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Jealous and sad with partner away. Why?

(27 Posts)
MrsGills Sun 31-May-15 23:16:21

My partner of 9 months is working away in Asia for a month.
I'm normally confident and happy with my life and my relationship.
He has been messaging and sending pics of what he is doing but I feel like I'm really jealous of the work colleague he is with and the fact he appears that he is enjoying himself. He never drinks alcohol while he is here and he is drinking in every pic he sends. I'm confused to why I feel like this. It feels like he has shown me one side to him while he is here but is different while away. I don't know why I'm posting this. Maybe I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and man up! Lol

molyholy Sun 31-May-15 23:42:42

Not meaning to minimise your feelings, but what is the weather like where he is? I would be mega jealous if my dh was sending me pics of him sunning himself in stunning locations and drinking cheap booze for a month. It could be as simple as that with no underlying sinister reason. Don't worry and just be happy he is having a good time, but demand an ace gift from duty free on his return wink. You might feel sad because your simply missing him. Easier to miss someone more who is on the other side of the world, than if they were working on the other side of the country.

MrsGills Sun 31-May-15 23:46:36

It's red hot over there. I'm already sick of the pool pics, bar pics. All pics. And the fact the colleague is in every one. And always drinking!! Grrr!
I'm kind of surprised I feel that strongly about it. I didn't think I would be that bothered! Lol

Gorgonzolacherry Mon 01-Jun-15 00:17:57

I know it's hard but try not to be bothered. It's so important for a healthy relationship to be happy for one another. Imagine if the roles were reversed. I bet you'd want him to be happy for you. That's the cool way to be. It's sweet he's keeping you updated. Very, very sweet to be sending all those photos. Enjoy that x

AmyElliotDunne Mon 01-Jun-15 00:30:49

I'm imagining that the colleague is a pretty woman?

If so, of course you're jealous. Him sending pics of himself enjoying what appears to be a holiday with a woman who isn't you, I would hate that!

I know some people are all cool about their DP having female friends and "if you trust him it's not an issue" bla bla bla. I trust my DP. I would just hate to think of him having fun and enjoying a great location without me. Sharing memories and having exciting new experiences with someone else. And constantly having it shoved in your face must be very uncomfortable.

Try to remember that it's not all fun, they will presumably be doing some work while they're there too and, presuming they didn't get to choose who else went, they couldn't help being thrust together and are just making the most of it.

It's a good sign that he's keeping in contact with you and being open about who he's spending time with. He doesn't want you to feel left out. Let him know you wish you were there and that you're finding it hard, but that you appreciate him keeping you in the loop. If he goes quiet, that's when you should really feel uncomfortable.

AmyElliotDunne Mon 01-Jun-15 00:34:37

And the drinking thing, I totally understand. My DP doesnt drink as a rule, so I rarely drink either. However, if I go out with my friends I get absolutely plastered! It's like the one opportunity I get, I make the most of it.

And when he is out on work things or with his boss, he feels the pressure to join in with drinking as people seem to be suspicious of you if you don't drink and he likes to grease the social wheels a bit. He almost sees it as a chore, that he's going to have to drink to fit in, but actually I think he probably does enjoy himself when he lets his hair down.

Are you worried that if he's drinking his inhibitions will be lowered? Or just worried that you don't really know the real him?

MrsGills Mon 01-Jun-15 01:22:49

He always said he didn't drink. In the whole time I've know him, he has drank a total of three pints. (Two separate occasions). It's just weird. Seeing him in photos with others, by the pool and in bars, quite often drinking and seemingly loving it.
I do trust him but I worry do I really know him :/
It's making me feel quite insecure and I had worked a lot on my self esteem (after my marriage broke down)... And haven't felt insecure for a long time. Now this insecure feeling is back, I don't like it! Lol

Muslim786 Mon 01-Jun-15 02:08:36

Don't let your whole life revolve around your spouse and what they are doing. Use this month to concentrate on the stuff that interests you, like reading a book or whatever it might be in your case. This way your feelings of jealousy will also be put on the back burner. You got to be your own person. You have to own yourself.

yearofthegoat Mon 01-Jun-15 05:20:46

I am guessing the peer pressure or the expense account is the reason for the drinking OP. The alcohol and rich hotel meals will catch up with him at some point and he will change his ways I suspect.

My DH is away working a lot and I get stories of rooftop bars and nice weekend days out. I get pictures too, but they're usually more blurry mountain walk or bad tempered camel than fancy pool and bar.

I have got used to the months apart and I do know DH would rather be at home than stuck in a hotel room. I keep busy working, I have joined a gym, I take the opportunity to watch tv programs and films I know he wouldn't enjoy. It will pass OP, try to keep busy and lead your own life. You will then have plenty to talk about when he returns.

MrsGills Mon 01-Jun-15 06:31:34

I know it's purely my own insecurities and I have a list of things to do while he is away, so im not short of ideas to keep busy. It's the photos that really bug me. I wouldn't want him to be miserable and stuck in his room... Of course not.
Ill keep busy and see how the the next few weeks go!
The whole feeling jealous thing is just not me usually :/

Iggly Mon 01-Jun-15 06:40:04

How do you he's not drinking non alcoholic stuff?

Has he mentioned this colleague before?

What are your own insecurities about?

