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Contact at weekend? Is this how it will be if I separate?

(6 Posts)
iHAVEtogetoutofhere Sat 30-May-15 15:20:18

Hi. I am new here.
I started a thread in chat on Thurs evening ("I am shaking...") and I was advised to get it moved here. I don't know how to link it, I am sorry.

I am starting a new thread as that one had about 80 posts.
I am grateful for every one of them but I wouldn't expect anyone to read through it all so I thought I'd ask this bit separately, iyswim?

H has taken kids to PIL for weekend.
We are married (14 years) but I was 'not invited' by H. PIL behave as if we are divorced.
He acts like a single Dad with a maid (me).
The kids are aware I was 'not invited' which upset one of them.

They left at 6.30am. I got contact at 2, to say: 'In Brum'.

Then H phones to say his mobile is wiped so can I text my mobile number.
Ds grabs phone and says: 'there was a fire on the train line so Uncle G came to collect us' then the phone cuts out.

I text my number. I call H number: answerphone.

So I call PIL landline. They answer, I speak briefly to dd (young, chatting about her bunny). Then the line goes dead.

I realise I am feeling raw about this, but this isnt' making me feel any better.

Not hoping for any 'magic replies' but on my own this weekend and it is feeling long and I just wanted to write it down.

annettec01 Sat 30-May-15 15:30:21

I read your last post. I would call pil back and ask them to tell dh to call/speak to you about when you expect them home and to text you when kids in bed etc x

AmyElliotDunne Sat 30-May-15 17:24:01

If you separate from your H, which it sounds like you should, then yes, you will have times when he takes them off for the day or for a couple of days.

For a while it will hurt like hell, but once you are settled into a routine, those hours or days to yourself will give you some much needed me-time and you can have a night out (plus hangover the next day) with your mates, have a cosy evening in in watching your favourite film with a takeaway and do some shopping in peace, you can have a big clear out and take a load of crap to the tip and put stuff on eBay to feel less like you're drowning under clutter (this is how I spent my kid free day today!) or if you're lucky, go for a romantic weekend away with a lovely bloke who will not treat you like a maid.

Please don't let fear of missing your kids keep you in this miserable excuse for a relationship. I haven't seen your other thread, but whatever is going on, the fact that he is happy to leave you at home, uninvited and out of contact, shows that he is not a kind man.

iHAVEtogetoutofhere Sat 30-May-15 19:15:26

Hi, Amy and Annette

Don't mean to drip feed, but he has been violent to me in the past.

Recently he upset ds who said he wanted to live '300 miles away' from him.
(he was NOT violent with ds, and they haven't seen him be violent to me).
But he is a mean spiteful bully who radiates temper.
The children say they 'like him when he is nice but hate him when he is mean'.

He has also been shite at taking care of them when he has taken them on the odd day out when they were tiny. They will be fine this weekend as Grandma will feed them and put them to bed, but if it is just him in charge they'd be lucky to get cheese and biscuits at 8pm when (if) he remembered.

We have had a very bad 2 days so I hardly expected him to be texting every hour with updates but I am upset that it has been 13 hours now with 1 text: 'In Brum'.

More to the point, if this is to be regular, without PIL keeping show on road, and there is to be this level of communication, I am concerned.

pocketsaviour Sat 30-May-15 19:43:11

Here is your other thread

if this is to be regular, without PIL keeping show on road, and there is to be this level of communication, I am concerned.

Can you say what your concerns are? Unless your DC have SN I don't think it's expected to be in constant contact during a weekend with their dad. Is there something in particular that's making you anxious?

From reading your other thread I certainly think you should separate. Don't let the thought of missing your DC for one weekend in two make you choose a life sentence with a man who doesn't respect or value you.

iHAVEtogetoutofhere Sat 30-May-15 20:00:19

pocket - thanks, I didn't know how to link the two threads

Ds has SEN -dyslexia, dyspraxia and poss asd too.
H has no tolerance and calls him 'stupid'. When he was younger and harder to manage, H used to say he was 'mental / a loonie' (not in his hearing). This is H default response to anyone who challenges him and doesn't back down. If you challenge him enough he would become violent.

I wouldn't expect constant contact at all. But, given he has taken them 350 miles in a 20 year old car (my dad died in a car accident so I am twitchy but I accept that is my issue) and not let me know they are ok when we are not even separated I worry how much he intends to cut me out when we are.

I would want the children to have a relationship with their Dad and I see that I am not a part of that and that would be FINE if he were competent and kind. But he is neither.

( I am surprised they haven't wanted to call as he took ds around 3m ago for a weekend and ds called or txted me about 13 times during the 2 days). If the kids are having a whale of a time and too busy to speak then that is all good, I just wonder at the contrast when this trip comes just after a very bad few days.

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