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Emotional Abuse

(26 Posts)
spideymum Sun 31-May-15 10:56:30

Trying to get my head around emotional Abuse. I was left by my ex just over 2 months ago because he said he wasn't happy with me trying to get my head around it but when I look back I think there are signs of emotional Abuse but how could it be if he left me. Here's a breakdown can you let me know if this is what I think it is.

Accusing me of looking at other men when daydreaming looking out of the car window.
Coming in the house shouting or moaning about things not being done.
Blaming me for breakdown of his business
Blaming me for his car accident (broken up at this point)
Refusing to help to look after the children
Having sex and then telling me how boring I am and obviously not enjoying it.
Blaming his bad relationship with his daughter on me.
Accusing me of thinking about my ex boyfriend.
Telling me how grateful I should be he stayed with me when I hhave a sexual past.
Telling me his whole family were tired of me because I had changed.
screaming at me for going out with a family member after work and not going home to cook for him.
pressuring me to have an abortion and then not accompanying me and minimising my sadness after.
refusing to help look after his son and sulking when I asked for help.
Telling me I didn't love him didn't care about him and then threatening to kill himself.
Dragging me around the house by my hair and throwing an ironing board on me when I went out with friends and came home very late and drunk.

I don't know why I feel the need to write this all down I feel so confused so sad and sometimes want him back but don't know why. How could he treat me like this and then be the one to leave.

sorry for the long post.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 31-May-15 11:06:26

You are free of him now thankfully, do not go back to this.

All that you wrote re him are hallmarks of an abusive and controlling man. The threats to kill himself are also classic power and control mechanisms beloved of abusers as well designed to keep you, their victim, in line.

You were also targeted by him I think as well. He saw vulnerability in you that he could exploit and use against you and to his own ends.

If you have not already looked at Womens Aid Freedom Programme then I suggest you do this and asap. You perhaps want him back because you think that if you did xyz differently he would change. You've been conditioned by him and such can take a long time to recover from, you have been abused. Abusive men never change and its not you, its him.

Anniegetyourgun Sun 31-May-15 11:35:09

Throwing ironing boards at you and dragging you around by your hair is physical abuse. The rest of it is pretty much textbook emotional abuse. Emotional abusers do sometimes leave, if you're lucky! He may plan to move on to a more amenable or richer victim, or he may have behaved like a total arse because he finds it too much effort to be in a relationship and was hoping you'd leave; doesn't really matter. Note that a lot of the abuse was around making sure your attention was focused on him - now he's moved out of focus you'll take a while to adjust. Like beating your head against a brick wall: it feels peculiar for a while when you stop, but going back and doing it again is just going to hurt more.

I am sorry you were pressured into an abortion you didn't want. It shouldn't happen to anyone. However, it was probably for the best that you didn't have a baby with that awful man.

Ladymoods Sun 31-May-15 11:39:21

Emotional and physical abuse, you are well rid of him. Don't look back, don't ever take him back, enjoy your life now you are free of this horrid excuse of a man. It's hard now but I promise you it will get better and you will be a happier person without him.

Stay strong flowers

twistletonsmythe Sun 31-May-15 11:40:45

this is physical abuse as well as emotional! Dragging you by the hair - I would be telling the police.

And def do the freedom programme too.

minkGrundy Sun 31-May-15 11:45:51

This was emptional anuse.

The root of your wanting him back may be the lack of reparation or apology on his part or the fact that he left you and you feel like you should have left. Not expressing this very clearly but it is like an unhealed insult.

You won't get an apology. (That means anything)

He probably left you for someone else. That's what they do. He may well try to come back, even just for a shag on the side. So be prepared to tell him to fuck off.

