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Is this emotional abuse?

(51 Posts)
Wearit Mon 01-Jun-15 14:38:52

Hi all, this thread is inspired by another thread whereby a woman was describing her obvious emotional and physical abuse. I have a few examples to give and I really am unsure if it is emotional abuse or whether I am being sensitive or we are just incompatible:

1. Regularly complains about the untidiness of the house if things are not put away in rightful place. Nb: the house is immaculate, there might be the odd letter I have not filed away but this hardly resonates the need to shout 'what the eff is this?!!!' under breath from time to time. For context, I work part time. When I eventually got a cleaner in to help, he found this ridiculous as the woman had multiple children and more on her plate than me, with one DD. I cancelled the cleaner. When he was away for the weekend just gone, he came back and started tidying up, rather than just dropping everything to catch up with DD and I - even though the house was tidy!
2. He will not put me on deeds of house. There is no mortgage but I pay majority of my earnings to family pot so do not have a nest egg for myself.
3. He is dissatisfied with our lives together, constantly says he is bored-nothing to do, he wants excitement and adventure. He steps up his grumpiness levels if I do not comply with his idea for a major life change. It makes me feel I must agree to keep the peace but then I get in a tangle as I am agreeing to something I do not want to do and therefore making the problem worse as it then becomes my fault.
4. He resents that we 'always visit my family' - when we see his all the time (pretty much daily)and he has only been to my parents house once a year for many years at Christmas. Says I am attached to my mum's apron strings (she looks after DD while I work on a Friday).
5. When I do not agree with DH's future life plans, he compares me to my brother (in a derogatory way), who does not drive and needs a lot of support from my mum. He also says I am ready to wind down and retire as I don't share his dream for an adventurous life.
6. Can be cold if not getting regular sex.
7. Constantly on phone or iPad instead of engaging with DD.
8. Gets frustrated with me as 'I never see what needs doing.' He also once shouted at me that I was like a child as I asked him if British Gas read the meter or if we need to.
9. Has in the past been with me in a city and allowed me to lead the way (knowing I was going wrong), to laugh at my lack of direction afterwards.
10. Will take me to the cinema to see what he wants to watch but then gives me 'the look' at my film choice and says it is more of a DVD viewing.

There are good things about DH as I wouldn't be with him otherwise. The above does not happen all the time either, but I have to say I have eventually become very drained - even though the above is nowhere as bad as others have described. I feel I will never be able to please him and my self esteem has taken a battering. I feel so numb inside.

Please let me have your viewpoints on this.

Thanks for reading.

gatewalker Mon 01-Jun-15 14:41:52

Yes. This is abuse. No two ways about it.

Madlizzy Mon 01-Jun-15 14:41:58

He really doesn't sound very nice and bullies you. The plus side is that you can choose to not stay him.

workingtoohardmum Mon 01-Jun-15 14:45:38

Yes this is abuse ...start making some plans ..the financial side of your story is leaving you in a particularly vulnerable position. very worrying

workingtoohardmum Mon 01-Jun-15 14:48:22

He belittles and bullies and prevents you from being you, and this keeps you under his control..Once you make a break from him you will see this more clearly .

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 01-Jun-15 14:52:33

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE. Abuse is not just physical; its emotional, financial, verbal and he's doing all of those to you.

Its all therefore very bad and those bad points are well outweighed by any supposed "good" points he has as well. He is not a good H or father to his child if he treats you so poorly. Look at what your DD is seeing as well, she sees your reactions both spoken and unspoken to her dad and his overt nastiness to you.

Abusive men are also not nasty all the time; they can do nice and nasty very well but its a continuous cycle. You're trapped in the cycle of abuse; there is usually niceness before the next storm hits and you're always on the lookout for it.

Is this really what you want to teach your DD about relationships, would you want her to have a man in her life out of a similar mould to your H?. You're showing her that at present this is acceptable to you and your only option going forward is to infact leave him.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 01-Jun-15 14:57:34

Whether you consider it abusive or not, it doesn't sound like a lot of fun.

You refer to him as DH - are you legally married? Not being on the deeds is not a particularly big deal if you are, but a massive one if you aren't.

Personally I'd be inclined to let him go and have his life of adventure and send you a postcard from wherever.

twistletonsmythe Mon 01-Jun-15 15:05:22

yes it is - but if you are married then it doesn't matter if you aren't on the deeds. I would see a solicitor if I were you.

