am I in an abusive relationship

[fantasyruined]

.

[griselda101]

can't really tell from "." unfortunately!

but, since you're posting, it's entirely possible!

[fantasyruined]

sorry posted too soon!
hi all some advice badly needed please, I'm starting to think more and more my partner is becoming abusive and controlling with the things he says and does.
He makes lots of "jokes" and the jokes always on me but I dont find it funny and then get him being really angry saying I don't have a semse of humour
he keeps me hanging all the time about "he will let me know" when he can see me, right up until the last minute so I cant make plans around it , I know I should just make them and sod him but he knows how much I want to see him and plays on this.
there's so so much more and I will explain if anyone's willing to chat
I know I sound weak but I'm going through a really rough time atm so its not as simple as leave him as I just havent got the strength right now and am embarrassed I havent
thanks for listening....

[fantasyruined]

he also has horrible mood swings 1 minute loves me so much wants to move in together etc then hours later telling me to go fuck myself and slamming down the phone on me, ignoring my calls etc as a punishment I'm not sure what I'm being punished for though he seems to flip out over the tiniest thing i say yet he says all sorts of awful stuff to me and I'm meant to just take it as a "joke"

[griselda101]

I don't know about abuse other than the experience i had with my ex but your partner sounds very abusive. Google "passive aggressive relationships" sounds entirely like this, especially the lateness and turning things around on you making you the one in the wrong (can't take a joke etc). crazy making behaviour.

the lateness thing is classic PA. It's also all twisted so it doesn't really look like he's being bad and it can take a while for it to click that he's being an arse. It's like a control thing.

He sounds horrible. I would leave as soon as possible. I hate to say it but I think it is very unlikely that it will get better so don't hold out hope! Just get out ASAP.

[fantasyruined]

thank you for replying...I think it is starting to click although he would have me believe its all my fault, I'm oversensitive, cant take a joke etc etc.
it is clicking its just all so hurtful, what ive written is only the tip of the iceberg....

[griselda101]

my ex did the same thing...I was always the one at fault, told me I was going insane and needed to see a shrink (he has serious mental health issues himself and was projecting), whenever I confronted him with reasons I was upset / needed help / needed his behaviour to change was told I was oversensitive etc, when in fact he was being an arsehole. got to the point where I nearly had a breakdown, broke up with him and life improved massively (we had a DS together so still implicated in my life but thank god not together any more)

some classic passive aggressive (and generally abusive) tactics are:

constantly late (sometimes excessively)
says one thing and does another
lies
manipulates
withdrawing / sulking
taking out their anger in other ways (won't confront it at the time you bring it up, won't discuss, then later gets really angry over something stupid, blows up)
breaking your stuff behind your back so you can't prove it
the silent treatment
gaslighting (making you think you're the crazy one)
never confronting issues, turning them around at you
undermining you subtly so you can't put your finger on it
you feel like you're treading on eggshells, changeable moods

etc etc ad infinitum

There's little you can do to change it and the best thing is get out ASAP as you will be in a downward spiral otherwise. Find some strong people (friends and family) to help you out of your current situation and get out as quickly as poss.

[fantasyruined]

Thank you...This sounds very much like him I don't have any family which is maybe why I cling to him and put up with more than I should.
he does gaslight I tell him all the time he rewrites history saying things he's said/done never happened or he doesn't remember them.
he also will not EVER have a conversation about how I feel he says I'm not listening to this shit and slams down the phone even though I sit and listen to hours to him drone on about his own problems ( usually caused by him! )
theres hardly any affection or sex I have to ask him for a hug or a kiss and sex very rarely if he does he makes it feel like hes doing me a favour
weve had a big argument over something really tiny tonight infact Im not sure what he was even angry about or why he flared up so badly but for once I slammed the phone down on him
im lay in bed crying now I do want to see him on friday and talk in the morning as usual but I know he will now ignore me as a punishment
my confidence is so low from his jibes and constantly wondering if it is me not him and I feel in a constant state of anxiety that I will say the wrong thing and he will punish me ( by ignoring etc ) for it

[DrElizabethPlimpton]

It isn't you OP. You are seeing a fuckwitted bastard who is handing out abuse left right and centre. (I've been there too so I know how it feels.)

The only way you will feel normal again is to get rid of him. You don't need this person poisoning your life any more. We have one life - don't waste it crying for him. You are worth so much more.

If you do decide to give him one more chance, he will dispise you a little bit more and behave accordingly. This isn't love it is abuse.

Sorry if I'm a bit harsh. I wish I had mumsnet when I was where you are now - with the bruises as well - and saved myself 7 years of hell. Life is wonderful with peace of mind. Good luck and keep strong.

[goddessofsmallthings]

I'm going through a really rough time atm so its not as simple as leave him as I just havent got the strength right now

Rather than supporting you during the 'really rough time' you're going through, all he's doing is adding to whatever problems you currently have.

