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Lied to my dh

(57 Posts)
Draggingoutalie Wed 03-Jun-15 19:08:22

have n/c btw as I'm paranoid
I recently contacted someone on mumsnet regarding advice on my ds prospective school, which is where he has started now at nursery to help settle in for September. This person was very helpful and told my dh that this mum was really helpful etc etc then I realised the mum was actually a dad. I had been speaking to a bloke? How to tell dh this mum was in fact a man. My assumption, my mistake

Rewind a few years, I had been speaking to my ex online and dh found out, this was during a bad patch. We are still in a bad patch but I've decided to stay for ds. Dh can be borderline emotionally abusive as in he is very insecure even more so after the 'online affair' as he calls it

I don't know what to do, when I told the dad I said " i thought u were a mum and my dh thinks I've been speaking to ur wife, I'm not sure how he will take it as he dislikes internet anonymity". He said he understood and would let his wife know or something

We met him the other day at school, he introduced himself it was very awkward and I tried to make it seem I knew his wife. My dh wasn't comfortable as he doesn't like men speaking to me and I don't want to rock the boat so I just said "ah I bet his wife has been telling him everything about us that's how he knows who we are" now eventually I will see his wife on the school run and because my dh has a couple weeks off work he will be accompanying me.

This is so difficult for me as I don't want to speak to this woman as i will have to pretend we've been chatting. I have not contact her dh since on mumsnet. I have tried best to ignore him when I see him so he doesn't speak to us and let the cat out of the bag as he seems too 'comfortable' around me yet his wife will not know who I am

Sorry for this post I'm really worried and am considering leaving this school to avoid this awkwardness. I feel awful for the dad as he's been so helpful on mumsnet but in RL he will see I don't want to talk to him to stop dh noticing what's really going on. I just wish I had told dh the truth as soon as I found out but I didn't want him to think something weird went on somewhere. He already dislikes the dad for trying to talk to me.

What shall I do? I don't want to contact the dad again as I think it'll make things worse. Why should I trust him? He may make life difficult? I wish dh wasn't so paranoid but that's him and I have chosen to stay with him for ds but it's causing me a lot of anxiety to the point I just feel like changing schools. It's an independent school so smaller class sizes so more interaction with them, which on a normal day is fine just not in this situation.

Please help

nancy75 Wed 03-Jun-15 19:13:23

Honestly? You should leave your husband, he sounds like an arsehole. I'm sorry that's probably not a great help, but you are an adult, you can talk to who you want and if your husband has s problem with it then that's his problem.

Crazyqueenofthecatladies Wed 03-Jun-15 19:15:58

Your husband isn't borderline abusive, from the way you act he's got you 100 under his control. And your son is soaking up this relationship model like a sponge. The poor child and his poor future partners. Get help.

Weebirdie Wed 03-Jun-15 19:16:08

Please make today the day you decide to move on from this nightmare of a relationship.

handfulofcottonbuds Wed 03-Jun-15 19:16:19

You've done nothing wrong. Who knows who is male or female on here? You asked for advice and it helped.

I'm not sure why you were talking to your ex online years ago, that wouldn't sit well with me but your DH has no right to tell you who to speak to and make you so worried.

You sound pretty scared of him sad

NerrSnerr Wed 03-Jun-15 19:18:01

If your husband makes you this worried about telling him that someone was helpful over the internet then there is something wrong. He sounds awful, not wanting you to speak to other men. That is not right at all.

Tequilashotfor1 Wed 03-Jun-15 19:18:38

Fuck! You havnt done anything wrong! I wouldn't say your DH is borderline abusive, I would say he is full arsehole abusive - look at the job he has done on your self esteem!

This isn't normal! You need to look at the situation here, you havnt done anything wrong and your shitting your self and feeling guilty about it.

You need to leave - for your sake and your kids.

ohhello Wed 03-Jun-15 19:19:45

Jesus, your partner is so cb trolling you need to see things rational, you haven't done anything wrong, your partner is nuts and controlling your every cintact with the world. You seriously need out f this relationship, you aren't doing your son any favours staying in it.

Joysmum Wed 03-Jun-15 19:20:28

I wouldn't be in a relationship where I had to lie. How is it helping your DS you not being able to be you and having a liar for a mum?

You're turning into somebody you aren't for a relationship that's runing who you are.

luckiestgirlintheworld Wed 03-Jun-15 19:47:31

Do you realise you just wrote 'my DH doesn't like men speaking to me'? Do you know how fucked up that is? You have a child. It's not fair to stay with this man.

