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To stay or go

(15 Posts)
Anon15 Thu 04-Jun-15 12:48:24

I'll keep this brief as possible, as I've posted before :-(

I've changed some details very slightly such as ages to protect my identity a bit. I'm 28, DH is 29. We've been together 11 years, married 3. 2 DCs aged 7 and 9 months.

We had a very good relationship until our son was born and then things went strange, not much sex, not really getting along just seemed to be friends. Then we got married and had a miscarriage then our daughter. He blamed me for the miscarriage and also said I'm ridiculous for still grieving 2 years on even though we've since had a baby. He also said I was embarrassing in labour by swearing and screaming etc. and says it's pathetic I couldn't breastfeed.

On the flip side, he's a fantastic dad to the kids, can't do enough for them. But we disagree on some fundamental issues such as if the eldest child is naughty how to discipline etc and a bit about money too, and it's a regular argument and it makes me so sad.

Then he accuses me of being selfish, miserable etc.

I know I'm not entirely blameless.

He won't go to counselling. I'm just thinking if I can deal with however many years more of this shite!

I'm also scared of housing etc, we have a joint mortgage which is currently on the market. Would I get housing benefit in a rented house with my DC even though I'm on a mortgage?

When is enough enough? I feel I can't put up with this for ages but also can't imagine how to even start the leaving process x

fiveacres Thu 04-Jun-15 12:55:24

Well, there's a lot in your post I just don't know the answer to but he doesn't sound very nice at all, from this description.

Good fathers treat their children's mothers with respect.

Anon15 Thu 04-Jun-15 12:58:41

In worried things will go very nasty from his family too.

I come from a broken home and whilst it was tough at the time it's better than the environment I remember growing up with the rows x

OhNoNotMyBaby Thu 04-Jun-15 13:04:13

I think you're pretty far down the leaving process tbh. Once you start thinking about housing and mortgages and stuff you're more than halfway there.

He sounds absolutely awful to me. No husband should treat his wife in this way - and how, exactly, are you to blame for the miscarriage? That is a truly terrible accusation.

If I were you I would sit down with him and tell him you're both in the last chance saloon. Maybe it might prompt him to change - but I doubt it.

1st step is always the hardest - you see a solicitor.

HavingAnOffDAy Thu 04-Jun-15 13:09:51


I'm on my lunch break so posting briefly

My stbx sounds similar - he started off like your DH but progressed & we're now in the process of divorcing

The best thing I did was to see a solicitor before I instigated any conversations about divorce. That way I sure of my footing & couldst be scared by him.

The relief I feel in knowing I'll soon be free of him is immense

Anon15 Thu 04-Jun-15 13:13:47

It's so scary though. I only work part time and wouldn't be able to continue due to times of work etc and location of childcare etc etc. so would be almost entirely reliant on state help which I have no issue with in theory, I just never thought it would be me needing that help if that makes sense. I hope I don't sound awful about that, it's more of a pride issue to be honest.

Is no longer wanting to be married (for no reason other than that) enough for divorce? The thought of divorce scares me

QuiteLikely5 Thu 04-Jun-15 13:16:40

If you ask him to leave then the HB won't pay your mortgage no but you can get Housing benefit for another house if you left with your children.

Contact your housing office today, tell them the marriage has broken down, the house is for sale and ask what you should do from here on in.

Then you tell your dh you want to split, move into separate beds, apply for benefits (make sure you are splitting otherwise claiming will be illegal) and organise your finances that you have between you.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 04-Jun-15 13:18:49

Op are you sure you couldn't still work?

You can get lots of financial help with childcare from tax credits?

Google tax credit calculator.

Put in your part time earnings and childcare costs.

You might be surprised at how much extra you will get.

magoria Thu 04-Jun-15 13:23:13

In your third paragraph alone you have 3 or 4 examples of unreasonable behaviour you can cite fora divorce.

And that is just the tip of the iceberg.

fiveacres Thu 04-Jun-15 13:24:46

State help is there to be used.

Forgive me for making assumptions but I am guessing you don't earn a lot (I am basing that on having your eldest when you were - 21?) That doesn't have to continue. You can use this time to do what you think you might be interested in.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 04-Jun-15 13:26:02

Feel the fear and seek legal advice re separation. You are unhappy in this marriage and for good reason. You only have to give your own self permission to leave. The first step out is always the hardest to take but once that is done it should get easier.

Pride also comes before a fall, do not let pride stand in your way here.

The thought of you (and by turn your children) staying within such a marriage at all chills me.

The only level of abuse acceptable in a relationship is NONE.

Women in abusive relationships often write the "good dad" comment when they can think of nothing positive themselves to write about their man (as is the case yet again here).

He has actually done you a favour by not agreeing to joint counselling. It would be no point whatsoever in doing joint counselling with him because such men never accept any responsibility for their actions and choose to blame others (in this case you) instead. He could all too easily manipulate the counsellor as well. A decent counsellor would never see the two of you together anyway due to his ongoing abuse of you.

Counselling for your own self would be helpful.

If he abuses you, he is not a good father. Good fathers don't treat the mother of their children with disrespect. His blaming you for your miscarriage and you not being able to breastfeed are him simply projecting his own issues onto you. The relationship was really over back then when he did that.

Is this what you want to teach your children about relationships?. I should hope not, they deserve better too.

Anon15 Thu 04-Jun-15 13:57:16

To answer questions -

Yes I was 21 when I had DS, 6 weeks after finishing university. I don't want to use that degree now though and would love to train as a midwife. I earn little money in a minimum wage job.

It's hard and I'm nervous, I don't want to split and then think I've made a mistake, iyswim?

fiveacres Thu 04-Jun-15 14:02:48

It is hard.

What do you think is best for DC?

Be honest smile

Anon15 Thu 04-Jun-15 14:34:47

For mummy & daddy to be happy, regardless of whether that's together or not x

Anon15 Thu 04-Jun-15 21:12:10

He's barley spoken to me tonight, just shouted at me about our wheelie bin going missing?! What the actual F?

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