The reason why you haven't got the strength to leave him is because his abusive behaviour has eroded your confidence but, as you're not living together, you don't have to 'leave' him - all you have to do is tell him to go fuck himself end the relationship.

Look at your last post and ask yourself why you want to see him on Friday - do you believe that being used and abused by him is good for you, or are you simply a glutton for punishment?

Ditch him, honey, and work on your self-esteem otherwise you're likely to take up with another man who will prove to be as abusive as this self-absorbed twunt.

[BeCool]

Ditch the nasty man.

Sounds to me like he's probably got a coke habit too. Avoid avoid avoid.

[workingtoohardmum]

Ditch him ...life will be so much better .

[workingtoohardmum]

His problems are NOT your problems...

[Penfold007]

OP your not living together so 'leaving' him is easy. I'm not sure EA describes his attitude but you seem to be more invested in the 'relationship' than him. He knows he can mess you about because you will allow it.

If calling it EA helps you dump this waste of space and work on your own self esteem then go for it.

[QuiteLikely5]

Yes he is abusive. Mr nice/Mr Nasty.

Thank god you do not live with him. Sadly it is unlikely he will ever change.

You cannot fix him either by altering your behaviour. He is emotionally dysfunctional and always will be.

Why not take some control back and tell him you need a break from this relationship for a few weeks?

He's no good for you. You know it. Try to detach from him because imo this relationship won't give you the fairytale ending and you are wasting your life with this man.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

Yes he's definitely abusive. This relationship is a waste of your life. Think it over - there is loads of help on here when you are ready for it

[twistletonsmythe]

Oh he is certainly abusive and sounds utter hell. I wonder why your bar is set so low that you think this is an acceptable relationship? Anyway, you deserve more than he will ever offer. Please get rid now, call on your friends for support and do the Freedom Programme sharpish. This man has a veritable village fete's bunting worth of red flags - you need to find a way to recognise it.

[Isetan]

You deserve better and until you believe it and take back the power you have surrendered to this idiot, nothing will change.

Stop wasting your life waiting for him to be someone different.

[fantasyruined]

thanks all as expected he is ignoring me now since I put down the phone on him last night when he was screaming at me over nothing!
he was meant to be staying tonight and tomorrow night but who knows now...hate feeling so anxious about it all and wish I couldnt care less

[Jan45]

You wont ever do anything right by him, he's totally screwed up in the head so he will find fault when it's not there, the only thing he can do you for you bring down your self esteem - get rid, find people who are nice and normal, you are probably hanging on because you don't have an alternative, it's not a good idea.

If you had a fuller life you'd be less bothered I'm sure, he knows this and is playing you, he's just horrible.

[ALittleFaith]

Everything else in your life that is challenging will be exacerbated by your relationship with him. The sooner you ditch him, the sooner you'll start feeling better.

If he's ignoring you, leave him be! Do you usually call him begging for forgiveness? Wait and see how long it takes him to get in touch (and enjoy the peace in the mean time).

[Hissy]

telling me to go fuck myself and slamming down the phone on me

the MINUTE someone tells you this, is the moment the relationship is OVER.

He is NOT staying with you again, if you let him in your life again you are an IDIOT, and he will use this to hurt you more and worse the next time.

You might not WANT to ditch him, but you MUST ditch him, he will destroy you otherwise.

[fantasyruined]

I just dont get it ive been ignoring him all day and getting nice msgs ( which never happens ) then he phoned about an hr ago and I stupidly answered.....
I mentioned about tomorrow night as hes meant to be staying and he said I told u I want to change it to sat night so he can get his hair cut sat morning! he knows full well I cant do sat as am seeing a mate that's been arranged for weeks
I tried to be all couldnt care less with him by saying ok well I cant do sat so r u saying ur cancelling tomorrow n Ill make other plans, he said ill let u know! I went on to tell him thats ridiculous does he really think its ok to say ill let u know if I'm gonna cancel and keep me hanging and he said yeah thats what I said u got it? well done clever u
I was in the supermarket at the time in tears and told him hes cruel and controlling and he just went oh poor u eh poor u! then he will call me back later and he loves me loads
I didnt say I love u back I don't want to talk to him tonight and tbh the way he spoke sent shivers a bit ...
I need to be stronger I need to show him I'm not the doormat he thinks I am
back to ignoring him and sitting worrying tonight I guess

[fantasyruined]

in reply to an earlier response yes I always make the 1st contact after an argument...pls lets not argue I love you im sorry etc even when I've done nothing wrong

[CocktailQueen]

telling me to go fuck myself and slamming down the phone on me

The minute this happens, your relationship should be over. He sounds like a real shit. Dump him, dump him, run far away very fast. Honestly, your life will be soooo much better once you're away from him.