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Going back to an abusive relationship

(740 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

purplepavements Sat 30-May-15 20:02:18

I have namechanged as I wanted to hear advice and maybe experiences without people having the info from my previous thread.
I am seriously considering going back to my ex. I feel like it's safer and easier to be back with him. He never hurt my dd and she's the only one I really care about. Has anyone had any good experience of going back because since leaving him I just feel shitter than ever.

98percentchocolate Sat 30-May-15 20:04:20

I don't know your previous threads or the nature of the abuse, but I couldn't read and run without saying you are worth more than this. You deserve more. Don't forget that.

purplepavements Sat 30-May-15 20:04:24

And when she died he was nice to me.

Ouchbloodyouch Sat 30-May-15 20:04:40

It was 'easier' to be with my abusive ex. Fucking miserable though. A lifetime of misery awaited me. Don't do it. It gets harder to extricate yourself as time goes on.

Minikievs Sat 30-May-15 20:06:38

How long have you been gone? I won't say it gets easier as for me, every week he provides me with a fresh and hideous torment.
However. Your DD will grow up seeing that your relationship with him is normal. The only question you have to ask yourself is would you ever want her to end up with a man like him? If the answer is no, then stay well away.
Good luck, I'm sure you are stronger than you realise, you've taken the hardest step already. Please don't go back

ASAS Sat 30-May-15 20:06:43

So sorry to hear your daughter passed away. She cared about you, she wouldn't want you to go back xxx

Minikievs Sat 30-May-15 20:07:20

Oh, x posts. I'm so sorry for your loss

Reekypear Sat 30-May-15 20:07:40

Don't believe it, he hurts you, he will hurt her.

My mum thought my dad would never hurt me, when he ran away due to abuse, or was in hospital. But he did hurt me, I've never told her, it would kill her.

You have a duty to protect your child. If you don't, your to blame.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 30-May-15 20:08:25

Do not go back to him, it will be the worst possible thing you could do to yourself. It may be familiar to you but you really deserve better than being abused at his hands.

Solo Sat 30-May-15 20:08:33

It won't get better, it'll undoubtedly get worse. Start to rebuild your life for yourself now. You can do it.

And I'm sorry if this is a bit insensitive, but are you saying your daughter died? did you have two Dd's? I'm sorry for your loss thankssad

Reekypear Sat 30-May-15 20:09:14

I did not realise your daughter had died, it was not clear.

No, don't ever go back.

Sorry about your loss.

purplepavements Sat 30-May-15 20:11:31

He was arrested last month. he was bailed on a tag. I saw him yesterday. I only had one baby. I just want to go back. He was so nice to me yesterday, he was so sorry. But I know it could be all bullshit. Im lonely, and I've been feeling more and more shit since he's been gone.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 30-May-15 20:15:17

If you go back it will be the death of you, emotionally if not physically.
Abusive men all say that they are sorry; they are not sorry at all. They are only sorry that they have been caught. Let the authorities deal with him, you need to rebuild your life now and without him in it. He's dragged you down into his pit, do not grow flowers in the hole he dug for you.

Please call Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247; they can and will help you. They have seen all this before and can help you.

ALaughAMinute Sat 30-May-15 20:17:18

You've been through enough pain, please don't go back to him. X

lovemenot Sat 30-May-15 20:20:06

Don't do it. I went back. Worst mistake ever.

I'm so sorry you lost your daughter, I can't imagine anything worse. But don't let your grief and loneliness put you in a situation that will not improve your life.

twistletonsmythe Sat 30-May-15 20:22:04

cycle of abuse - he will be horrid again once he has you where he wants you. Please don't go back. Please call Women's Aid.

LaBette001 Sat 30-May-15 20:22:59

I'm so sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself xxxx

purplepavements Sat 30-May-15 20:24:15

how do I know he hasn't changed? I just want to not feel like dying the whole time

twistletonsmythe Sat 30-May-15 20:25:20

because abusers don't change is the simple answer. Was he arrested for hurting you? Have you got any support?

ALaughAMinute Sat 30-May-15 20:27:03

Why you would even consider going back to an abusive relationship, do you think it might be anything to do with your daughter's death? Have you been offered any counselling?

Hassled Sat 30-May-15 20:27:04

All this unhappiness you're feeling now will get better in time. It'll get easier. But if you go back, sooner or later you know you'll have to leave again and then you'll be right back to the start of the unhappiness - you'll be even further away from the getting easier stage. So ride it out - and stop seeing him, stop all contact. Don't give him the opportunity to pretend to be nice to you - it's just messing with your head.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Sat 30-May-15 20:31:14

Please please x 1,000,000 pleases. Do not go back into this Relationship. To want to go back you either feel like you don't deserve any better or quite frankly you want the status of having man hanging off your arm, I don't want to cause you upset but why would you want to go back to such a horrible situation
Sorry about the loss of your lovely daughter. Think what she would say to you. Would she want you to go back. I very much doubt it.

kickassangel Sat 30-May-15 20:36:01

The majority of abusers get considerably worse if you go back to them. They often begin to include the children as they get older. Your daughter will also accept abuse as normal for a relationship and copy that allow it in hers.

You really can make it on your own, and how you are feeling is just part of getting over the abuse, like having a crappy hangover. It will get better, particularly as you start to get your own life established. Do something nice for yourself today, just a small thing, then remember that you wouldn't be able to do that with your ex.

ihave2naughtydogs Sat 30-May-15 20:36:57

I am very sorry about your Daughter. Please dont go back to this man, he is trying to charm you back. They dont change , the nastiness is always there under the surface , ready for the next outburst x

kickassangel Sat 30-May-15 20:39:28

Oh gosh, sorry I missed the post about your daughter. Can you speak to your go about grievance counseling? You are likely to be suffering from that as much as anything. Be kind to yourself. If he's out on a tag he really isn't safe for you to go back to.

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