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Awkward situation with a 'friend'

(14 Posts)
kem92 Mon 01-Jun-15 18:31:28

So moving to a new country the only people I know are my bf’s friends. There is one girl (when I say girl, she’s late 30s) who I’ve been hanging out with a lot. However she constantly makes inappropriate comments.

She is single and has mentioned dating a few times but every time she does she brings up about my bf dating in the past. The other day was the worst. She was talking about how the city has a bigger ratio of single girls, than single men. She then started talking about my bf dating in the past. She said how he would find it easy to get loads of girls to go on dates and that he “could have had a different date every night of the week.” She made him sound like a serial dater – thankfully I know he isn’t.
It doesn’t annoy me that my bf dated in the past. We both know details of past relationships. However, I just find it so awkward when she speaks about it. It is like she has no filter and forgets who she is talking to. What does she really expect me to say in that situation? I would never say that to someone’s gf/bf. Obv it would be different if I was asking about him dating before but I am not. I know she doesn’t do it in a malicious manner – I think she just doesn’t think before she speaks.
I spoke to my bf about it (what she said, not about him dating obv) and he was quite confused about why she was saying that stuff. He didn’t need to justify dating to me. I told him that I am glad we are in a long term relationship because if we had only been together a few months what the friend said would have put me off but I know he is such a great guy. I should add that he was in an 8 year relationship prior to us and after they broke up he did date for a bit which is completely normal...

Also she’s made a lot of weird comments aside from that. There’s an age gap between my bf & I and she told me that her reaction to him when she found out my age was: “what the hell are you thinking?!” I told my bf this and he said that wasn’t true. She also told me she had met his ex gf when she hasn’t. And she made comments like “if anything were to happen between D and I, it would have years ago.” Who the hell says that. My bf and her never had anything going on so it’s absolutely not appropriate. I have actually come to the conclusion that she fancies my bf.

I don't want people to get the wrong impression of my SO because of her. He wouldn’t be paying $6,000+ for my immigration if he was a douche. I just don’t know how to handle her bizarre behaviour.

My SO offered to tell the friend to stop bringing up past dating but I don’t want to cause any tension and want to handle it myself. Anyone have any tips?

pocketsaviour Mon 01-Jun-15 18:35:08

It sounds like
A: She has no filter between her brain and her mouth
B: She desperately fancies your OH and is wildly envious of you.

The next time she starts on one, I would say "You know what, I think I have heard enough stories about OH's single life. Let's talk about you. How's the job/studies/dog?"

If she doesn't take the hint, I'd probably just drop her. Too tiring.

kem92 Mon 01-Jun-15 18:36:32

Yeah, after talking to my SO yesterday about everything she has said we both think that she fancies him. I mentioned it before but he brushed it off as there was no 'evidence' she did but when we put everything she's said together it makes sense.

YellowTulips Mon 01-Jun-15 18:44:10

Just feign total boredom when she brings it up. When she ends her diatribe just say you drifted off a bit - then change the subject.

Or be direct and use the MN "do you mean to be so rude? Why do you think I want to talk about this?"

confusedoflondon Mon 01-Jun-15 18:44:48

I don't think she fancies him I just think she is staking her claim as his mate with 'banter' which perhaps if she was a man, you'd feel less sensitive about. I think PP was correct just tell her you've heard enough and change subject til she gets the message.

ALaughAMinute Mon 01-Jun-15 18:58:09

I think she fancies him and is trying to stir up some trouble. She doesn't sound like a very nice person so it might be better to keep your distance her from her from now on.

SomethingOnce Mon 01-Jun-15 20:42:48

Was she not just trying to compliment your bf, and by extension you, when she made the remark about his date-ability?

Maybe reassure you she's now over the age thing, and about their friends relationship?

If you weren't as cool with her as you say, I can imagine you might interpret things she says the way you have.

Or you might be spot on.

Difficult to say without being there.

MMcanny Mon 01-Jun-15 21:02:06

Are you older or younger than bf? You do sound threatened by her, whether with good reason or not. Why is he paying your 6K and why do you think this is an important point to mention, can't work out if you think it's a good thing but I'd feel bought and want to pay it myself. Maybe she was saying the thing 'if anything was going to happen it would have' to reassure you she wasn't trying to get in his pants - have you given the impression you think she was? And 'he could have anyone' is she's maybe wondering what's going on that he feels the need to 'buy' a bride in this way, maybe she is concerned that you're not a good match - are you a young bit of totty or an old matronly type that she just finds it inexplicable? Either way it sounds like she gets on your wick so I'd maybe not spend so much time with her. You say your relationship is long term so not sure if you've been living together elsewhere or it's been a long distance thing but if you're in a new place now you're bound to make friends of your own and don't need to worry about this one and can let it drift.

kem92 Mon 01-Jun-15 21:20:13

@MMcanny - he is not 'buying' a bride. He worked in the UK for 3+ years as an expat and we met through friends. We built up a great relationship, he had to move back to Canada this year and we wanted to continue our relationship so I have moved to Canada.
The immigration process I have to go through is common-law/spousal/family sponsorship - he is sponsoring me to live there so HE has to pay for our sponsorship application.
Also I cannot work while I am waiting for my residency so he supporting me financially until I get my work visa in Autumn.

I am younger - by 10 years so nothing out of the ordinary.

kem92 Tue 02-Jun-15 04:37:58

Sooo an update...Bf told me tonight that he came back the first Christmas him and I started dating, met his friend for coffee & when he mentioned me she was really off about it. He spoke to his friend that he was staying with at the time and he said "maybe she fancies you."

This basically confirms to me that she fancied/s him and maybe she thought that when he came back from the UK something could happen, then I came along.

GrumpleMe Tue 02-Jun-15 07:12:55

As long as you and your BF are on the same page, I wouldn't worry about it. Just distance yourselves and limit the interactions you have with her. Hopefully she will move on soon enough.

LazyLouLou Tue 02-Jun-15 09:03:59

OK. So now you have worked it out. She is trying to tell you she has known him longer than you and so, in her mind, you will always be inferior, a kem-come-lately.

You can now proceed to feel sorry for her, to see her reminiscing as a sad attempt to regain her youth and a relationship that never existed.

When you get bored with that you can stop seeing her, if you want!

Joysmum Tue 02-Jun-15 09:10:14

Lazy that's an excellent way to look at it.

Either way, this is like MIL situations where any corrections need to come from him, not you. wink

Meerka Tue 02-Jun-15 09:12:07

Keep communicating a lot with your OH here. It sounds like you're rock solid but she's clearly not taking the loss of her hopes gracefully and if enough strange things are said, occasionally in situations like this a wedge can be driven between people. I'm sure it won't happen but just as a good idea, both of you keep communicating.

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