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so upset.

(48 Posts)
IreallyKNOWiamright Mon 01-Jun-15 05:23:19

last night my dh told me if I don't take responsibility for my role as a housewife, and accept life how it is then we are finished.
I find life really hard. I have a chronic illness, he doesn't support me as he should, and tonight has made me realise do I actually want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't support me emotionally. I am scared of going alone but I can't be with someone who won't even support me by not getting a cleaner because he thinks I can be 'lazy'.how the argument started. He has been with me for 16 years so should know how my illness affects me.
As I said the other day, I think he has had his head turned. He is not the man I used to know anymore and this is a way 'out'.
any advice shall I suggest a trial separation. Or just accept we have both changed, I do hate being at home, I hate relying on him, and his money and I think he sees it all as an insult, but he is pursuing his dream, his career, where what have I got I even had to give up my volunteering for a bloody treatment because it suppresses my immune system and I have only been doing that a year. And what if the treatment doesn't work as nothing else bloody has. I am waiting for information on counselling but I think it's too late. I am crying writing this.

WhereIsMYJonathanSmith Mon 01-Jun-15 05:48:02

Well, I only know that it would be totally soul destroying to continue in a relationship like that.

Go and see a solicitor, CAB, find out what you would be entitled to. It is easier to make a decision when you have as much information as possible.

What are your living arrangements, do you own or rent?

IreallyKNOWiamright Mon 01-Jun-15 05:54:51

yes I will do that. We own the house but he won't leave he said if I cannot decide to change then I have to go. I have nothing. I have never worked, I have just applied on line for some jobs in September when the new store opens. Whether I get them or not is another thing because of my lack of experience. I am a bit concerned about going to cab because they are all his work colleagues unless I go under my maiden name.

dollius Mon 01-Jun-15 06:00:26

Do you have DC? How does he expect you to change? You are ill, you can't change that. I think you are right, he wants out but wants to make it your fault. Whatever you do, do not leave your home.

WhereIsMYJonathanSmith Mon 01-Jun-15 06:01:21

Can you go to one in another town? I understand how awkward it is if you are known. I had a similar problem when I was trying to leave my Ex.

You don't have to go, you do know that? You can start divorce proceedings while you live there. It will no doubt be most unpleasant but it is possible. I did. I virtually lived in my bedroom the whole time but I survived!

Get as many free appointments with solicitors as you can. Once they have given you advice they then cannot act for your H.

ItsRainingInBaltimore Mon 01-Jun-15 06:08:11

Are you saying that you are a SAHM (or just a stay at home wife) who is unable to keep the house decent because of your illness? How bad is the house? If it's that bad because you are physically unable to do it, then how are you going to be able to do a job in retail, on your feet all day? It's hard to know whether he is being completely unreasonable or not, without knowing more about what you do manage to do - maybe he feels that you manage to be well enough to do the things that suit you, but not well enough to pull your weight in other areas while he works?

If your health is so bad that you cannot keep the house in a reasonable state then shouldn't you be able to claim DLA and use it to pay for a cleaner yourself?

IreallyKNOWiamright Mon 01-Jun-15 06:16:37

I could go to another town. I am not even a loud a say at council meetings or complaints despite being a resident because of his job. Not that I am interested but it does annoy me. He has become so arrogant and to like his work colleagues. Don't they say you become like the 5 people you spend your time with.

I have one dc. She is so good she knows daddy is being a git I have very strong little girl.

he hasn't been sympathetic either as a family member recently died. Even though it was predicted by doctors I am really upset about that as I really related to them. He has shown no emotion despite it being his family.

I will go to the solicitor that did our wills, as they are top company. And i know will help.

IreallyKNOWiamright Mon 01-Jun-15 06:25:31

I do keep the house in a reasonable state but he had his mum picked up after him and he is not helping me by clearing up after himself or helping me teach my daughter to tidy.
I do see where he is coming from, but I have got to a point where it would be nice to be shown some appreciation for the effort I make. By both of them also helping and respecting me.
I have had DLA for a while, but I am concerned with all the changes that despite my issues I may not get it when they asses me in the autumn. I forgot retail would be a lot of standing. oh well.
Despite the DLA he is still reluctant for me getting a cleaner. He sees it as 'his'' 'our' money but it's there to help me and I need to use it whilst I still get it.

Lweji Mon 01-Jun-15 07:07:10

He sounds like a right bastard.

Do get legal advice about staying or leaving. But worst case, it sounds like if you left you'd still be better on without having another mess making person at home and your DLA all to yourself.

kittensinmydinner Mon 01-Jun-15 07:29:31

How is the day split up with childcare/housework OP ? Who gets your dcs breakfast ready for school, takes her etc. what do you do during the day/evening. ? You say you have never worked, is that never since baby or never ever ?

DrMorbius Mon 01-Jun-15 07:52:45

last night my dh told me if I don't take responsibility for my role as a housewife, and accept life how it is then we are finished

Sounds like a charmer. He sounds arrogant and entitled and he clearly thinks he holds all the cards. We own the house but he won't leave he said if I cannot decide to change then I have to go he has not thought that statement through. Does he intend to take on the childcare responsibility? I doubt it.

Sadly it sounds as though he may be on his way out of the marriage (in his mind).

Firstly you need to get legal advice (go and get as many free sessions as you can). Things such as staying/leaving the house may not be in his control. You need to be in a position of understanding your rights.