MrsGills Mon 01-Jun-15 06:54:43

It's alcoholic beer.
I knew she was going on the trip too. She is younger than me and very pretty but she is not his type, and vice versa! It's just the constant drinking photos with her in every pic that's wearing thin! Lol

allyjay Mon 01-Jun-15 07:47:13

Personally I think he's being a little bit insensitive here with the constant pics of himself drinking with his younger female colleague. There's wanting to keep you in the loop and then there's rubbing your nose in it. I'm thinking the latter. Would he be deliberately trying to make you jealous? My opinion? He's either being totally insensitive or trying to make you feel insecure. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

FrogGreen Mon 01-Jun-15 07:58:47

could you just ask him? in a friendly, slightly jokey way "hey the whole time I've known you you've drunk three quarters of a point of half strength lager and now you're quite the boozer, is work going that badly?" Let him explain rather than fretting over it?

yearofthegoat Mon 01-Jun-15 08:20:20

DH wouldn't send me any pictures of young pretty colleagues unless they were group shots. It isn't the done thing and it would make me rather miffed. Can you ask him why he does it?

JeanSeberg Mon 01-Jun-15 08:44:27

You've not been together that long - 9 months - as you say, how well do you really know him? I'd proceed with caution.

SlaggyIsland Mon 01-Jun-15 09:13:03

I'd be a bit miffed as well. My DH works away a lot, for quite long periods, but it tends to be pretty full-on and not much time for more than dinner and a quick pint with colleagues. If he was lounging round the pool and sending me pictures that always had one female colleague in shot, I'd find it upsetting and insensitive.

happywiththis Mon 01-Jun-15 09:27:53

I can totally understand how you feel.
Send him some pics of your own? So he knows you're having fun too. I fall into the trap of being quite jealous & clingy too - but it doesnt help to make a relationship happy & balanced...
Call him & even send him a card in the post if it would get to him in time? just saying you're missing him & cant wait for him to get home safe...
try to resist the anxious jealous interrogations...for both of your sakes... although a gentle 'didnt know you like to drink generally?' wouldnt harm..!

Allofaflumble Mon 01-Jun-15 12:22:32

Another one who thinks he's being very insensitive.! As for feeling jealous and insecure I think you would have to be totally thick skinned to not be so. Don't get into a texting drama though as it will eat you up.

MrsGills Sun 07-Jun-15 11:30:11

An update... We've chatted about things and he is struggling with feeling homesick. He's back home in a fortnight. He said he is trying to come out of his shell and making an effort to socialise which he never does here. I'm proud that he is not shutting himself away in his room.
I feel calmer about he while situation now but I feel I'm being overly worried and obsessive. I tend to check my phone way too much and noticed he was chatting on whatsapp but not to me. I need to get a grip! It's making me loose weight this week with worry and I realise it's totally irrational.
I never thought I'd be like this! :/

yearofthegoat Mon 08-Jun-15 12:48:07

Who is he chatting to on Whatsap when he isn't chatting to you? Has he told you who it is? It doesn't matter that he is on Whatsap but it does matter if he is being secretive about it or if he is not giving you at least the same amount of attention.

SleeplessButNotInSeattle Mon 08-Jun-15 13:46:05

Maybe he's not drinking too much, but feels he needs to hold a glass up for every photo?
It is a bit wierd if just the two of them in EVERY photo but the openness makes me think it's innocent. I am close to a male colleague, we call him my work husband but actually he's one of my best friends, there's absolutely no romantic feelings there!
But I tend to talk to him / sit near him over others in the team in a social situation because I can be myself without being judged.

MrsGills Mon 08-Jun-15 18:42:41

He uses whatsapp to arrange when to meet his colleague for dinner etc. I have no idea who else is on his whatsapp.

honeyroar Mon 08-Jun-15 19:56:43

Stop worrying. He's missing you. He's spending time with the only people he knows over there. Sitting round a pool because there's not much else to do ata hotel. I'm cabin crew, I do that every week. Just because I'm enjoying myself doesn't mean I can't wait to get home to DH. He's staying in touch, he's homesick. Worry if he's saying he loves it and wants to stay forever.. Get out and get busy yourself. He will be home in no time.

MrsGills Tue 09-Jun-15 02:10:02

Well. He has a depressive episode two months ago when he had a bit of a breakdown and said he couldn't cope being in a relationship. After this, we talked a lot and made some plans to help him. He worked on things with me and then made out he was feeling a lot better. I got a missed call tonight and when I rang him back he had a similar breakdown. He said he feels worthless and wants to be on his own. Cannot function and feels he would be better totally alone (have has no friends or family) and going back to his life where he spend every minute of his time isolated. He said he is sorry and never wanted to hurt me but he can't do it. He was hyperventilating having a panic attack half way thorough the call. He said his family are all messed up and he is just a looser and I deserve to be happy. And that he has tried hiding his depression and making out he is fine but it goes in waves and he is at rock bottom. I said he should have been open with how he feels. He was crying. I was crying.
All I can think of is that we were lovely together before this depression hit and I'm grateful he never met my kids. And I thought I understood him.
I told him that he needs to complete his job out there (he will be back in 10 days) and I will keep in touch as a concerned friend.
A bit bowled for six. I know I was whinging and I can't face trying to work on things... Only to be dumped again when summat minor happens. Thank his nothing major kicked off or god forbid I got preggers!
I feel his issue of childhood neglect have affected him deeply and he truly feels worthless. It's tragic really sad

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