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Not sure if I still want to be in a relationship with DP, but dread disrupting the DC

(10 Posts)
bobajob Tue 02-Jun-15 10:00:09

How do you know if it is worth the upset? My life isn't miserable but I'm not exactly happy, and I'm pretty sure if we didn't have kids we wouldn't still be together. The DC are perfectly happy but I can't imagine staying together just for them.

Lweji Tue 02-Jun-15 10:12:43

This is when you should talk to him about the relationship and either fix it or part ways before you start hating each other or look elsewhere end end up hurting more.

What do you think it's missing?

GoatsDoRoam Tue 02-Jun-15 10:15:09

Will your DC still have two loving parents if you split?
Do you think you and your DP can effectively co-parent?
Do you think it is better for the DC to grow up with two fairly happy parents in separate homes, or 2 parents in one home modelling a loveless marriage for them to emulate in adulthood?
What will it do to you morally to force yourself to stay in a marriage you don't want? How well do you think can you parent DC in that state of mind?

Lovingfreedom Tue 02-Jun-15 10:21:53

Make sure you are comparing realistic options. Co-parenting can work out just fine for everyone...but it's not like going back to being single with no kids and you're not going to walk into a new relationship with someone so much better

bobajob Tue 02-Jun-15 11:00:36

We mostly get along well and I think we could definitely co-parent effectively.

I know it wouldn't be like going back to being single with no kids, but also I can't imagine still being in this relationship in 10 years somehow.

What do you think it's missing?
I think we want different things in life. Some are practical things like I want to move back to my home town, I'd like more children, I'd like to get married - he doesn't. Some are more about ambition/aspiration.
We haven't had sex for months, barely at all since I was pregnant with our 1yo tbh, and I don't really want to. It feels like a chore I'd rather avoid.
He can be grumpy and moody, nothing terrible but just adds to my feelings of general dissatisfaction I think.

On the other hand, I know I am generally unhappy with things outside of our relationship - we've had some money issues in the last year, I don't like where we live. I don't how much of the relationship stuff would be better if all the other stuff was resolved.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 02-Jun-15 11:09:20

"I'm pretty sure if we didn't have kids we wouldn't still be together"

That says it all really. You cannot stay within this just because of these children; they should not be the glue that binds you and the man you are with together. The children will over time pick up on your unhappiness at home, they certainly see his moodiness and grumpiness and may perhaps even blame themselves.

Better to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable.

Also you'd like to get married and he does not; that is another area of fundamental incompatibility that is rarely resolved at all happily. There are other problem areas as well within your relationship as well, unless both of you are willing to put the work in its no point just dragging things out for the next year or five till you've really had enough of him.

GoatsDoRoam Tue 02-Jun-15 11:09:46

What happens when you two discuss all these issues?

Where to live, number of children, whether to get married, are all decisions to make as a couple.
Not having sex, being grumpy and moody, money troubles, are all issues to be discussed and resolved (or not) as a couple.

Have you had open conversations together about all these issues?

Different levels of ambition: now that comes down to individual personality traits, that you either can accept, or can't accept, and that's a personal decision.

You do sound unhappy, and also very unsure about what you want to pursue, so I hope you find your answer. I'd start with speaking to your husband about the things that are couple things, and maybe individually with a counsellor about your own inner conflicts.

Thymeout Tue 02-Jun-15 11:20:23

It sounds to me as if you're expecting the relationship to take the burden of all the other things that are making you discontented. A huge ask, even if you were in the honeymoon days. If you did something about them, it's v likely your relationship would improve as well.

Why do you think you would be happier as a single parent? You'd be adding a whole new set of difficulties to your life - less money, distressed children, guilt. Ten years down the line? Read the step boards. It's rarely plain sailing. Your new dp will have to be a step-dad, he may have dcs of his own. Your ex-dp will meet someone else. Your dcs will have a step-mother.

Don't even think of breaking up the family until you have done the very best you can to mend whatever is wrong. You made a choice to have dcs with your dp. It may or may not have been a mistake. But you owe it to them to put some effort into making the best of it before throwing in the towel. How do you know that this won't happen all over again with a new partner?

Lovingfreedom Tue 02-Jun-15 12:26:29

Personally I much prefer not living with my ex and co-parenting is a far better option from my perspective. The kids say they are happy with the arrangement too. However, with co-parenting you still have to base yourself near to the other parent, you're not completely free of them. The relationship you describe sounds boring and frustrating and if you can't see yourself in it in 10 years then why not make the break sooner than later. Especially important if you want a chance of meeting someone else to have more children with. It's not necessarily going to fall into place though and it is a tough call.

welshrarebitontheside Wed 03-Jun-15 21:28:16

I feel your pain! Currently having very similar dilemma have dc aged 4 and 1. I am reading too good to leave too bad to stay which is helping. And currently trialling a separation. Both of which i recommend. It is so very tough isn't it.

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