Sorry he treated you so badlyflowers be glad you escaped and be kind to yourself while you heal.

minkGrundy Sun 31-May-15 11:46:25

Emotional abuse even. Sorry for typos.

spideymum Sun 31-May-15 15:35:35

That's what I have been thinking it is emotional Abuse but I feel so stupid for even saying the word in my head. I have wanted him back and I think you are right because he was such a presence here. I keep on blaming myself because all of his family blame me say that I'm not the person I used to be I'm miserable and always moaning causing problems. They see nothing wrong with his actions just say if I had made him happy he wouldn't behave like that.

We do have a son together and although that makes me want him back a bigger part of me thinks my son can't think it is normal to grow up like this to treat someone like this. I just feel so sad so down so stupid and worthless and I feel humiliated by him he does all of this blames it on me and then walks out. I don't know why but it just hurts so much he complained about me constantly saying I wasn't doing enough I didn't look happy enough I wasn't initiating enough sex with him. I just don't know I feel so worn down

twistletonsmythe Sun 31-May-15 16:09:15

dragging you by the hair is physical abuse too.

His family say what???

nicenewdusters Sun 31-May-15 16:40:08

Can you put an end to any contact with his family ? It's bad enough he was physically and emotionally abusive to you, you don't have to take it from them, especially now you're not together. He can maintain the contact between your child and his family.

Absolutely never go back to this abusive man. You're well rid, but it will take time to recover from such a dramatic event. Keep your contact with him to an absolute minimum - just child care arrangements if that's what's happening at the moment. Be kind to yourself. He acted this way towards you because he chose to. All the shame is upon him.

spideymum Sun 31-May-15 17:03:29

Yes I don't want any further contact with his family I have blocked their numbers from my phone as I don't want to hear from them at all.

He says I treated him like crap like a toy one minute happy the other not. I just feel so worn down and want to change my number so he can only call the house to speak to my son and I can't receive any messages from him or voice mails etc. I just wish I could completely erase him from my life but unfortunately I can't do that as my son needs to see his Dad.

He had an accident yesterday and blamed it on me making him angry by asking him for money.

Ladymoods Sun 31-May-15 17:04:41

That's what emotional bullies do, they condition you to believe everything is your fault and that you can't possibly cope without them because they are so fucking amazing. Well you can and you will. It may take time to move on from how they have made you see yourself but you will realise that absolutely none of this is your fault, he is the one at fault here.

nicenewdusters Sun 31-May-15 18:21:26

Definitely change your number. He has no control over you any more. You take control of the areas of your life where you have to have contact with him. You dictate the method of contact, do what YOU feel comfortable with. When/if you have to speak to him he starts to talk about anything other than your son, hang up. No explanations, do not engage, nothing.

You will find peace of mind again. He's done his best to take it from you, but you will get there. Living well, the best revenge, in any situation !

goddessofsmallthings Sun 31-May-15 18:45:06

his actions just say if I had made him happy he wouldn't behave like that.

O dearie me. Here we go. Get the violin out for another chorus of 'The song of the physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive twunt'.

Shout hallelujah and thank the lord he's left, honey.

Your life is your own now and you can make it wonderful for you and your ds by having nothing to do with his family and as little as possible to do with the violent dickhead you had the misfortune to become involved with.

He had an accident yesterday caused by you asking for money? Ask for what you are no doubt legally entitled to money everyday and let's hope that this pathetic excuse for a man ends up where he belongs. [anger]

spideymum Mon 01-Jun-15 17:20:26

He dropped my son home yesterday and tried to hug me to apologise for something he said the previous day when I told him I couodnt wait for him being late as i had to go to my Grans memorial service. He threw in my face issues about my relationship with my Mum and how anxious I was with her with my son when he was born (we have a very complicated relationship due to her not looking after me as a child due to mental health issues). I just felt so disgusted with him that he could stoop so low to use that against me when I was down.

But then this very idiotic part of me liked him coming near me. How can you be disgusted with someone but still have feelings. It's making me feel disgusted and disillusioned with myself wondering what's wrong with me and did I drive him to all of his previous actions. I just feel a mess.

minkGrundy Mon 01-Jun-15 18:35:12

It's not your fault. Really it isn't.

