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Narcissistic ex on PoF. So tempted to send him this message...

(12 Posts)
PaperWait Wed 03-Jun-15 15:57:07

Firstly, I'm not really asking a question, I just need a rant, so apologies!

A few days ago I had a 3-hr Facebook conversation with the recent ex of a man I was with many years ago. I could completely understand why she wanted to vent - he's the kind of charmer that gets under your skin and it assuaged her to know that she isn't the first intelligent attractive strong woman to have fallen for it.

I actually found the conversation quite cathartic - although I'm now happily married to a wonderful man, I hated myself for years after the split for wasting so much of my precious life hoping that he could change. Well - it seems like the vain narcissistic man child hasn't changed one bit - our stories of his abuse were almost identical and what's more, this isn't the first time that a woman he had a relationship with after me has found me through Facebook to rant about what a horrendous impact he had on her life!!

So, anyway ... one of my single friends is on PoF, and guess who messages her today? Yep - prince charming himself, coming across all whimsical and earnest about wanting to find "the one", just weeks after his long term partner has moved out of their flat! It's literally move on to the next with no remorse and start the same destructive cycle over and over again...

This brought back so much anger and resentment that I thought I'd put to rest years ago. I know in reality there is nothing I can do to stop other women going through what myself and his other two exes have been through and this makes me even angrier!

So I drafted a message which I feel like sending him on PoF in response to his grossly misleading profile. Of course, I won't send it because I don't want him to know that he still has the ability to rattle me, so I thought I would share it here instead.

Wow, your profile definitely caught me eye. So much of what you wrote resonated with me – You relish being around passionate creative people. You’re a kind-hearted person. You dislike people who feel the need to lie about themselves – tick tick tick!

I suppose I’m wondering whether you might be too good to be true?! You see, I would consider myself creative and passionate, but I suppose I’m still feeling a little wounded by a man who claimed to love these qualities in me, but in fact sucked my passion and creativity dry. He had an over-inflated ego and deep-seated insecurities that he masked by projecting a false impression of confidence. My creative talents threatened him because they were clearly more skillfully honed than his own. He fancied himself as some kind of rock star, but he had no control over his voice and his lyrics were like a 13-year-olds angst-ridden poems. He kidded himself that they were “abstract”, when in fact they were nonsensical. His “passion” was a theatrical veneer – he became so preoccupied by creating a façade that he lost sight of how true passion and beauty is rooted in vulnerability. I wasn’t the only woman who allowed myself to be vulnerable with him, but systematically he crushed us to the core. We feel almost sorry for him that he will never know the joy of truly, selflessly loving another person – that he will never experience what it’s like to make love, seeking instead sexual gratification through fucking women like he’s in a porno, a cheap imitation of passion, but one he apes over and over again, contaminated by his grimy little addiction. God, the sex was dull. Sometimes we faked it just for it to be over. Still, now at least we can laugh about it with each other, now that we have men in our lives who truly know how to satisfy a woman.

You see, being kind hearted is the key to everything. A real man provides comfort to his partner when she is down, ie: if her mother has cancer he is her rock, rather than accusing her of being a drama queen. He pays his way and treats his partner on special occasions, ie: if he has £900 he will buy her a birthday gift, not lie that he has no money, then spend it all on a bike. He’ll treat her like a goddess, rather than getting drunk and flirting with her friends. He’ll strive to protect her, rather than pushing her to the floor in a rage.

I too dislike people who feel the need to lie about themselves. For example, men who mislead others about their profession, or their smoking habits. Men who claim to be fit and healthy who in fact subsist on Vindaloo and chicken nuggets, washed down by umpteen cans of lager in their pigsty of a man cave. Don’t even get me started on men who claim to be easy-going ‘as the wind blows’ types when in fact are first in line for the crown of hot-headed, uptight tempestuous foot-stomping man child. You know the type you can’t take anywhere without them sulking, starting an argument or storming off? The type who tries to turn it round on the woman they’re with and make them feel like they’re the one who is being unreasonable? I’ll tell you where “spontinuity” always leads – with the little prince having drank too much, hurling abuse at people then waking up in a pool of his own piss. It’s a shame that “spontaneity” is beyond his grasp, both figuratively and linguistically.

So thank the heavens that you’re not that kind of man! Perhaps you feel the same abhorrence towards him that I do. I suppose it takes a “little extra special” narcissist to believe his own hype to the extent where his own chemistry test results portray a self so disparate from his true self, that he sounds almost perfect. I think I’ve found a solution for this narcissist – perhaps he CAN find true love … by having a relationship with himself! It’s a win-win situation – that way, no more intelligent, beautiful spirited women will end up self-harming, drinking to numb their pain or spending years in therapy because they hate themselves so much for falling for the narcissist’s charm and wasting years of their lives trying to appease him.

If only some profiles on PoF could come with a public health warning – perhaps then it might not be so easy for such men to leech onto new victims and suck them dry. The sad truth is that this cycle will keep on repeating, renewing every couple of years ad infinitum, unlike the man’s hair, which is receding at such a rate that in a decade’s time even he won’t be able to kid himself that he’s still attractive. He’ll be pushing 50, still living in a grotty rented flat, doing a dead end job he hates and too ugly both inside and out to attract anyone, let alone someone who lives up to his impossible ideals.

But, as I said, thank God that person is nothing like you!

LazyLouLou Wed 03-Jun-15 16:07:09

grin I bet you feel better having typed all that out.

I suppose all you can do is wait for whoever he hooks to get in touch and bleed their heart all over you, too!

PaperWait Wed 03-Jun-15 16:11:55

Damn right I feel better!

Sadly, I give it a year tops before the next poor woman messages me...

MyRightFoot Wed 03-Jun-15 17:59:31

you say the 3 hour chat with his ex was cathartic and im sure it was reassuring to speak to her as allies. hoqever it has dredged up those old feelings. your pal on pof has exacebated it all. i hope your letter helps you but i hope this experience has taught you not to go down memory lane with any more of his exes in the future. save your energy for the new lovely man in your life.

handfulofcottonbuds Wed 03-Jun-15 18:07:55

How does your DP feel about you having long chats with your exes ex?

How do the exes find you?

I hope your message in your OP helped you but really, forget him and if any other exes get in touch, block them. That isn't your life anymore.

Lipgloss74 Wed 03-Jun-15 18:20:56

So you are happily married but would join pof to send a ex an anonymous letter? Why bother. He won't change.

AlternativeTentacles Wed 03-Jun-15 18:24:11

How are these women finding you to message you? You need to put more controls on your social networks.

PaperWait Wed 03-Jun-15 18:24:21

My name is pretty unusual, and I'm also still FB friends with some of the women who are married to his friends, so I imagine they just found me by typing my name into FB.

I told DH all about this woman messaging me at the weekend and he was very empathetic - for what she had been through and what I had in the past. He said he just couldn't get his head around how some men could be so cruel and manipulative and I said memories of that time only made me appreciate him even more and how lucky I was to have him.

PaperWait Wed 03-Jun-15 18:25:43

No, I wasn't going to join PoF - my friend he contacted was going to send it through her account, but I'm not going down that road. I don't intend to take it any further at all, I just needed to vent!

Twinklestein Wed 03-Jun-15 18:34:37

He's just going to think it's mad, so it won't have any impact.

Lovingfreedom Wed 03-Jun-15 18:49:01

Better to move on and forget about this guy...this is way more effort than he's worth

devilinme Wed 03-Jun-15 19:41:14

Personally, I think cunts like your ex should be branded so that future potential partners can steer clear.

Your message would probably wasted on him unfortunately.

I'm all for telling the world though.

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