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Disengage, disengage, disengage!

(33 Posts)
HoldYerWhist Thu 04-Jun-15 12:08:42

MIL is, I'm pretty convinced, a narcissist. I have been reading a lot on here and articles etc so I don't say that lightly.

DH is the child of a narcissistic parent and is, in my non-professional opinion, the scapegoat while BIL is the golden child.

It's a weird set up because I believe that some of this golden child stuff has been transferred to my SD.

Anyway, a long and convoluted back story leads to MIL finally getting what I suspect she has wanted all along; SD has cut contact with us.

MIL has been taking great pleasure in sending DH a list of his faults and reasons why he's a shit father whilst trying to get me involved.

I'm staying out of it and concentrating on my own dc.

I tried to reach out to SD if only to have contact with her siblings through me. And though she says I haven't done anything to upset her, she wants nothing to do with me.

I tried. She's not interested. I have to respect that.

MIL is a cunt unpleasant so I have no interest in maintaining contact with her, even for dc who will never be as important to her as SD and who she will treat badly, emotionally.

(I don't think BIL and SD have gained anything by her brand of 'love' either, tbh).

Anyway, I no the best way to deal with this is to disengage completely. I know that NC is the best and healthiest thing for me, my dc and even dh (with his mother) but...It's bloody hard!

How do you do it?!

<SD is 21 if that's relevant>

HoldYerWhist Thu 04-Jun-15 12:33:08

Should also say that there are plenty of PA social media posts and photos going around. I've ignored them all.

I use social media for work and to delete them seems childish.

Jenoftheweek Thu 04-Jun-15 12:41:58

I have no advice but best of luck with your family life. I agree NC is the best way to deal with a narc.
Why do they have to poison the air?

HoldYerWhist Thu 04-Jun-15 12:49:38

Thank you, Jen.

To be honest, it was only really from reading threads on here and other forums that I realised how futile trying any sort of relationship is.

Obviously, it's a lot harder for dh and he hasn't really gotten there yet. Perhaps he never will. But for my own part I just cannot and will not be involved anymore.

And I certainly won't have my lovely children abused by them.

ActiviaYoghurt Thu 04-Jun-15 12:52:53

Try not to give her so much head space, the best thing you can do is be happy, busy, look out for your family, make your DC happy, support your DH and don't slag her off to him.

HoldYerWhist Thu 04-Jun-15 12:56:48

don't slag her off to him

Must. Bite. Lip. wink

I know you're absolutely right. Sometimes I want to scream at him "can you not see what she is?!"

He pretends he doesn't care but I know him. He turns into a robot.

We actually split up at the start of our relationship because, well I wouldn't say he was EA as such or I wouldn't be with him still, but he definitely had communication issues!

It took a year of therapy for me to take him back!

He had a rather fucked up childhood but weirdly he seems to blame his horrible dad for all of it and not see at ALL how horrible his mum is! (His parents aren't together anymore and haven't been for years).

QuiteLikely5 Thu 04-Jun-15 12:57:00

What activia said with bells on.

It truly is the best way to go.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 04-Jun-15 13:03:07

I agree it's frustrating. Unfortunately the other day I totally let rip to dh about his family and I've regretted it ever since. Mainly because i was rude about them or downright nasty even but what I said was how I felt at the time. I called them toxic and reeled of some of their behaviour and basically it got me nowhere.

I let them take my energy again! And cause marriage stress!

I'm usually quite good but a few times a year I explode.

On this occasion we were excluded from a family event along with the children. It simmered then I blew (after about a week though) which I think was quite good. smile

Argghh In laws just aren't worth it!

HoldYerWhist Thu 04-Jun-15 13:06:12

Quite I'm sorry you are suffering with bastard in-laws too!

That's so horrible about the party! What did your dh do/think?

I usually get a shrug and an "I'm not bothered" but he is bothered and it effects his mood and all sorts.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 04-Jun-15 13:07:44

That is what my dh does but I know it must have upset him.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 04-Jun-15 13:08:15

They are so underhand its unbelievable. Things they have done!

QuiteLikely5 Thu 04-Jun-15 13:10:02

Unfortunately because I dare to challenge the status quo I have turned out to be the bad guy!

Somehow! I mean how do they manage to do that - seriously

I'm getting worked up

HoldYerWhist Thu 04-Jun-15 13:13:44

Unfortunately because I dare to challenge the status quo I have turned out to be the bad guy!

This is exactly what has happened with me! I haven't ever just accepted the frankly ridiculous behaviour so I am the worst human to have ever lived!

