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When do I have 'the talk' about moving from FWB to gf/bf?

(49 Posts)
harryjustshagsally Tue 02-Jun-15 17:42:12

I'm a very regular poster but I've name changed for this because my back story will out me.

So I had a ONS with a guy I instantly felt a connection with in November. I was in a very bad place due to a previous relationship and couldn't handle anything else. He asked me out on a date but we both screwed it up by communicating badly so it never happened.

Fast forward to 8 weeks ago and we hooked up again and this time have had a series of weekend and midweek dates. I thought he just wanted a FWB situation so have been having a lot of fun and have had no expectations. But recently there are a couple of things that have happened that have made me think he's more into me than a FWB. We have never discussed us or categorised us as anything. Anyway these are the things tha I have taken are signs;

He picked me up from the airport (a 3 hour round trip) knowing there was no chance of a shag because I had to get my dc's, he offered and I gave him repeated chances to get out of it but he did it smile

He spent from Friday to Monday morning with me over bank holiday weekend when dc's with their dad.

His best friend told my friend (I know how teenage this sounds!) that he never has girlfriends so he must be into me

We have arranged to go stay at my friends house and see a band next month

We have talked about taking a trip abroad together.

He was miffed and went very quiet when another guy asked me out on a date when we were in the pub together.

So I'm thinking that we are moving away from FWB to maybe a (albeit casual?) relationship and if we do this I want to establish a few boundaries, like better communication between us (it can be a few days between messaging and we can get our wires crossed with plans) and to state that I wouldn't want either of us to sleep with anyone else because of STD's. Do I sound a bit single white female? I can not imagine starting this convo without it sounding a bit weird tbh! I do really like him, im not looking for a long term commitment at all, but I do want a respectful arrangement between us IYSWIM. Then again i dont want to scare him off. Help!! Sorry it's so long.

NerrSnerr Tue 02-Jun-15 17:45:24

To be honest, if you

NerrSnerr Tue 02-Jun-15 17:46:54

Think having the talk is that scary maybe you aren't suited. I would just be honest, if he is scared off then you know he's not relationship material!

TheMagicToyshop Tue 02-Jun-15 17:51:05

In my past two relationships, we've had two levels of 'talk' - the exclusive talk and then the gf/bf one a month or so later. I know to some they seem like the same thing but to me the first talk comes with less expectations. So you can say 'I'm having lots of fun with you at the moment and because of that I don't really feel the need to see anyone else apart from you right now, what do you reckon?'

Whereas once you say you're 'in a relationship' you start wondering when you should think about meeting the family, and things generally start to lose the casual no expectations feel that you might be enjoying. I hope that makes sense?

holdyourown Tue 02-Jun-15 17:52:29

Not sure how old you are but perhaps you could just say 'would you like to have an exclusive relationship now because I would like to?"
job done smile

Zillie77 Tue 02-Jun-15 17:57:18

"I really dig you, do you want to be my boyfriend?" would work for me, but I am sort of a hippie.

harryjustshagsally Tue 02-Jun-15 17:57:33

Yep that makes total sense Magic. I think I'm looking for the exclusive talk, rather than the relationship. I've already met his dad accidentally grin but I don't want to get into the whole future stuff, I'd rather that be left unsaid. The thought of him having sex with someone else is not OK though.

Nerr - you are picking up on my anxiety about how well matched we are. On paper we are not at all, two VERY different lives and sets of circumstances but when we are in each others company we have such a good time and we get on really well. Same interests and tastes etc. Sigh.

Zillie77 Tue 02-Jun-15 17:58:11

I think he would subsequently ask what you meant by "boyfriend" and then you could elaborate.

harryjustshagsally Tue 02-Jun-15 18:01:12

I'm 8 years older, in my mid 30's and have my own house, a heavy job and dc's and a wanker of an abusive ex. I'm outing myself but fuck it.

He's a student who has none of the above.

Zillie - I do dig him and we are both hippies grin

runningoutofpatience Tue 02-Jun-15 20:10:27

Harry, I met a man under similar circumstances. 8 years younger, very different lifestyle etc, but amazing chemistry. It was only ever meant to be a casual fling but 5.5 years later we are married and expecting our second child. And I love him dearly. So just have the talk and see what happens.

SycamoreMum Tue 02-Jun-15 20:19:20

Slip him a note saying Do you want to be my boyfriend? (tick yes or no)


Just bring it up during one of your cosy chats when it feels 'natural'.

Bogeyface Tue 02-Jun-15 20:20:54

I suspect the reason you are nervous is because he might say "no, FWB is fine for me" and you feel terrible.

But the signs are there, so I would go with what hold said rather than getting heavy talking about a relationship. Being exclusive means the same as BF/GF doesnt it? Or am I hopelessly out of touch? There is a good chance of that grin

Bogeyface Tue 02-Jun-15 20:21:46

grin Sycamore that would have been something I could have done with H, he would have got it and laughed!

harryjustshagsally Tue 02-Jun-15 20:34:52

grin sycamore i might do that but via messenger, more modern wink

OK, so the consensus is to get drunk, say I hope you are not sleeping with anyone else and sloppily kick him under the table and say can it just be me and you thing but we don't talk about the future? I'll have to get some gin in, it's the only thing that loosens me up grin

Bogeyface Tue 02-Jun-15 20:39:14

A ginned up lush kicking him and saying "I hope you are not sleeping with anyone else and sloppily kick him under the table and say can it just be me and you thing but we don't talk about the future?"?

How romantic! grin

harryjustshagsally Tue 02-Jun-15 20:43:03

I'm not good at this am I? grin

My communication skills leave a lot to be desired.

Bogeyface Tue 02-Jun-15 20:45:56

I rarely suggest this on the basis that relationship stuff is better face to face, but in your instance, perhaps a text or FB message might be better!

harryjustshagsally Tue 02-Jun-15 20:48:12

Hmm, I do come across MUCH better in the written form than verbally. Thanks, bogey wink

Right, aaaargh. I have to compose...

harryjustshagsally Tue 02-Jun-15 20:49:25

Maybe I should just link to this thread and put an annoying 'Thoughts?' on the end!!

Bogeyface Tue 02-Jun-15 20:53:33

No!!!!!! dont link to this! That will make you look crazier than getting afloat to the tonsils on gin and then proposing grin

How about "Hey you! Been thinking about stuff and I wondered how you felt about us just seeing each other and not other people? It seems to be the way we are going so I just wondered what you thought about it smile"

Or something...

MorrisZapp Tue 02-Jun-15 20:54:04

I don't get this at all. I'm an old bird and in my day if you had lots of dates and started making longer range plans then the guy was your boyfriend.

Having to get drunk to ask your boyfriend not to sleep with anybody else seems so weird to me. It's the new American dating system isn't it. I blame tinder smile

Bogeyface Tue 02-Jun-15 20:54:21

Just dont tell him you love him if he says yes, word to the wise wink

Twinklestein Tue 02-Jun-15 20:54:32

I think you need to be careful, a student in his mid 20s taking on a woman in her 30s with kids, it's a bit of a long shot...

Bogeyface Tue 02-Jun-15 21:03:36

a student in his mid 20s taking on a woman in her 30s with kids, it's a bit of a long shot...


What about an independent woman in her early thirties with her own home and a good job "taking on" a penniless student who presumably will not be able to match her financial contribution for several years if things did get that far?

Zillie77 Tue 02-Jun-15 21:05:59

My relationship with my husband started out as a sexual tryst, but turned into a marvelous decades-long adventure. He is four years younger than I am. I think he was the first one to suggest we have a relationship. So glad he did that!!

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