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Online Dating help needed!

(18 Posts)
notsogoldenoldie Wed 03-Jun-15 09:56:30

Hi all. I have a dilemma regarding OD. Can you help?

My relationship broke down a few months back. During this time I set up a profile on a well-known website, got cold feet half way through and didn't complete it. So there's very little detail and no photo. I'm not subscribing and I'd forgotten all about it until I had a "hello" message from a guy on there. I said "hello" back and we've messaged back and forth a few times, with me playing it very cool and detached. He now wants to meet me and I don't know what to do. I've seen his photo and he's ok, seems normal, but I don't know what the etiquette of OD is and I'm frankly terrified!

He doesn't know what I look like, so I'm not sure whether he's just fishing for anyone who bites, and I'm not long out of a very long-term relationship and I don't know if I can cope with any more rejection if things go pear-shaped and he doesn't like me.

What would you do if you were me-jaded, middle aged, lacking in self-esteem and scared stiff of being hurt again?

I read so many horror stories on here......

stillsingingintherain Wed 03-Jun-15 10:00:55

I'd be a bit bemused that he wants to chat and meet you without seeing a photo! If he has facebook could you add him and chat on there? You can find out a lot about someone by there fb profile imo

notsogoldenoldie Wed 03-Jun-15 10:22:38

Thanks still. I was a bit hmm at being messaged when I don't have a photo. No-one else has messaged me. I must admit I'm very naive about this sort of thing… how long do guys message for before asking to meet? Is there a timescale?

LadyBlaBlah Wed 03-Jun-15 10:24:27

Personally, I wouldn't meet anyone who had not seen a photo of me.

The people who tend to contact people who have no photos are weirdos.

Put a photo up. Start it properly.

What site are you on?

LadyBlaBlah Wed 03-Jun-15 10:28:14

Also, without wanting to sound cruel.

You do have to have a thick(ish) skin for OD and some very clear rules.

Do you have your rules ready? Do you know what you are looking for?

e.g. would you continue talking to someone who talked about sex before you had met?
Would you be OK with someone cancelling a date at the last minute?
Would you be OK with someone not having a photo on their profile?
Would you be Ok with someone being recently separated?

The list is personal, but you need to look at this a little bit more coldly than you might imagine because it's easy to get sucked in via messages - imaginations can go wild and you must always be assessing the information you have infront of you, not what you want to see/hear.

notsogoldenoldie Wed 03-Jun-15 10:59:05

Thanks, lady. Some interesting thoughts. I have quite a thin skin at the moment. I'm also quite naive about people's motives, I think. And, to answer your questions:

No, I wouldn't be comfortable talking about sex before meeting someone.
I would be a bit miffed at someone cancelling at the last minute but I suppose it happens...
I would consider someone without a photo if there was a good reason.
Yes, I would be comfortable with someone recently separated.

But that's just me. I'm genuine, but I'm not sure I'm ready for OD but I'm curious...

HelenF350 Wed 03-Jun-15 11:17:51

I deleted my photo from my internet dating profile and to be honest found I got a better class of reply. I did always send one in my first reply though or sent one if I initiated contact.

antimatter Wed 03-Jun-15 11:35:35

I never added men from dating websites to my FB. FB is too personal to share too soon IMHO.

notsogoldenoldie Wed 03-Jun-15 14:18:05

Thanks both. helen can I ask (a bit cheeky, this...) whether, once you'd sent a photo, whether anyone subsequently decided not to meet you?

I don't really do FB, and I agree that it would be too much, too soon.

HelenF350 Wed 03-Jun-15 16:20:13

Ask away. There were probably a couple of people didn't reply after I sent a photo. I can't really remember though to be honest. It was much happier with my profile this was as when there is no photo they actually need to read your profile so for virtually no chancers and unsolicited 'dick picks' which were abundant before. smile

notsogoldenoldie Wed 03-Jun-15 17:49:48

Mmmmm..yes, I was thinking of THOSE sort of pics...

I think my strategy will be to either send a photo if/when he asks or try my best to describe myself. I'm not sure I'm prepared for no further contact after a photo though....I'd be gutted if that happens.

Hope your experiences have been positive, though..

HelenF350 Wed 03-Jun-15 20:00:52

Well I met DP on Pof, we've been together nearly 3 years and dc1 is due in less than a month grin

notsogoldenoldie Wed 03-Jun-15 20:02:52

Awwww...a happy ending...

HelenF350 Wed 03-Jun-15 23:09:05

Met a lot of dodgers first but you learn quickly to develop thick skin and spot the chancers a mile off. Best thing for me was no profile photo but stating in my profile that I would send one. That was advice from a friend and it was very helpful. Before that I was getting lots of responses but mostly from idiots. Afterwards I got hardly any responses but the ones I did were much more sensible and I contacted several guys, sending them a picture with my first message. I felt like it put me back in control a bit. Good luck, it's hard going for a start but it can be worth it. Another tip is only ever meet for coffee on a first date. It's easy to extend the date if you get on but it's easy to escape quite quickly if you don't! grin

Lovingfreedom Wed 03-Jun-15 23:59:07

I assume if there's no photo that the profile owner has something to hide or are not serious. I'd never reply to someone without pics on the profile even if they forwarded them.

notsogoldenoldie Thu 04-Jun-15 08:15:42

Interesting......I've obviously got a lot to learn!

CheersMedea Thu 04-Jun-15 13:10:34

The people who tend to contact people who have no photos are weirdos.

I don't think that's fair in all cases. I agree as a general rule but not always.

Exceptions would be, for example, if you have a reasonably detailed profile or one that reflects your personality through humour or writing style and someone contacts you for that reason. So if you get an email saying "can't believe you are also into crocheting, fencing and love Iron Maiden. All my life I've been searching for someone who loves all three".

Also some people have no photos because they are private - not because they are married or dodgy. A friend of mine went on a few dates with a very high profile company CEO who had no photo. He was very clear that he wouldn't put a photo up or email one because he didn't know if he was dealing with journalists etc and didn't want to be exposed as doing OLD.

But I agree that unless someone has a good reason for not having a photo and not wanting to email one, it's generally not a good sign.

notsogoldenoldie Thu 04-Jun-15 16:50:16

Cheers,*Cheers*. That's what I think too. I'm very private and don't like having my photo taken either. I can handle group ones but avoid individual ones. I haven't got one for FB or LinkedIn either. Maybe it's a generational thing too: ppl of my vintage are perhaps not so used to ubiquitous photos all over the place.

This guy has now asked for my phone number. He seems a bit too keen imo. Desperate even. No dick pics, though. Yet.

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