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I never knew a marriage could be so lonely

(10 Posts)
Grewupinafield Sat 30-May-15 18:35:28

This is difficult for me to write. I have no one I can really talk to about this.
DH is in the army. This year he's been away more than he's been home. He's missed half of DS2s life (he's 9 months old). When he's a away I am on my own. family are all 300+ miles away. My mum rings me every day when DH is away, most days she's the only person I speak to apart from the kids (2.4 and 9 months).

When he's away I just feel so lonely. It's the coming and going I hate. I have him home for 36 hours this weekend then he's gone again.

I don't even get a text from DHs family, I've given up, after too many texts and calls go unanswered I've just stopped trying.

Friends try to be understanding but their attitude is "you knew this before you married him". Yes. I did. Doesn't make the reality easy to deal with.

He's a wonderful husband in so many ways. But I'm so lonely when he's away. a good friend of mine was on the phone crying to me last week how hard it is only seeing her husband for an hour or so a night before they go to bed. Together. Every night they go to bed together. I try to be sympathetic but I've reached the end of my patience.

I don't know why I'm writing this, I guess because I can't say it all to DH, it's not his fault.

I know there are single parents out there who have it harder, I do appreciate that. When DH is away sometimes be can ring/text sometimes he can't.

I try to take the kids out each day. I have some friends but they all tend to go "home" when their husbands are away and I don't have that option.

Thank you anyone who has read this!

AnyRailway Sat 30-May-15 18:45:14

I'm a single parent, and I'm happier on my own than I was with their dad, who made all of our lives an unpredictable nightmare.

Being on your own is fine if you are set up for it, with good support from friends and plenty of other people to talk to during the day.

However, your situation is very different to mine. I am grateful not to have my husband around , but you are missing yours dreadfully. I'm glad mine isn't here to unsettle the children at bedtime , but you would appreciate some good and honest help .

For me , it's okay being on my own, because this is better than the alternative. I still think children do better in families and communities, and the situation you are describing sounds really hard flowers

Addictedtomaltesers Sat 30-May-15 18:52:15

This is so sad but also so understandable and I absolutely know where you are coming from. It is not an easy life at all!

It does feel like single parenting a lot of the time and is exhausting but at least many single parents will not live over 300 miles from their friends and family.

Do you live in quarters? It's difficult but the only way to beat the loneliness is to put yourself out there in the army community and go to as many things as possible - coffee mornings, toddler groups, camp events. Hopefully, not only will you have company during the day, you might make friends with someone in the same position and then you can share evening meals togethers with all the kids and plan things to do at the weekends. It's so easy to hide away at home but trust me there will be so many others in your position that feel the same way who will be glad of your company too.

As your dc are not tied into school, could you go and stay with your family for a few weeks while your dh is away?

Good luck x

tinkytot Sat 30-May-15 18:52:58

This sounds really hard and I can understand how lonely you feel. Your children are also very young so you cannot even talk with them which makes it even lonelier for you.

I have a husband who works away every week, he us home at weekends, but I have done this for many years with two primary aged children,

It has become easier as the children have got older but it is still very lonely. I appreciate it is not exactly the same situation as you.

Can you go to some children's groups or have some time child free each week so you can join a class with something you enjoy to try and meet people and have adult conversation?

I am afraid I have no obvious solution but can say as my kids have got older I feel less lonely. Clearly this does not replace the relationship with DH but it helps me to cope with the long days & nights.

QuiteLikely5 Sat 30-May-15 18:53:39

Would you consider moving back home? Being a forces wife can be a thankless task at times with no end in sight until retirement...

cheekymonk Sat 30-May-15 18:54:31

I was a navy wife for a good few years with family that lived away and with dh's family also uninterested. I had a baby boy and she was away months at a time.it is really tough and I too was very lonely. I didn't find making friends easy either but we lived in married quarters and the feelings of being in the same boat as everyone else and that solidarity helped. The joy of the day when they return was all that kept me going. I always planned meet ups with people that I felt genuinely cared and tried to go easy on myself.make plans for their return, a family holiday etc. it takes a lot to be a military wife and I couldn't stick it after 12 years. Dh's had had enough too. I look back on those times as strengthening our marriage not weakening it xxx

Grewupinafield Sat 30-May-15 19:02:30

Thank you all for your replies.

I do live in married quarters. I have been to the coffee mornings etc and find the depressing. The wives only talk to others they know. Same with the toddler groups.

I couldn't live back home, I'd be 300+ miles from DH then and this is now my home I suppose.

It's just hard and I hate it sometimes. We're hoping next week will be the last one for a while but you just don't know.

I miss him so much when he's away.

Cassie258 Sat 30-May-15 19:12:21

This is all perfectly understandable. I would feel the same as you.

I'm surprised the army wives aren't understanding and accepting.

I don't know what to say but your feelings are valid and here is a hand to hold if you need it.

Grewupinafield Sat 30-May-15 19:14:11

Thank you! I know it will get easier as the children get older (ds2 is difficult). I'm just running on empty and had no where else to vent.

Puntosareus Sat 30-May-15 19:22:44

It is sometimes difficult being a forces wife. Try and persevere with the coffee mornings and toddler group. Offer to help wash up and put the toys away etc. Everyone is in the same boat so you do have common ground.
Hope things get easier for you soon

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