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Should I get over myself about mum?

(8 Posts)
phlebasconsidered Tue 02-Jun-15 21:27:25

Will try to be brief. Way back at the tail end of the sixties my mum married, had me and in quick succession had an affair and divorced my dad, getting together with my step dad. I was a toddler, and she didn't tell me about my real dad until I was ten.

During adolescence, my real dad made contact via family and she went mental, I was a child and it was all hushed up again she even made me promise not to tell my half sister.

Anyway, years of emotional blackmail,never having a hug never being told I was loved, being told that having me ruined her life, being "ill" every time I did anything she didn't like, crazy diary reading behaviour, refusing to buy me bras, constant control of food, all sorts of weirdness, I left home and maintained slight contact.

Then I had kids, gave her a chance hoping she would be better with them, she isn't really. We knocked along. My step dad is great, he works all hours to avoid her.

I found my real dad, we have great contact, and have been in happy touch for years. He filled in gaps and had been.following my life through relatives. He emigrated after several years of my mum blocking contact with me. We meet up and his family have welcomed me. My kids refer to.him as grandad three.

Anyway, my dd mention ed to my mum on her last visit about grandad three. My mum went ballistic.proper disinheriting rant, then went straight into emotional blackmail followed by weeping that I didn't visit her in hospital when she had a heart attack. She's right I didn't. She has since wept on my sister about it ( who was a star and pointed out that I hadn't done anything wrong) and is giving me the silent treatment whilst making sure I know how ill I have made her.

My view at this point is simply to cut it out my life: I don't need it! Is there any reason at all for me to feel guilty? She is a master at it.

Sorry for length of post.

mrstweefromtweesville Tue 02-Jun-15 21:32:43

No need at all.
Have you had counselling for the emotional abuse? It can help, and you will be more secure in your decision to go nc if you air your views to a listener with unconditional positive regard.
Your children don't need the emotional blackmail and fuss that you've had to endure.
Congratulations on finding a nice dad.

MehsMum Tue 02-Jun-15 21:42:42

Phleba, have you looked on the Stately Homes thread? It's a mine of advice and help for those with toxic parents: there will someone over there who has had a similar experience to you and be happy to hand-hold and offer advice (not me, my experience was a supremely self-centred father...)

There comes a point, though, when contact with a parent can do you far more harm than good. flowers

phlebasconsidered Tue 02-Jun-15 21:50:31

I will find the thread, thanks!
I didn't really register it as ea, but speaking to my sister this week we agreed that yes, a lot of growing up was weird. She just can't ever be wrong! And any defiance met with her managing her medical issues so she was hospitalised and you would get the blame.

My dad is lovely though. My step dad too, he is just stuck with her.

TRexingInAsda Tue 02-Jun-15 22:02:00

Wow, don't feel guilty at all. I'd cut off completely.

Meerka Wed 03-Jun-15 08:20:59

Mothers go to the core of whom we are.

But it sounds like you have a lovely dad and a bad excuse for a mean and manipulative mother.

I'd stick with your dad, in your shoes.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 03-Jun-15 08:57:07

Inherently selfish and toxic people like your mother more often than not become inherently selfish and toxic grandparents as well, its of no surprise to me that she is no better with them. You probably hoped (against hope) that she would behave better with them this time around, am sorry but that was never going to happen.

You have a nice dad and his extended family; stick with them and cut your mother off without a second glance. Do not give her the power to hurt you anymore.

Do read the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages as well.

Lottapianos Wed 03-Jun-15 14:47:53

You have no need to feel guilty OP. She sounds like a dreadful person and a truly awful mother. You owe her nothing. Your relationship with your father is absolutely none of her business. Mothers like this (I have one too!) just cannot accept that you have grown up and are now an independent adult with your own life and your own right to make decisions. She can't get it and will never get it. You deserve much better than that.

I highly recommend counselling / psychotherapy. Having a parent like this seriously messes with your head and I have found professional help incredibly useful in untangling it all.

In the meantime, feel completely justified in going no contact if its what you feel you want to do x

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