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He acts like he is my friend!

(38 Posts)
Theoldcauliflower Wed 03-Jun-15 00:02:12

I've been with dp nearly 4years love him so much, we both have kids from previous , all get on great! But the sex is just shit, really shit! I ask all the time but we only do it when he wants to,and most the time we haven't done it for a while it's over quite quick I'm sick of it! Never any for play! Any clues???

Theoldcauliflower Wed 03-Jun-15 00:03:19

When we haven't done it for a while hmm

beaglesaresweet Wed 03-Jun-15 00:22:41

he could have 1)a very low sex drive, or 2)problems lasting - something psychological or 3)he may be a closet gay. Without knowing him or more info, impossible to know which of these!
Have you asked for more foreplay? it's best to be direct.

ShonaOCasey Wed 03-Jun-15 00:29:58

Life is too short for shit sex...

Theoldcauliflower Wed 03-Jun-15 00:34:31

I know but I love him, I just feel so ugly I'm 33 and I don't think I am, maybe I am, j fucking must be! it just seems so crap I don't know what to do!

Theoldcauliflower Wed 03-Jun-15 00:38:44

He's defo not gay that's for sure! He used to do oral all the time, but it's been a long time now! Yes I ask but he ignores. He says that it's coz he's tired, but he's been off work this week and slept loads and still no interested, it makes me so sad I remember when he wanted me and couldn't keep his hands off me was lovely, but it's gone and I'm depressed!

SycamoreMum Wed 03-Jun-15 00:48:15

What Beagle said.

My current bf was like that, kind of selfish. So I stopped giving him nooks and its like something clicked because the romance picked up. It didn't help that I would get done up just the way he loved and wouldn't let him near the box grin

Not saying you should do this but its an option really ��

beaglesaresweet Wed 03-Jun-15 00:48:24

you say he sleeps a lot and has lost interest compared to before - could he be depressed?
The fact he ignores you is really bad (re foreplay). Something's gone wrong there. Does he still say he loves you?

beaglesaresweet Wed 03-Jun-15 00:51:10

exactly, if you don't like lack of foreplay (and why should you) then don't have sex with him, it may 'click' that he needs to step up, unless something else is wring i.e. depression as I mentioned.

tallwivglasses Wed 03-Jun-15 02:22:34

Please don't stay wih a man that makes you feel ugly. You KNOW you could go out tomorrow and find a bloke who would find you well-sexy. Don't let him drag you down.

Theoldcauliflower Wed 03-Jun-15 09:13:24

He could be depressed beagle but he seems quit happy most the time, he's very affectionate and loves cuddles. He says he loves me all the time it's just the sex I don't feel wanted!
There's no passion anymore.

Theoldcauliflower Wed 03-Jun-15 09:15:41

Tall I don't think he means to. I think he thinks everything is ok and tells me not to make a big deal of it if I say anything!

TokenGinger Wed 03-Jun-15 11:59:39

The fact he doesn't make a big deal out of you being upset about something is saddening. If you have a problem, your DP should want to fix that for you or discuss it to dismiss your anxieties x

Theoldcauliflower Wed 03-Jun-15 12:18:39

I know token, and I feel like it's just not as important to him as it is me. I think I'm going to say no when he finally comes to me wanting a quick hand job rather than sex, truth is I don't know if he will be that bothered anywaysad

TokenGinger Wed 03-Jun-15 12:38:10

That's so sad sad I was in a relationship which was largely sexless. We had sex once a week (out of duty for him, I think). It lasted about five minutes and that was it. He never made me orgasm once.

Luckily, he was my first so I didn't know what I was missing out on.

I know exactly how you feel and it's awful.

Does he adore you in every other way? It may not be a personal reflection on you and more just about him having a low sex drive, but even if so, when he does want sex and you do too, he could make more of an effort with foreplay x

singlemumoftwins Wed 03-Jun-15 12:41:22

Relate do a sex course which is supposed to be good.

Life is long. I personally think it's worth working on things that can then improve and have a lasting impact for the rest of your life.

singlemumoftwins Wed 03-Jun-15 12:42:19

Info on relate sex therapy www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-sex/sex-therapy

beaglesaresweet Wed 03-Jun-15 12:44:14

OK, then it sounds like his sex drive is very low and he can take it or leave. But definitely do not give into his requests for quick 'jobs', possibly that would build up some desire. Try at least - but if you have mismatched sex drives, it's hard to fix that.

Theoldcauliflower Wed 03-Jun-15 12:46:39

Token he is brilliant in every other way really, just totally selfish in bed!
Don't know what to do other than ban sex and see what happens??
Ohh he wouldnt go to relate single just no way, in his mind he thinks how we are is ok, well I suppose it is for him! Just not for me

Theoldcauliflower Wed 03-Jun-15 12:48:34

I think we must have, also he will only have sex in bed nowhere else!

Theoldcauliflower Wed 03-Jun-15 12:51:02

I've got to nip out now, thanks for your advice ladies flowersflowers

singlemumoftwins Wed 03-Jun-15 12:51:04

Why wouldn't he go to relate?

What would happen if you said, 'I understand you think everything is ok. But I am unhappy and think things could be better. So please can we go to relate? If it isn't useful then we can stop, but going would be good for me.'

If he refuses on those grounds then there's more wrong than just the sex.

Twinklestein Wed 03-Jun-15 12:52:11

It sounds much more like he has a low sex drive and isn't bothered than that he doesn't find you attractive OP.

I agree handjobs are all one way.

MerdeAlor Wed 03-Jun-15 13:01:25

Why not take some control back OP?

Sex and foreplay are consentual, you can lead, not just him. Tell him what you want in the moment - explore fantasies together. Teach him what you like, speak to him about it.
Introduce something new into the bedroom and see if that sparks his interest.

singlemumoftwins Wed 03-Jun-15 13:02:10

And yes I agree with Twinkle about having low sex drive.

I think it's a bit ingrained sometimes that men are all sex obsessed. Some just don't want it as much as other people - men and women

And it doesn't mean they're gay!

Lots of couples have sex twice a month and are perfectly happy with that. I think the average is three times a month actually

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