Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Boyfriend's ex-wife plans to introduce another virtual stranger of a BF to their daughter, AND (it gets worse!)...(17 Posts)
I've not been asked to write this and don't want to get too involved, only there are so many wise people here that I thought I might be able to get some useful advice for my boyfriend. NC BTW as quite specific details, but am a regular poster.
Details are a bit hazy, sorry, as I was taking in quite a bit of info and obviously not taking notes. Backgound is BF's *ex-wife met a man, who lives overseas, online at the beginning of April. About 3 weeks later she invited him to stay with her for a week. BF had his daughter during that time.
Fast forward to recently...he has just been informed that she is going to visit the man overseas, no problem there, but taking their daughter with her. BF is not happy with daughter going as ex barely knows the man. Other issues with ex's behaviour (RE alcohol) around daughter that adds to his stress. For a bit of background, this will be the 3rd man in 2 years the ex-wife has introduced to the daughter after a brief spell of dating. Ex retorts "well, you introduced her to AreYouOnGlue!" True, but we'd been dating 6 months by that stage.
If that wasn't worrying him enough she says her new BF is going to move to England and in with them in August. Bearing in mind they are dating infrequently so she won't know him very well and they only met in April, he's not at all happy.
BF understands that both parents have a say, so there
will might be clashes, but this is beyond the pale. Is there anything that can be done to prevent an ex partner moving a virtual stranger into the home they share with a child?
* they are separated not divorced but their relationship has ended. I met him 6 months after he moved out so nothing dodgy going on.
Has he suggested that he looks after his dd so the Ex can go abroad to spend time with the BF without her?
I am not a lawyer but I don't believe he can prevent her from moving in with someone.
What he can do is either contact ss with his concerns and ask for their involvement or he could go to court and ask for custody.
He should get professional advice. Obv his concern is his child not who his ex chooses to live with or when. So he should approach it from that angle. What is best foe the child. Is the best environment with the mother or the father.
If he's concerned about the safety of his child he should be going for residence.
If he's not arsed enough to go for custody, he should butt out.
There's nothing he can do, sorry. Unless you want his ex saying he can't move in with you because she doesn't approve, he needs to just put up with it.
"Has he suggested that he looks after his dd so the Ex can go abroad to spend time with the BF without her?"
Yes he has but she says the daughter "needs to travel more" so she's going. Apparently when he asked what the daughter will do when ex is on a date with new man she said something about there being other (unknown) kids there so she can amuse herself.
"...What he can do is either contact ss with his concerns and ask for their involvement or he could go to court and ask for custody..."
Thanks. It's such new news that he's still rather, but I did question whether it was a child protection issue with him. What he's hoping I think is that as friends and family find out they will talk to her and she'll change her mind without it getting unpleasant.
"...Obv his concern is his child not who his ex chooses to live with or when. So he should approach it from that angle..."
Quite, which is his attitude anyway. Unfortunately how she interprets it apparently is that he doesn't want her to have a BF, which is just not the case.
"There's nothing he can do, sorry. Unless you want his ex saying he can't move in with you because she doesn't approve, he needs to just put up with it."
He has no probelm with her and their daughter living with a new man...just not a virtual stranger.
Thanks everyone. I was pretty sure that there wouldn't be much he could do, if anything, just that I've read so many posts over the years on MN where mothers have been concerned about their exes introducing god-knows-who to their children I wondered if there was anything. Will relay info to him.
"..If he's not arsed enough to go for custody, he should butt out..."
At the moment they work custody/access(?) around her shift patterns so she has their daughter 4 days per week and he has her the other 3 days, although he sees their daughter more often depending in ex's holidays, over-time, etc. As I said, it's all new news so a bit of a shock to him, so definitely not a can't be arsed atttitude.
Is he sure she isn't just saying these things to wind him up?
Who in their right mind moves a virtual stranger into the home their share with their young child?
Sorry I have no advice except to say what a crap situation this is.
"Is he sure she isn't just saying these things to wind him up?"
Who knows Garden. He thinks she's not bullshitting, and I'm not close enough to get a view myself unfortunately so am getting 2nd hand info. Also, he said that one day a family member went to the house and a strange man answered the door. When the FM asked where she was he was told she was at work. The strange man at the door was a new BF (but not the latest) yet appeared to have moved in.
"Who in their right mind moves a virtual stranger into the home their share with their young child?"
Exactly, it's defies logic, but her logic is not the same as other people's logic apparently. Apparently she says that she "knows him" yet you simply can't know someone enough to let them move into the home you share with children, when you only met them a few weeks previously IMHO. It reminds me of when I was a teenager and used to think that I'd met Mr Right after 2 dates
then split a couple of weeks later. However, she's not a teenager, she's in her 40s with a child.
Could he get a prohibitive steps order? She can't take the child abroad without his permission
Assuming he has parental responsibility and there aren't any court orders, then it would be child abduction to take her abroad without both parents' consent. So technically she needs his consent to go away anyway. The only problem is that that consent doesn't have to be written so she might be able to travel without any problems in practice.
Thanks Hissy and Tess, I'll let him know what you suggest
Cest their daughter is almost 12.
So the dd is old enough to express a view. Dad should keep lines of communication open with dd. Go out for walks let her tell him any concerns.... If dd wants to go on the holiday fine. But dd may feel caught in the middle. As dd already spends roughly half the time with dad then dad can provide the stability she doesn't get with mum.
Tho she has also had to deal with dad getting a new partner too.
If dd is close to the mother and happy to go then fine. But making sure dd has phone etc and can get in contact if needs be....
Is the dd happy and doing well at school ?
key here is the dd and how she deals with all this and what support she has..and making sure she knows dad is there if she uncomfortable with any new partner brought in.
Thanks Cest. I'm very much on the outside of this in a way (best place IMO) as BF and I only see each other once a week and don't cohabit. I've only met their daughter 3 times, and there's been no sleeping over or "coupley" behaviour when she was with us.
What I admired a lot when I saw them together was (especially after reading so many stories on here) was that he wasn't "Disney Dad", and from what I've made out he's picking up the slack in parenting when ex-wife goes into "mate" mode with their daughter. He seems to have a great relationship with her. As far as I know she's happy and doing well in general, and it seems she has a good relationship with the extended families so plenty of support there.
Thanks everyone. I'll pass on the advice and see what happens.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.