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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I am interested in advice especially from men

403 replies

midlifehope · 04/06/2015 17:04

I have a problem in that I feel I am pulling the weight of 2 people in my family. I have ds aged 3 and am pregnant. I work 3-4 days a week. Ds is in nursery or with dp when I work. However I also end up doing 95% of domestic stuff. Dp doesn't work having
recently taken voluntary redundancy and bought a yacht! He has way more leisure time than me and I am feeling incredibly resentful. Howdo I get him to change. I don't want to ltb Jesuits

OP posts:

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DadDadDad · 04/06/2015 17:30

OK, you asked for men's perspective, so I'll quickly throw in one thought in passing. Hopefully, you'll get more insight from other posters...

Forgive the generalisation, but men respond to the need to solve a problem rather than feeling like they are being nagged to do a particular task. So, if you say, "with a 3 year old and a baby, we need to have a plan on how we are going to get all the housework done. The bathroom floor will need mopping once a week, and the bins need to go out on X night, etc. Any bright ideas how to organise ourselves?" (OK, so the flattery may be a bit too blatant; but if you can discuss in good humour, I assume that will be more productive).

handfulofcottonbuds · 04/06/2015 17:37

Why did you especially want advice from men?

Vivacia · 04/06/2015 17:37

I wouldn't have thought MN was the best place to seek men's opinions. Why are you more interested in a man's perspective? Not saying you're wrong, just curious.

Vivacia · 04/06/2015 17:39

DadDad the men I know don't need to be humoured into acting like parents.

And "nagged"?!

handfulofcottonbuds · 04/06/2015 17:41

I thought it was going to be about male anatomy or something, not housework and a yacht. No offence OP, just seems a bizarre request.

midlifehope · 04/06/2015 17:47

Thanks daddaddad that is really useful advice. The reason I wanted a mans advice is to try to work out what would get through to dp and where he is coming from. I know there are some men on here. I've asked lots of women before and they either say ltb, or don't have any advice. That's all

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 04/06/2015 17:50

So you're working, doing 95% of the domestic stuff and you're pregnant, while your husband hangs out on his yacht...

So as of this week he takes over all the housework. And ds can stop going to nursery full time now he's home.

You'll just need the one conversation to sort this as he's not a lazy, entitled prick right?

Twinklestein · 04/06/2015 17:53

Adult males should not need to be coached into how to function as a responsible adult.

Nagging is the sexist term for women having to repeatedly ask a man to do something he should have done of his own accord.

Vivacia · 04/06/2015 17:55

The reason I wanted a mans advice is to try to work out what would get through to dp and where he is coming from.

Yeah, I think we can answer that despite the possession of vaginas.

pictish · 04/06/2015 17:56

Well why would he want to change? You're doing all the shitwork while he enjoys himself. He's obviously going to be pretty happy with that.

He knows what needs doing and how to do it. If he wanted to pitch in and lessen your load, he would.
It's not like he doesn't realise how unfair it is. He knows...he just doesn't care. That's where he's coming from. It's no mystery.

midlifehope · 04/06/2015 17:57

I don't know what to do. I came home and burst into tears about the state of the place. He has no shame leaving egg shells breakfast stuff, remnants of a pizza and a beer bottle on the worktop all day. Since he's stopped working he seems to have lost any sense of responsibility

OP posts:

pictish · 04/06/2015 17:57

And I worked that out despite the distraction of my tits.

midlifehope · 04/06/2015 17:59

Pictish that is the problem, but what is the solution? I dint want to ltb. He even seems to think that the mess is my problem as I've bought ds too much stuff. I'm just at a loss

OP posts:

DadDadDad · 04/06/2015 18:02

Yes, "nagged". Dictionary definition of nag: to find fault or complain in an irritating, wearisome, or relentless manner.

So if my DW repeatedly asks me to do something, even though logically I know it's perfectly reasonable for her to repeat a request if I've still not done it, it can feel like nagging, because like other people, I suffer from pride, and get irritated being told what to do by someone else. I appreciate that's my really my problem, not my DW.

AnyFucker · 04/06/2015 18:04

There is no solution other than ltb that does not involve being a martyr and a doormat

which is what you are doing now

Twinklestein · 04/06/2015 18:05

I don't give a fuck what it feels like tbh dad

JeanSeberg · 04/06/2015 18:06

I've asked lots of women before and they either say ltb

I'd say that was pretty good advice.

something2say · 04/06/2015 18:06

Stop cooking for him. Tell him you are tired.

DadDadDad · 04/06/2015 18:07

Adult males should not need to be coached into how to function as a responsible adult.

Well, I agree that they should not, but I'm a flawed human being as is my DW, and my experience of marriage is that we both work at our shortcomings, learning from each other. We shouldn't just leave someone because they don't match up to our ideal.

NorahDentressangle · 04/06/2015 18:07

If you can afford a yacht get a daily cleaner. A couple of hours would have it covered. Don't be a martyr.

Twinklestein · 04/06/2015 18:08

You can't be at a loss OP, you're clearly an intelligent woman who's working and running a house.

If there's eggshells and pizza and beer bottles still in the kitchen, that's nothing to do with stuff you've bought your son, so you see the blatant attempt to shift blame onto you for what it is.

midlifehope · 04/06/2015 18:09

I think it's easy and glib to say ltb on an Internet forum where you have no emotional investment in the situation and have no need to pick up any of the pieces financial or emotional. However it makes the poster look decisive and in control whilst telling another human they are a doormat. That's why I wanted a mans perspective.

OP posts:

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Vivacia · 04/06/2015 18:10

Not feeding or cleaning your child does not come under "shortcoming". Neither does failing to provide a clean and safe home.

SevenDrunkenNights · 04/06/2015 18:10

WhoNickedMyName · 04/06/2015 18:10

So he slobs around, makes a mess, takes no responsibility, has no shame about you coming home from work and bursting into tears at the state of the house and fucks off on his yacht for loads of leisure time.

You don't want to LTB.

Well then suck it up buttercup. There is no magic solution. This is your life, you are choosing this, so get on with it.

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