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Let him stew or reach out?

(11 Posts)
Balders74 Sun 31-May-15 19:09:21

I instigated the split with my ex at the beginning of the year, he was totally shocked & didn't take it well. He finally moved out at the end of March. I asked him if he was happy to have the kids every second weekend & he said he couldn't commit to that due to work (he is self employed). So he had them one weekend, all good. 2 weeks later I had not heard from him he was ok to have them so I made arrangements for our DS to see a friend. When I mentioned it in front of my ex he said he thought he was ha I got the kids that weekend. I reminded him that he had said he couldn't commit to every other weekend & he said he could have them unless he said otherwise. Classic non-communication approach from him.

So we arranged for them to go the following weekend, all good.

Last weekend was the third visit & DS (9) said he didn't want to go because it was boring. I asked him to think about it & explained his Dad would be upset if he didn't go. In the meantime my DD (14) asked if she could go to a sleepover on the Saturday night, so I said she needed to speak to her Dad & see if she could stay at his Sunday & Monday instead. He said he was busy on Sunday so she couldn't but he would arrange with her during the week to stay because it was half term.

So DS was determined that he did not want to go & rang his Dad to tell him. He was really upset & blamed me. I got texts saying 'I don't know who I'm more disappointed in, you or him', Nice! So I said as usual he was not accepting any of the responsibility & that I had tried to talk him round but he didn't want to go. A few texts later calling me names so I stopped responding.

On Tuesday I sent him a text saying that it was half term & if he had time he could take DS out for the day. Nothing.

I have noe not heard from him in over a week. He didn't contact DD to arrange an alternative visit as he said he would.

Today she has said that she is quite upset that he accepted her not staying without any issues but when DS didn't want to go he was devastated. She wanted to text him. I told her it was up to her but probably wouldn't achieve anything. They have always had a tough relationship & was in part why we split up because of his EA towards her.

So do I leave him to stew or try to reach out to him again? He will not accept any responsibility for the situation & I can't see him making the first move to rectify the situation. They would be due to go again next weekend & neither of them are particularly enthusiastic about going.

Sorry it has been so long. Would appreciate some guidance/ advice.

pocketsaviour Sun 31-May-15 19:12:12

Under the circs and seeing both kids have said they're not bothered, I'd leave it.

He has clearly set them up as golden boy and scapegoat girl. You will do them a favour in the long run if you don't push for contact.

AnyFucker Sun 31-May-15 19:14:17

just leave it

I am surprised that you are even surprised that it is panning out this way

Lurgano Sun 31-May-15 19:16:27

Do the kids have any communication directly with him (text/phone etc) between visits? If so can they sort things directly? Or do you need to buffer?
Concerned with EA of daughter - surely that will be worse without you there? Does your DD recognise it as EA? Can she or should she cope with it alone?

goddessofsmallthings Sun 31-May-15 19:20:39

At 14 your dd can make up her own mind as to whether or not she wants to have contact and at 9 your ds's wishes would be taken into account if, for example, your ex applied for a court order to regulate contact.

You've posted about this before, haven't you? Your ds didn't want to go because dd wasn't going and wouldn't be around to break the monotony of watching his df watch tv throughout the duration of the weekend.

As it sounds as if your dcs are capable of initiating contact with him, I suggest you let them get on with it and step in if your ex tries to lay some guilt trip on them.

cashmerecardigans Sun 31-May-15 19:24:51

This may go against the grain but I'd try and stick to the agreed pattern and to be honest I'd pretty much insist DS goes - to me, it's boring is not an excuse to not see his dad. Of course they'd probably rather stay home where it's more comfortable, but maybe they need to build a new realtionship with their dad and they need to be there to do that.
Agreed it's poor he's not rearranged DDs visit but I'd have followed it up with him.
I always felt I had the best bits of DC as I had them the majority of the time. My DS didn't always want to go but I have to say I didn't give them lots of choice as often it was more they couldn't be bothered than actually not wanting to go. I knew my EXH valued the time so I felt I was copping out if I allowed them to not go. Different scenario when they're older and it may need different negotiation but if you want them to maintain the relationship then I'd keep them going there.

Balders74 Sun 31-May-15 20:14:01

Thanks for your replies. When he first left DD did have text contact but that has dwindled now. He was coming round fairly regularly because all of his post still comes here, including his business post, so he saw them both then.

cashmere I do agree with what you're saying. I have told DS that his Dad was really upset that he didn't go last weekend and he is going next weekend. The thing is that it doesn't really matter if I want them to maintain a relationship ( which I do) that is up to him. He has to make some effort too but he is so full of hate and resentment towards me that he can't get past in order to maintain a relationship with them.

He has an expectation he should not have to make any effort (this includes work, our relationship, friendships) and things will just drop into his lap. Unfortunately life doesn't work like that but at 45 he still has not learned that lesson. And his reaction when things don't work out as he expects is to blame anyone but himself.

He did she did not work regularly for the last 4 years of our relationship, mainly because he never actively tried to get work, instead he sat on the sofa while I worked full time and paid for everything. Every few months I would bring up giving his business up and getting a job and he always had a reason why it wasn't his fault. And because of the type of personality he has he knew he couldn't work for anyone else.

He does not pay maintenance and has never offered to and I know if I ask he will just say he can't afford it. If I go to the CSA or whatever they are called now, his accountant will show he is not earning anything.

So I find it difficult to get my head around chasing him to keep a relationship with the children that he is supposed to love and provide for.

Handywoman Sun 31-May-15 20:49:54

Balders I would step back from this, and let him stew. His relationship with the dc seems tenuous (and includes EA) and it will be good practice for you to detach. He is stewing and using this as a way to stay 'enmeshed' emotionally with you. You'll only get more hurt that way. You've been through enough and done enough now, he isn't learning any lessons any time soon let this 'play out'.

tribpot Sun 31-May-15 21:08:19

I agree, let him stew.

He's had you organising (and funding) his life for years, all it's brought you is aggro and he's still a lazy shit.

Keep encouraging the kids to contact him, offer to do so if they want to arrange a weekend with him but otherwise let him sulk.

With regard to his post, I would tell him it's time to arrange a mail redirection, or you will start returning it all to sender.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 31-May-15 21:29:03

I have a feeling that if you had posted by way of update to your other thread, opinion here would be unaminously in favour of 'stew' and more especially as, you have just demonstrated smile, he has you tying yourself in knots trying to do what suits him what's best for the dc when, in fact, they're streets ahead of you and aren't going to dance to his tune unless it suits them.

ALaughAMinute Sun 31-May-15 21:30:58

Let him stew!

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