Missymoomoo1979 Thu 04-Jun-15 13:26:58

I reacted to a narc a couple of years ago. She'd said so much bullshit about me and my family over the years I finally reacted and boy did the shit hit the fan. She was livid that I'd dared to challenge her and was very threatening. We don't see each other now but she still puts her passive aggressive shit on Facebook waiting for a reaction. It's not happening. She has had a huge tradegy in her life but she was like this before it happened.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 04-Jun-15 13:27:45

You are better off out of it. So am I. It is a hard thing to accept. Because it will never change.

These people have made me doubt myself so many times, caused me anxiety, excluded me etc

Going very low contact was the only way I could survive.

My husband challenged his mother once, via email and strangely she blamed me!

Because somehow anything my husband does that they don't like, I must have made him do it and anything he doesn't do, that he should do - well of course it must have been me who stopped him!

Just can't win.

confusedoflondon Thu 04-Jun-15 13:28:46

You marry the man you marry his family. That simple. So if having contact causes you upset NC. Don't try and convince your dh how awful is family is (not saying you do) you chose him (and by default, them) but you don't need to interact with them. Ignore and no contact and quite simply remove them from your headspace - same advice to them about you. It's not fair or nice but that's life.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 04-Jun-15 13:38:17

The problem my DH has is that he (like these men written about in these previous posts) have been brought up to believe that this is "normal" when it is clearly not. I can see how dysfunctional it all is in his family of origin (and in the generation or so prior as well, toxic stuff does go down the generations) but its very hard for these people (I think men in particular) to accept or even begin to try to come to terms with. Its hard to be told that your parents are not the nice people who you thought they were.

The scales have somewhat fallen from DHs eyes over the years but he still won't have a bad word said about his mother (she is a narcissist and very secretive to boot). His late father (he was really no father at all to DH) was an ignoring type of narcissist with limited social skills and no conversation other than talking at anyone about his own limited achievements.

It is not possible to have any sort of a relationship with a narcissist so I would advise you all not to try. Disengaging from such people is the only way to go.

confusedoflondon Thu 04-Jun-15 13:59:25

I would personally find it very had if my DP decided to tell me how crap my parents are. It wouldn't be useful even if were true. Luckily few men get involved in that way to label a women's parents and point out how crap they are and generally the ones that do are themselves labelled EA.

HoldYerWhist Thu 04-Jun-15 14:22:32

It's very hard, confused, to see the person you love hurt over and over again and not want to point out that it's not his fault!

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 04-Jun-15 14:30:36

Indeed HoldYerWhist.

(EA is a totally different kettle of fish altogether).

I have also explained to my DH that its not his fault that his parents are dysfunctional. He also agrees that his parents, well his dad anyway, was not the ideal role model for him.

confusedoflondon Thu 04-Jun-15 14:40:20

I know I've been there. But what I'm saying is its you who keeps getting burnt - so stop putting your hand in the fire. That's his parent and he loves her by default probably , faults and all and that's an age old story that predates you - it's their experience. Your decision of NC is the right one.

HoldYerWhist Thu 04-Jun-15 14:52:15

You're right. Absolutely.

I do hope though, that one day he will see what she is.

Until then, I can only hope she won't even come up in conversation.

HoldYerWhist Thu 04-Jun-15 15:11:50

Dh is going to keep trying with SD, of course but here's my other problem;

I don't want my dc around his family. They're all involved in the toxicity. All of them.

It's one thing I'm just not willing to budge on.

SD is always welcome here, she's his daughter. But I don't want my dc visiting his family without me and I'm sure and shit not going anywhere near them!

I can't rely on dh to protect them from MIL's machinations because he can't or won't protect himself from them!

How do I handle that?

confusedoflondon Thu 04-Jun-15 15:51:40

I think you have to trust your dh to be honest and also give yourself credit even I'd you're struggling to give him some - your children are a product of you, so lead by example. I think we women have a tendancy to storm in as wisewoman who knows best and can sort it all , make everyone see and make everyone happy but I realised what a wise woman actually does is listen to what she teaches her children - sticks and stones and all that. It's very very difficult relinquishing control over these things but your dh is their parent, let him handle it. Put faith in him in his role as dad and let him handle his role as son.

HoldYerWhist Thu 04-Jun-15 17:42:39

Well, he has contacted SD and gravelled, fawned, begged and pleaded.

I'm trying not to be bothered because, after all, she is his dd but...

She has been particularly nasty to me and about the dc. This is not a new thing but I would have hoped it would stop in adulthood. He hasn't even mentioned any of that. Has just let her spew shit about his younger dc and done nothing.

This is why I have to disengage. I can't deal with this sort of fucked up-ness!

WIBU to tell him I don't want to know anything about it at all? As in, about SD too?

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