Charley50 Wed 03-Jun-15 19:55:20

My dad was like this with my mum. She wasn't allowed to speak to any men, including her own, and his, relatives, without getting accused of (basically) wanting to fuck them.
It was awful. She became very isolated, and even though they split up 20 years ago now it still affects her to this day. It was impossible for her to rebuild many of the friendships and lovely extended family relationships she was forced to give up.
So my unbiased advice is.... Get rid!! However hard it is. flowers

SevenDrunkenNights Wed 03-Jun-15 19:59:37

Oh god, please leave this man. Your OP made me feel sick. Life is too short for this rubbish, you are being badly controlled, and please think about your child, who will grow up to think this is normal behaviour.

Imagine not having to deal with your husband day in day out. Doesn't it seem like bliss compared to this bullshit?

NerrSnerr Wed 03-Jun-15 20:02:15

I'm just imagining the conversation I would have had with my husband
'Remember I told you a woman helped me on mumsnet?'
'Turns out it was a man'
'Cup of tea?'

Skiptonlass Wed 03-Jun-15 20:03:49

He doesn't like men speaking to you? So you can't have a professional conversation with half the planet?

Sorry, but that's absolutely unacceptable on his part. You've been chatting to a human being on a non sexual, completely innocent subject concerning your dc. Their gender is irrelevant. I chatted today with the chap in the office next to me about the bewilderingly complex Swedish parental leave system. He gave me some tips and links to check out. Absolutely no difference to me speaking to a female colleague about it.

My Dh has female friends, I have male friends.

Your husband is controlling to a frightening degree. This is NOT normal. Please seek help! Do you want your son to grow up thinking this is normal?

tribpot Wed 03-Jun-15 20:12:55

But you hadn't done anything wrong. Now you've lied to your DH but only out of fear of his complete over-reaction to the news that the Mumsnetter whose advice you had sought was a man not a woman. So what? How could you have known? And even if you did, I say again, so what?

Please don't leave this school - you are demonstrating quite clearly how you cannot live your life in fear of your H's jealousy.

Joysmum Wed 03-Jun-15 20:15:20

*I'm just imagining the conversation I would have had with my husband
'Remember I told you a woman helped me on mumsnet?'
'Turns out it was a man'
'Cup of tea?*

And that's a normal reaction for you. Don't model and abusivearriage as 'normal' for your son.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Wed 03-Jun-15 20:16:44

But your child will be very affected by having a 100% anxiety ridden mother...That rubs off...You are demonstrating a life model everyday for your child. In addition, your son will imprint how a man treats a woman from the demonstration from his father. This really is not good. So sorry to sound harsh, but imho, you made the wrong choice. You should leave the marriage for the sake of your son. And not for one minute think it is suspect to leave an abusive relationship for you , children or not. It sounds like it is not mentally healthy for you to be around your husband.
Sorry you are going through this.

AnyFucker Wed 03-Jun-15 20:29:37

It must be awful to live like you do

You sound like a scared rabbit in the headlights

Please end your marriage and fgs, don't withdraw your child's school place to avoid having to pretend conversations you haven't had

Charley50 Wed 03-Jun-15 20:31:06

Yes. It is a massive mistake to stay 'for the kids' as growing up in this environment is so damaging. You are probably scared of the repercussions of leaving him, and staying 'for the kids' is a way of pretending your aren't scared. It's totally understandable to be scared in this situation but leaving is still the answer. Sorry you are with someone like this.

Hoppinggreen Wed 03-Jun-15 20:35:35

Bloody Hell, don't leave the school, leave your controlling dick of a husband

AnyFucker Wed 03-Jun-15 20:43:53

op, you can't live like this

will you have to leave/stop visiting every supermarket/dr surgery/library/shop/swimming baths/hotel etc etc every time you converse with a man ?

JessBear123 Wed 03-Jun-15 20:44:33

The fact it turned out you were talking to a man it is a non issue, not even worth thinking/worrying about.

You haven't done anything wrong! flowers

ALaughAMinute Wed 03-Jun-15 20:57:20


Get out!

clam Wed 03-Jun-15 20:57:28

Blimey, he hasn't half done a number on you, hasn't he? You sound terrified of him and his ridiculous reactions.

Pensfriends Wed 03-Jun-15 21:06:42

OP my alarm bells are ringing loudly. This is exactly how my ex was. At the time I actually thought it was an almost normal way to behave. For the sake of your DC please leave.

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