have nc as am seriously embarrassed and ashamed and I am sure you will all think I am nuts and awful. this is going to be a right ramble but I need to get it all out
I have been with DH 8 years, married 5. I am 33 and dh is 43. we have 2 DDs aged 2 and 6. and I have a DS, 10, from a prev relationship. he was married before and has a 19 yo dd and 2 adult stepchildren. I have always had jealousy issues over his ex right from the beginning as I was only his second gf after they split and she wanted him back and tried to get him back a few times in the first year or 2 we were together. I was really insecure. and still I am jealous of her now and of his past life.
he met her at 23, she was living with someone and had 2 DCs, but she left him for DH. her and her DC moved in immediately. only imagine how in love dh was to do that as a 23 year old lad really, he was (and is) very good looking and popular, he'd had several GFs until her, but never settled down so wasn't exactly short of offers. so god knows how crazy in love / lust he was to get her down the aisle that quick. he reckons it was her that pushed him into moving fast, he was not that bothered but I know what he is like, he isn't daft. In fact he is very sensible, measured and stubborn and if he didn't want to do something he wouldn't do it.
dh proposed to me after about 2 years and it bugs the hell out of me that it took him so long, knowing how quick he got a ring on XW.
I even get jealous that they owned a house together, dh and I only rent, how pathetic is that. we have never had that experience and prob never will! and I am jealous that he has already been a step dad before he was a step dad to my DS and that makes it less special to me.
I have low self esteem anyway. but my jealousy affects everything. worst of all it affects our sex life, as i wonder if she was better than me in bed, (she is skinny like about a size 6 and loads better looking than me even though she is older), she is typical blonde, skinny, tanned, immaculate....i am dark, pale and slim ish, quite unconventional looking really, I think had a brief period of "prettiness" in my 20's but thats going down hill quick and my 3 pregnancies have ruined my figure tbh. i will never look good in a bikini again. but at 40 odd and after her 3 kids she was posting holiday bikini pics on FB recently looking amazing. my feelings affect everything. our holidays, things we do as a family, when he does romantic things for me, Christmases, family parties etc etc, I just think, he has done this all before and I haven't. So I feel it isn't as special or meaningful. I am also jealous as I had sections for my births, dh ex had DSD naturally, and I often think how amazing it must have been for him. and also she will always be the mother of his PFB. and I have heard on here that women who have had natural births have better sex so there's another reason I worry that our sex life isn't as good. Not to mention my horrid scar. so embarrassed writing this.
basically I can not deal or cope with the fact he had a family before me....tbh the main reason I wanted to have our dds was to "even the score" and secretly I am happy that I have got more children with him than she has, (obvs he does not know that!) how awful is that? and mad.
I also secretly compare our kids with DSD. and although I would never say it our 2 girls are no where near as pretty and cute as DSD was (and is). in fact I even feel sick sometimes when I see DSD as she is crazy beautiful and I imagine her DM looked just like her at her age and I hate myself for it as I love DSD and she is lovely. so how awful of me.
I feel i cannot compete, I don't know what he sees in me when I look in the mirror. and its only going down hill as i get older! but he is always telling me how much he loves me, that he has never loved/fancied anyone as much as me or been so happy. that we have loads in common and i am his best friend, and he has never had that before. in fact he has told me before he was mostly quite unhappy when he was married before. so why can't I shake this jealousy? he knows about it a bit but I could never tell him all this.
ps I have had counselling several times and nothing has worked :( ....and I am sorry this is so long
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
please help, severe jealousy of dh's ex wife, i can't do this anymore
JustWanaBeHappy · 03/06/2015 10:21
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