Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Did anyone else initially feel really quite elated after split and then crash a few weeks later?

(28 Posts)
newnamesamegame Fri 29-May-15 20:55:52

Just need a bit of hand-holding I think... H and I separated about a month ago after relationship had deteriorated beyond repair. I ended it. Numerous reasons but biggest ones were a) total lack of interest/participation in family life and unwillingness to do anything to change this b) occasional verbal aggression and verbal abuse and c) unwillingness to pull weight financially.

Generally I know I've done the right thing. Don't have any real fundamental doubts about what I've done. And for the first 2/3 weeks I felt actively happy... liberated, sure of myself, attractive and full of energy.

Last week or so, not so much. Suddenly feel very alone, very old (early 40s), incredibly tired, wobbly and not functioning well at work and worried that the best years of my life are behind me. Finding it really hard to keep that elusive new mojo. Suddenly feel a bit blind-sided by all this, having thought I was dealing with it quite well.

Just wondering if that's fairly normal and seeking advice on how to deal really. I think I'm pretty lucky compared to a lot of the people I see on this board, I'm basically OK, not heart-broken, not being left up shit creek financially and my daughter is coping pretty well. Could I be in denial about what I'm going through?

Any advice about how to weather this new period in the cycle?

Anniegetyourgun Fri 29-May-15 21:32:32

Normal I think. Unlikely to be denial as you sound fairly clear-sighted. More that you had a goal to work towards - getting out - but now that's out the way and things are settling down to a new routine it's sort of "er, so, what now?" - is that fair to say?

Just because you're lucky compared to others doesn't mean you have nothing to worry about! Leaving a long term relationship in your 40s, with children, is a big deal even when the alternative, not leaving it, would be worse. You are dealing with it quite well, but everyone needs a shoulder to cry lean on once in a while.

newnamesamegame Fri 29-May-15 21:50:22

Annie think you are right. I was so proud of myself having the balls to actually do it, now I have done it I feel flat and a bit sad.

Any suggestions for moving forward? I'm not unhappy really, I have a beautiful DD, good friends, a good job and so forth. I just want to feel like I have stuff to look forward to.

Balders74 Fri 29-May-15 21:53:57

Oh New I could have written that! My Ex was exactly as you have described yours and I initiated our split at the beginning of the year, so only slightly ahead of you (same age too) smile.

I have to say I have felt exactly the same over the last 5 months. The first couple of months were awful web cause he wouldn't move out but when he finally left I went through the elation period but also still have bad days.

Weirdly sometimes I miss him, not the relationship but just having him around. We had been together for 16 years so it was weird that he wasn't here. I am getting used to that more now, especially as things start to settle into a new routine.

I am making positive changes to the house, bought new sofas& painted the lounge, new bed & duvet covers etc.

Had new sofas delivered yesterday & I am enjoying sitting where he used to sit & can now see the whole TV rather than just 3/4 of it grin

I also worry about never being loved again or having toe curling sex, although the thought of it at the moment is absolutely terrifying & is not even an option at all as I very rarely go anywhere.

So you're not on your own. It is early days so just be kind to yourself and let time take it's course.

Findingme123 Fri 29-May-15 22:01:16

Yes, I did after I left. I was the same, very relieved and then had a big crash down after a few months when it really hit me. I know I did the right thing and have found my way up with a few wobbles on the way but definitely upwards and onwards.

WhatsGoingOnEh Fri 29-May-15 22:03:40

This is all completely normal!

Give yourself a bit of time to adjust. I wrote a blog when I was very newly single. make plans, move furniture, invite friends over, have long baths, look ahead. Keep looking ahead.

Goodbetterbest Fri 29-May-15 22:16:12

I think it's normal. It might happen a week, 6 weeks, 6 months, it might not happen at all. I think it is a grieving process and you have to let yourself feel it.

I had one day. Just one day. Could not stop crying and was overwhelmed with grief.

When you need to, when it hits, just draw the curtains and sob. You are allowed to.

Cocosnapper Fri 29-May-15 22:24:36

Try this uplifting thread - plenty here are v glad they LTB

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2386273-If-youre-in-your-50s-and-60s-what-would-you-tell-your-40-year-old-self

cluecu Sat 30-May-15 00:27:32

Not me but my mum. She found the love of her life when she was 57 and is currently in Australia having the time of her life with him.

Short term tips she found useful beyond the usual psychological ones were to take care of her health, dress in a way that made her feel good and embrace her friendships. The relationship happened quite gradually and believe me, my mum had been to the depths of misery and beyond.

She is now one of the happiest people I know grin grin grin grin

DeckSwabber Sat 30-May-15 06:57:21

Perfectly normal. You've been through a lot and its still early days. You are still adjusting and its exhausting.

sakura Sat 30-May-15 07:03:33

Nope. 5 months on. Still elated.
Somehow got myself a new job in those five months! And a new aupair arriving in July (never had one before), and a new home.
No washing machine yet, though as pay day isn't for a few weeks smile
You'll be fine.

addicted2cake Sat 30-May-15 07:37:05

I felt like this too, after the initial elation of 'I've done it' had faded, there were a few weeks of feeling 'ok what now?' The first few weeks friends and family were texting me to see if I was ok but this soon stops and people get on with their own lives, not realising that you do still need support.
I arranged a girly night at mine with a takeaway and wine! It was nice to organise a social event, to arrange to see my friends and to enjoy myself for a night. I would suggest you do something similar - a night out or in, or a day out with friends, just having a few things to look forward to helped me get over the tricky months of feeling a bit low.
You will be ok. Xx

Allofaflumble Sat 30-May-15 07:45:57

Yes I had this crash after ending a 7 year relationship though we did not live together.