But even if it weren't abuse - if you aren't happy then you can still divorce. You don't need awful reasons to end a relationship - unhappiness is sufficient.

twistletonsmythe Mon 01-Jun-15 15:07:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

missqwerty Mon 01-Jun-15 15:45:25

I'd say he is abusive yes. It's alk a bit extreme. He is blaming and abusing you for his lack of zest in life. I'd personally think about leaving if he doesn't change.

Be prepared if he leaves for him to beg and plead, then turn nasty and to move on with somebody else... then 18 months or so down the line this someone else will either get abused when the infatuation wears off or he will realise it wasn't your responsibility to provide his zest for life and he will be full of regrets. Well that's my experience anyway!!

Wearit Mon 01-Jun-15 19:20:50

It is just so sad the way it has turned out - i would never imagined it would be like this or I would end up separated. DH has actually been consistently ok for a good month now but I feel so damaged. I find it difficult to get to sleep in the same bed as him. Also afraid to leave as we have been together since teen age and out families are so linked and people will accuse me of being a gold digger, such is the attitude of women in these parts hmm

Wearit Mon 01-Jun-15 19:21:19


Wearit Mon 01-Jun-15 19:23:52


Tequilashotfor1 Mon 01-Jun-15 19:25:51

He sounds like a bully.

Dont let him treat you like this. And your dd will grow up thinking this is how men are supposed to treat women.

ClareAbshire Mon 01-Jun-15 19:31:45

He sounds very controlling.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Mon 01-Jun-15 19:35:59

Who cares if other people think that you're a gold-digger? They don't know you or what it's like to have a relationship with this man. Same goes for family: they might think he's bloody marvelous but that could just be a mask he's wearing for other people's benefit, it slips for you as you're seeing the real him all of the time.

Honestly, from what you've described he sounds like a right wanker.

Start salting some money away immediately. If you ultimately decide not to leave you've still got that little bit of a safety-net.

You don't need anyone else's permission or any good reason to end this marriage other than it's making you miserable and you want out of it. If you want to leave, then just make your mind up and go, see a solicitor and have it ended.

MistakesWereMade Mon 01-Jun-15 19:36:30

he sounds abusive and if you are married with children not being on the deeds is not a problem a good solicitor should be able to sort that out

LumpySpacedPrincess Mon 01-Jun-15 19:44:01

Yes, it's abuse. The financial side of it is worrying, did he own the house before you moved in? Do you have anyone to confide in in real life? I am sure someone else sees hi for what he is, a bully.

Wearit Mon 01-Jun-15 19:45:56

No we moved in together and were married when he bought it

LumpySpacedPrincess Mon 01-Jun-15 19:51:36

He is not treating you like an equal. Is there anyone you can talk to? Relationships like this don't improve, they generally get worse.

vladimpaler Mon 01-Jun-15 20:00:30

Abuse...such a dramatic and overused word nowadays.

1) This is not abuse. Abuse is: "treat with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly"

2) This is not to say that happens is fair, or right. It is not. Unfortunately; people like this are not uncommon.

3) It sounds to me very much like your other half suffers from being a bit of a selfish pr*ck. Quite self-centred, moans when he does not get his own way, not committing himself (the deeds on the house thing would for me be a 'make or break' thing for me). Like too may people, he sounds like he wants it both ways - and the flighty 'let's change my life by moving to x and doing y' is a big red warning. People like that find it hard to 'settle' for anything - and that is a bad thing; as this makes them (in my limited experience) much more prone to making very unfortunate and selfish decisions, that they regret at their leisure.

It is very easy for us to sit here and say 'leave him' - but much, much harder to do. He is not an abuser; but he is a selfish tool - something that more and more of us seem to be in some way shape or form as time goes on, and as expectation levels (of material wealth, looks etc) are ever increased by the media.

vladimpaler Mon 01-Jun-15 20:01:29

"No we moved in together and were married when he bought it"

You will be entitled to some of it then. You should certainly get tough on that!

ovumahead Mon 01-Jun-15 20:04:48

Why aren't you on the deeds for the house? This is very, very weird and a very vulnerable position for you to be in financially. I would seek legal advice about this asap. All the other stuff - yes, emotional abuse, he's bullying you as others have said. It doesn't sound like a happy marriage to me. What do you want to do?

twistletonsmythe Mon 01-Jun-15 20:08:44

Vlad - you need to educate yourself regarding emotional and financial abuse. You are quite frankly spouting utter shit.

Wearit Mon 01-Jun-15 20:13:17

I feel guilty for writing this as he being a good partner at the moment.

On the other hand - I believe I would be happier on my own but am scared to call it a day as I am afraid of his reaction believe it or not!

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