I read a great statement on here the other day. You must understand (and make him understand if it comes to it) that no assumptions of the future should be made. He may assume you will carry on the childcare, he may assume you will not work full time. Those are decisons made in a partnership and are null and void if you seperate.

Once you understand your legal standing, you need to decide if (and under what circustances) you want to try and "save" your marriage.

Penfold007 Mon 01-Jun-15 08:07:12

I've read your other posts. Do either of you really want to stay in the marriage?

IreallyKNOWiamright Mon 01-Jun-15 08:26:51

I've been holding hope that he will change. But He is not the man I met anymore. Work has changed him, I am being told I am the one who's changed and needs to be happy. As we have said because he has probably had head turned.
I have told him, I need to be supported emotionally, and where as I will always love him, I need someone to understand the every day struggles of this illness, who will not hesitate to come to appointments with me, I go to all appointments myself, and I get really down when I see other couples supporting each other when I am waiting. I am tired of doing this myself.
He doesn't want trial separation but won't help me emotionally.
I think I will be taking your advice about the legal advice.

BeaufortBelle Mon 01-Jun-15 08:38:57

OP can I just ask what your illness is please and how old your daughter is. Is it really so that you have never ever worked at all?

My husband has never attended a medical appointment with me because he is at work and it is not something I would expect him to do.

Your husband sounds unsympathetic.

IreallyKNOWiamright Mon 01-Jun-15 09:34:20

I have RA. and have had it since I was a teenager. I have worked once for two years but even then found it difficult - but being at home makes me feel really trapped because I am a people person. And I am starting to accept that I will never have the career I wanted but it makes me really angry that I cannot even be the home maker I want to be too. I feel like I am missing out and have 'missed' out.
DD is junior school age. she is about to join a club for children whose parents have disabilities which I am pleased about it means she will get support with her frustrations about mummy's illness.

IthoughtATMwasacashpoint Mon 01-Jun-15 10:57:00

DLA is money given to you to make your life easier as you have a disability. If this can be done by getting a cleaner then do it. It is not for him to decide how you spend your money.

He sounds like an arrogant bully. You do not have to do as he says.

Please get legal advice and see what your entitlements are.

twistletonsmythe Mon 01-Jun-15 11:54:45

he sounds vile. I would see a solicitor and work towards making him leave. What an abhorrent way to treat you. Has he always been this abusive?

IreallyKNOWiamright Mon 01-Jun-15 12:25:18

no he hasn't. it's only since he has been working with this new company, and become very senior. And from meeting his colleagues - I am afraid to say they are being a very negative influence on him. He blames me saying it's my insecurities and not accepting myself. But he is moody, lazy and always on social media. I never get a smile in the morning or a hug, and as soon as I am out of bed he is straight on his phone.
If I am honest I really think he has done something and this is his way out because he cannot cope with the guilt.

yesterday, I was out in the garden doing jobs HE should have done weeks ago. I shouldn't even be doing them with my condition but it was pissing me off each time I drove on to the drive.

he was on twitter from 2.30 until tea time doing something, then he fell asleep then he was back on his phone. I was so angry because I had spent all that time in the garden struggling. But he won't get a gardner either or do it himself. And then get this- said I was being mean shouting at him for not doing anything.

Viviennemary Mon 01-Jun-15 12:34:45

It just simply isn't working out for either of you. But I can see that it's difficult for you to leave. Of course you should be able to get a cleaner if you can't manage the housework because of disability. That's what DLA is for. And you shouldn't be gardening either. Honestly he sounds very selfish. You have three options. One carry on as you are. (No) Two get a cleaner and if that's not possible then 3 Start divorce proceedings but don't leave the house. And get legal advice.

twistletonsmythe Mon 01-Jun-15 12:41:25

sounds like an OW tbh - and he is justifying it by slagging you off. Horrid excuse of a man.

Half hour free appointment with a solicitor?

Owllady Mon 01-Jun-15 12:45:48

The dla is to help you with the extra costs of your disability and in my opinion this could include a cleaner, a home help type person. You are in ill health, he's being a bastard

Penfold007 Mon 01-Jun-15 13:19:34

Sounds like he's already checked out of your relationship, perhaps there is an OW. Time to start considering your options.

IreallyKNOWiamright Mon 01-Jun-15 13:44:17

I keep thinking to myself, that it is an ow, then thinking no he wouldn't he isn't that type but 'who' is.
however, despite illness. I am not stupid, I have been with this man for sixteen years. His behaviour has been appalling, he keeps having last minute meetings and meetings that are not in his job description. Tonight he has 'another' last minute meeting. And his excuse was he didn't know because he had some time off but he has his diary with him and he has a diary on his work I pad which he brings home all the time!!
So how many agree with me yesterday he was messaging ow. And now tonight they are meeting. I do feel my gut instinct is right. He is also being all sweet with me in his phone call at lunch time and sending me message after wards, so I think he is feeling guilty about something...

dollius Mon 01-Jun-15 14:09:58

He really doesn't give a fuck about you, does he? You deserve a lot better than this twat.

First off, get a cleaner with your DLA money. Next, get thee to a lawyer and file for divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Point number One being financial abuse, esp if he kicks off about the DLA money and tries to restrict your money in other ways.

Fecking hate aseholes like this. RA is a seriously painful condition and he lay around watching you garden? FFS.

IreallyKNOWiamright Mon 01-Jun-15 15:57:14

he was in side lying on sofa not watching me but still bad behaviour

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