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Sister in abusive relationship & child protection

(8 Posts)
Name1change Sun 31-May-15 20:20:19

I'm very worried about this situation so please excuse me if the post isn't very eloquent.

My DSis met a man a couple of years ago. They began to see each other but after him treating her very badly it broke off. Since then, the man has persistently persued my sister. She rejected his advances until late last year when they began dating again.

There were a lot of alarm bells about the relationship. My sister moved into his family home after only dating for two months. His home is away from all of my sister's family and friends. The man manipulated and isolated my sister; all of her existing friendships were put down by him and she stopped communicating with friends. When we, her family, called her he was always there listening in and often being rude chipping in. On a couple of occasions, he refused to allow us to speak to my sister.

Three weeks ago I received a call from my sister in the middle of the night absolutely distraught. She had packed her bags and left. However, by the time I got to her she had been speaking to the man on the phone for two hours and decided to go back. A few days later, the relationship broke down again and my sister revealed a lot more including that when she had tried to leave this man he had hidden her phone and car keys from her. Worse still, he restrained her against her will with his knee on her chest and her arms crossed over.

Since then, his family told her to leave the family home as they were offended when she left in the middle of the night and that hurt the whole family apparently hmm . His family have convinced my sister that it was her behaviour that was at fault, and she now believes this since her self esteem is at rock bottom and she is very vulnerable.

A more complicated twist is that this man lives with foster children and is often left alone with them too, so I feel extremely aware of the need to report this.

My sister is not ready to accept this is a highly abusive relationship. What will happen if she isn't willing to cooperate with the police/ social services? I'm worried that once I report this to the police wheels will be set in motion and I need to know what will happen. I'm desperate to also not discourage her from talking to me in order to keep her safe.

Nolim Sun 31-May-15 20:28:41

I have no idea op but reporting seems like the best thing to do.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 31-May-15 20:42:03

What do you intend to report to the police? If you allege that your dsis is being physically assaulted by her bf, it's unlikely that the police will be able to act without corroboraton from the victim.

Where is your dsis now? Has she moved back to live with him/his family? Does she have dc?

You say this man 'lives with foster children'. Is he a foster carer?

QuiteLikely5 Sun 31-May-15 20:47:17

You truly do need to report this to the SS in the area this family live in.

I am sorry to sound abrupt but never mind your sister I am more concerned about the children who are residing within this dysfunctional family.

Always be there to support your sister but she will have to reach her rock bottom in her own time.

Name1change Sun 31-May-15 21:28:33

Thank you all for your replies.

Yes, I was hoping that in recognition of the fact she has made disclosures and is in an abusive situation the police would be able to help. I've done a lot of reading up on abusive relationships and it seems not uncommon for the victim to be unable to recognise the situation initially. She had started to acknowledge how bad it was but is now minimising it.

I know it needs to be reported to social services, I was just hoping for advice on what the procedure would be so I can be aware of how to support my dsis, if she'll allow me.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 31-May-15 21:42:16

Is this man a foster carer or is he living with one or more of his family members who are foster carers?

To the best of your knowledge, have any of the foster or natural children of the family been present when he has physically abused your dsis?

Unless your dsis makes a complaint to the police herself, it's highly unlikely they will be able to act on any report to you make to them.

With regard to the foster children, I would suggest you contact the Childrens/Social Services department which is nearest to the address and appraise them that Mr X X is living at the property with Ms Y Y and you are concerned that the volatile nature of their relationship may be having an adverse effect on the children of the family.

The department will be duty bound to investigate, but it's highly unlikely that they'll be able to do so without your dsis and her violent bf being made aware of the complaint and it's to be expected that one or other of the couple will be able to work out who made it. .

Name1change Sun 31-May-15 22:47:30

His mother is a FC but he is also left alone with the children.

The foster children were certainly in the house when the assault I'm aware of took place. I don't believe they were in the same room.

Will be making a phone call to SS tomorrow.

I'm very concerned about keeping the lines of communication and trust open as he has already succeeded in isolating her.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 31-May-15 23:08:09

May I ask how old he is - under 21, early-mid 20's, late 20's?

I ask because if he's lived away from home at some point it may be that SS aren't aware he's living at the property and, if that's the case, he would be required to have a CRB check - as would your dsis if she's living there too.

Ime violent twunts don't become that way overnight and it may be that he has some 'form' which might preclude him living with foster children.

Do you have any confidence that you'll be able to keep lines of communication open with your dsis if contact SS, or could it lead to her severing all ties with you and becoming even more isolated?

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