disappear!

[TokenGinger]

I haven't read the responses OP, so apologies if this has been said already.

When I was online dating, I was dating quite a bit. Meeting new people etc. I didn't have sex with them, for the record, I'm just giving you some background.

If I'd been on a date with someone and they were then unavailable for 3 weeks, due to many other bad previous experiences, I'd just see that as an excuse and guess they didn't want to see me again. In light of that, I imagine he's probably met somebody else offline and it's going ok with them which is why he isn't chasing you for another date.

[Willow33]

Er...Sammasati -A f buddy sounds like a terrible idea - someone to sleep with ( maybe use) and not get emotionally involved with!
With Internet dating know a lot of guys are cruising. So I had a four emails and if they don't ask for my no, I bail.
You need to bring the ball into your side of the court.
I operated on a let them email me if they are interested rule and let them ask me out.
You are fabulous and busy...not always available!

[shirleybasseyslovechild]

I don't think you were played. I think he wasn't that into you.
onward and upward! good luck

[Penguinsaresmall]

God I wish the world would drop the whole idea of not 'letting' a man have sex on the first date because he'll drop you after you DTD. It's bollocks, truly.

There are men out there just looking for sex; there are men looking for a relationship. There are genuine good ones and some right arseholes. But how long you wait before having sex has bugger all to do with it.

A woman should have sex when she wants to. If the man likes her enough, he'll want to see her again. If he doesn't he won't, whether it's after the first date or the tenth. And if he truly is narrow minded enough to judge her for sleeping with him 'too soon' then he can fuck right off - who was want to try and manoevre somebody like that into a relationship anyway?

I know plenty of people me included who slept with their long term partner or husband on a first date. Because it's irrelevant.

[Penguinsaresmall]

Exactly shirley. Doesn't mean he's a player or an arse. Just that he doesn't want to take things any further. When somebody likes you enough, they won't leave you wondering.

[handfulofcottonbuds]

A woman should have sex when she wants to. If the man likes her enough, he'll want to see her again. If he doesn't he won't, whether it's after the first date or the tenth. And if he truly is narrow minded enough to judge her for sleeping with him 'too soon' then he can fuck right off - who was want to try and manoevre somebody like that into a relationship anyway?

^^^
This

[Trills]

So you went one a few dates, had one date that lasted all weekend, then you were not available for two weeks and after that he stopped making much of an effort to see you?

Can you explain how that is "getting played"?

If you were the man and him the woman then he could be on MN complaining about "being played" because you were immediately unavailable for 2 weeks just after you slept together.

[niceupthedance]

Thanks for the responses. Yes I think he probably met someone else he is seeing - all good, he should just inform me he is not interested in taking things further, not keep initiating conversations with me, in case it doesn't work out with his current date. That's just bad etiquette.

[niceupthedance]

Trills I had an operation booked, which he knew was happening. Not much I can do about that. Like I said, if he knew he didn't want to take it further he should have said, preferably before we had sex, in my opinion.

[Penguinsaresmall]

But op he didn't need to tell you he wasn't interested - he didn't make any attempt to see you for six weeks!

[niceupthedance]

Well I'm glad you're all so much more emotionally hardy. Well done everyone.

[BarbarianMum]

I don't think he "played" you, I think you tried each other out (which is what dating is when you get right down to it) - this time you were keener than him. Not nice but it happens.

Re: sex, I agree with the poster above. Sleep with someone when you want to, or don't if you don't.

If this particular guy has trampled on your self-esteem, block him.

[Penguinsaresmall]

op I'm sorry, we clearly have very different views on new relationships, but if being in a serious relationship before having sex is that important to you, you need to wait a lot longer than a few dates. How can anybody (including you) know somebody well enough to know that it's going to be a long term thing until at least a few months have gone by?

I honestly don't see what he did wrong. Having sex doesn't mean you've signed some kind of contract.

[Penguinsaresmall]

Sorry didn't see your last post op. And I'm genuinely sorry you're feeling shit. But I'm saying exactly what I would say to my own dd in the future. A man who really likes you will make the effort and not leave you wondering and chasing him. You deserve more than that.