Google traumatic bonding. It might help explain some of your confused feelings.

spideymum Mon 01-Jun-15 19:05:39

Just google. I think what I am struggling with is the idea that I could be a 'victim' of abuse. My ex constantly says to me that I love to play the victim. I just don't know

spideymum Mon 01-Jun-15 19:09:16

I spoke to his sister a few days ago we had previously been close. She just said to me everyone is tired of me because when they met me I presented myself one way ie outgoing friendly always wanting to be around for a laugh and a chat and in the end they found out I was someone else. I am being severely criticised by everyone on his side saying I'm not a good step mum I'm too strict and I don't treat his daughter well because I'm frequently busy and not all over her because I was trying to give him the space to parent and taking a step back after everything had been left to me previously. I just feel really crap.

twistletonsmythe Mon 01-Jun-15 19:13:56

It is not your fault if you are a victim.

And if he is abusive it is not surprising if his sister behaves in the same way.

You need the Freedom Programme. And do not speak to him at handovers if possible.

YonicScrewdriver Mon 01-Jun-15 19:16:19

Any bullshit from him, can you respond with something like "ah, it's just as well we've broken up since you clearly have so many issues with me. Bye then!"

spideymum Mon 01-Jun-15 20:33:58

It just hurts so much, I was trying so hard to make him happy. I organised a surprise birthday party for him even though we had no money at Christmas I saved a small amount to buy him some things to help him relax after work, I planned a lovely Valentines meal all his favourite things and organised a babysitter something he moaned I never did. I cut down my workload so that I could have more time to spend with him and he just carried on being really cold and mean towards me. I don't know why he treated me like that I was really trying my best to be a good partner and all he can say is he felt cold towards me. I'm definitely no contact at the moment and I don't know why I am hurting over someone who doesn't want me walked out of the house leaving me to explain everything to our young child and is rude and abusive towards me.

I'm sitting here in tears and I just don't know why.

spideymum Mon 01-Jun-15 20:36:48

I have the most wonderful son (biased I know) and I have worked so hard to give him everything he needs. I have completed postgraduate training and held things down the best I could at home and all I hear is that I'm not good enough I just don't know what more else I could have done. I'm just remembering him screaming at me in the car because he thought I was looking at someone else and I wonder is it my fault did I turn him like that.

Sorry to post so much just so much running through my head.

minkGrundy Tue 02-Jun-15 01:03:08

It isn't your fault. Nothing you coukd have done would have made any difference.
The only person you can change is yourself.
He enjoyed seeing you try because he is not nice. He gave you just enough to keep you trying.

But at the end of the day, he will not change and he will never be happy.

But you will get over this and you can be happy. It just takes time.

Be kind to yourself.

spideymum Thu 04-Jun-15 19:17:13

My son has been crying so much for his Dad so he picked him up from Nursery today and is now sitting here in my house eating dinner with him and talking about getting him ready for bed. I just want him to p off I spent 30 mins in the bathroom cleaning and talking to my Mum she says just tell him to leave. I know I should but I can't deal with the negative reaction from him. Wtf is wrong with me?

spideymum Sat 06-Jun-15 09:59:16

Sorry to vent on here just need to get it all out. I'm exhausted back to work this week after half term. Have to keep plodding on until the summer holidays and make sure all the kids in my class get their levels up.

I looked in the mirror today and I'm a mess have lost 2 stones smoking too much skin and hairs a mess. I can't sleep properly at all and feel like such a bad Mum all of the time. My son's pushing my buttons his Dad is a waste of space who doesn't really care how bad things are here because that would involve looking at himself and his actions.

He keeps on saying he will support me and cares about me, well the time to care about me was when I needed him to be there for us as a family. I bad a panic attack last night couldn't breathe felt trapped in couldn't sleep. Need to sort myself out

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