Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Being married to a 12 year old.....(231 Posts)
Regular but name changed.
This is my second marriage. First was short and I'll advised, no kids. His second marriage too. He has three kids from previous marriage and a relationship before marriage. We have two kids together, 8 and 5.
I am generally quite unhappy. I am very conscious that I don't want another failed marriage but conscious that we have done marriage guidance twice but we still keep on having issues.
His good points: he works hard at work, does overtime, very involved with his other kids and fought for all the contact he has, which is standard now, every other weekend and half the hols. Lots of issues there, but they would be deal able with if we got on better. Lots of the issues there were probably caused by our very argumentative marriage and how he treats me in front of the kids.
He takes the kids out, parks etc, he pays all the bills, apart from food and clothes, shoes, birthdays etc, I pay all those. He moans I don't pay enough but I earn less than a quarter than him.
He used to be funny, kind, loving and pull his weight and be clean.
Bad points: he often shouts at the kids in a very aggressive manner. He can't cope when they are running around just being kids, he has a hobby that dominates a lot of his time and keeps him glued to the PC. He is often unkind, shouty, and makes jokes at my expense . If I do this back, he can't deal with it but thinks as long as he finds something it is ok to hurt my feelings or take the piss out of me.
He has put on a lot of weight and often smells, so much the living room stinks. If I say nicely, please can you have a bath, he makes such a fuss and is offended. He belches constantly, big loud belching, I mean, several every minute. I have asked him to stop but he just ignores me. His default reply to anything I say or ask is in a nasty tone or sarcastic. He speaks to me like dirt a lot of the time, even first thing in the morning when I can't have done anything to upset him. If I do upset him, he can sulk for days and won't speak. Then when he is ready, he can't discuss anything and I am expected to just get on and forget about it and never discuss anything. A big bad point...he never accepts he has done anything wrong. He always has a reason, an excuse, but he never accepts responsibility for anything. The house often has a bad atmosphere when he is around. He shouts at the kids, is unnecessarily mean to them, will not implement any discipline techniques, just shouting. They are not bad kids at all, quite well behaved but naughty sometimes, like all kids.
This morning I couldn't understand why the milk had been decanted into a glass in the fridge. I am never allowed to sleep past 8am or he will come into my bedroom, (we sleep apart as he snores and twitches terribly, plus sometimes he smells) . I ask him why and he said I didn't need to know. Very hypocritical as I have to answer any question he asks me. I then find out he took the bottle to the bedroom so he could wee in at night! And when I ask why, he says so he doesn't wake up our son !!!
I am utterly disgusted with this. He goes to the loo often in the night and I have said he should go to the doctors but he refuses. I just can't believe how disgusting this is and how he thinks it is acceptable behaviour. I already have to deal with his 12 year old sense of humour, typical tits, arse, fanny jokes.
I don't know what to do or what I want to happen. As he never takes responsibility , he never admits anything is his fault. I don't want to break up our family , I want him to just grow up and act like a man. I don't want to be married to a 12 year old, as I tell him frequently. I want adult conversation, he seems incapable of it at home, but can at work. He just gets home, and turns into a 12 year old. He has a responsible job, think accountant etc.
any suggestions cos I don't want to break up our family.
You say you don't want to break up your family but you are married to a man who is nasty to you and your children?
Breaking up sounds like the best thing you could do for your family, actually.
You don't want to " break up the family" but think about what this stunning " role model" is doing to your kids . You don't say if you have boys or girls but surely seeing this man as " that's what a man is and his he behaves" or " this is how a husband is and behaves" should make your realised very fast the you need to LTB?
It's only a short step to the disordered thinking that goes on in girls brought up in domestic violence that " a man hits you because he loves you"
I won't even bother approaching all the reasons why this realtionship is abusive towards you as you clearly want to minimise them. But just read back the post and imagine it was posted here by a random mumsnetter. What would you think the woman in the post should do?
He would only change if he wants to. And he doesn't. He wants to live like a pig.
Life is too short to put up with this for the sake of being embarrassed by a second divorce. Plus your kids shouldn't have to live like this.
bloody hell - emotionally abusive bullying arsehole. Not only is he abusing you but the children too. For their sake alone you need to get rid. They deserve so much more than this prince of a man, as do you don't you?
My 12 year old is a model of decorum compared to your husband, and far politer, kinder and nicer from the sound of it. You're insulting 12 year olds.
Run, fast and far, before your children start copying his revolting behaviours.
It's rarely as simple as LTB, but this one is a no brainer. I can't understand what you are still doing there.
That post is an insult to 12 yo's
op, how do you manage to live in the same house as this pig ?
Cross posted with winter
I don' t know any 12 yo's like this either
This man is disgusting. You haven't mentioned any redeeming features (not that I can think of any that would cancel out pissing in a milk bottle) and it sounds like you can't stand him, and I don't blame you.
You can not continue with this and allow your children to think that this behaviour is normal. He abuses you and he abuses his children.
Get rid of him, either him out, or you leave and take the children with you.
Wow what a jerk!
Get out now for the sake of yourself and the kids. Don't worry about a failed marriage, you have gotten two kids out off this relationship.
Run for the hills OP. Your poor kids having to put up with all that. It is shocking.
I don't want to break up my family I just want my husband to transform into a completely different person
Not gonna happen. He's awful. Gross, emotionally abusive to you and the children, there is no reason to stay with him other than your embarrassment at another divorce. So fucking what? You only have one life, don't live it according to what other people might think.
What was he like when you got together? did he smell? Did he make shitty toilet/sexist 'jokes'? Were you able to share a bed? Did he proiritise his hobby? Did he always treat you with little respect?
I would suggest couselling but you've already tried that as a couple and it's not worked. Perhaps try on your own. Work out why you've set your standards so low, then put your fear of having "2 failed marriages" above being treated well.
He won't change, so forget that. You can live like this, or you can't.
Is he on the PC half the night too? Peeing in a bottle is is what the teenage boys I work with do when they are obsessed with something online and don't want to leave their game.
Sounds disgusting all in all. He stinks out the living room! I couldn't live a week like that. I think you should call it a day.
He won't change because he sees nothing wrong in his behaviour.
Pod course as a grown man he can behave how he wants - but that doesn't mean you have to stay with him whilst he does it.
Read your post back t yourself.
It seems you can't find anything to like about this man.
Leave now, life is too short for all that misery and resentment.
I think I could afford to leave, but not sure if we could stay in this house. It's near my kids school etc. because he never admits he he does no wrong, we cannot ever converse about any issues.
I did leave once, ran to my parents with the kids, after he went to put his hand round me neck and said he would fucking kill me. He didn't nor has he ever hit me.
My neck! Not me neck.
No, he isn't on the PC at night. He is trying to be extra nice to me now. But obviously not discussing anything as he isn't able to do that.
I really don't know what to do.
I just read your whole OP like this -->
He is really not worth your energy or angst; you deserve far, far more than this.
There is no shame or failure involved if you leave. You said you don't want another 'failed marriage'? It hasn't failed, you haven't failed, your kids haven't failed - he is the one who has failed.
You deserve more.
Thanks vanilla, that made me cry.
I have come up to my room and he has followed me up and brought me a cup of coffee. This is his way of trying to appease. But of course it doesn't address anything. And while he was here he picks up a pair of my knickers that were by the bed...cos he can't resist a 12 old giggle at them in his head but then tries to say he just wondered what they are when it is perfectly obvious.
Please leave and give yourself and your children the gift of not having to grow up with this disgusting and abusive man. He doesn't want to change.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.