Like you I was elated and I was full of plans of things I would do. Trouble is I did not really want to do any of them.

In time I grew to accept and even enjoy being single. I am probably a fair bit older than you and have no wish to meet anyone else.

It is a grieving process and you have to go through it. After all I expect you had a lot of dreams dashed, your bubble burst etc. And that is some thing to work through.

Lovingfreedom Sat 30-May-15 09:06:35

Yes, be kind to yourself. Lots of good tips on here. Congratulations and good luck. 40's are great age for being a single woman again btw wink xx

newnamesamegame Sat 30-May-15 09:20:57

Hi everyone and thanks so much, this is all really encouraging stuff.

By and large feeling pretty good considering. Just have the occasional long dark night of the soul. But I guess its normal to grieve a bit.

Handywoman Sat 30-May-15 09:28:51

My h was similar to yours, OP. I was on cloud nine until about four months in when I crashed. I think it was made worse by the fact that exH just sort of slid away and continued to put zero effort in with the dc, which, naively, came as a surprise to me. I sort of felt 'abandoned' and left to bring up the dc single-handed. Still struggle with it when it gets too much (juggling job, house, dog and 2dc with SN). It's a job-of-work to be dealt with. After the elation of actually 'Getting Out' it all looms rather large. Am in therapy which helps. Plus meditation. And investing in friendships. You did get out. That's amazing so hats off to you and enjoy the well-deserved space in your head thanks

TheMotherOfAllDilemmas Sat 30-May-15 09:52:11

It is difficult at the beginning, you are weaning yourself of a bad relationship, so there are a good number of habits and negative thoughts you have to deal with before moving into your new life as a single person. This is a ne oportunity to re invent your life, I know is difficult, but don't let pessimism to take this opportunity away from you.

I did feel the same, the elation of finally getting out of it and then, the mourning of the routines, the heartbreak of binning all mutual future plans and goals, and the confirmation that being on my own was going to be as hard work as I expected (but more pleasurable work than putting up with the ex).

I really felt that I needed some order and feel in control of my life so at some point I forced myself into a routine that gave me some time to heal, to re invent myself and a constant stream of little changes that gave me the conviction that I would be happy on my own:

- I was working long hours so I started to go to bed at 9, which meant that I was wide awake around 5. So the day started like this: 45 minutes of yoga, 1 hour reading, half an hour to get ready before waking DS, which meant I could leave the houzze less frazzled than when trying to get ready DS and myself at the same time.

- I tidied up the house before going to bed and, on the weekends DS was not with me, I took a liking for having a nice walk with the dogs in the morning, meeting with friends in the afternoon, spent Sunday morning visiting a farmers market and the afternoon cooking all the food for the next two weeks, which meant i didn't have to cook in work days when I was so tired.

- it may sound regimented, but within a couple of months I had lost more than a stone, felt very healthy and happy with myself. I also felt calmer and in control of my life. It was the best time of my life.

Unfortunately, being in such good mood also puts you in a good position to find another person so I am not quite zen these days, I'm getting too many distractions.

TheMotherOfAllDilemmas Sat 30-May-15 09:55:06

Houzze? How did I manage that? House.

Lipgloss74 Sat 30-May-15 10:11:32

Yes, I felt empowered to walk away from a man who at first was treating me very well then for whatever reason (maybe he thought he had 'caught' me) starting behaving in quite unacceptable ways towards me- including changing my Christian name when he introduced me to his friends. The list goes on.
2 weeks later I'm missing him like mad. I think I did the right thing leaving him but I'm disappointed as I really thought we had some sort of future together.
I've been out loads but feel like I'm just going through the motions, I've looked at other men but they just don't compare physically to him, I feel sad I won't ever see him again but know I (as do we all) deserve to be treated well in a relationship.
Does it get easier- yes of course it does. I've survived worse but I guess we are grieving for the loss of our relationship.
I'm trying to put it into perspective, no ones sick/dead/homeless and life goes on but god it's sore x

CatsandCrumble Sat 30-May-15 10:23:11

I'm in the 'crashed' phase too. I think it's completely normal to have a bit of euphoria which then wears off and the reality of building a life for yourself kicks in. For me, I feel in limbo whilst still living in the family home. It will be easier when I have my own place.

newnamesamegame Sat 30-May-15 10:26:33

MotherofAllDilemmas this is inspiring stuff... I am also working full time and I know what you mean about the benefits of finding time in the morning to do things for yourself.

I think routine and a certain degree of regimentation is actually really helpful, not only for DC but for you.

Routine is problematic at the moment because STBXH's new job means its hard to predict when he will be able to take DD. Hopefully this will settle down in a few weeks.

Thanks everyone for all our comments. I'm feeling much better today and I think a lot of my pessimism this week was connected to a gruelling work schedule and lack of sleep as much as anything.

But its great to hear from so many people who have used this as an opportunity for positive reinvention. Keep 'em coming

TheMotherOfAllDilemmas Sat 30-May-15 21:00:19

Ah, yhat's what I forget to mention, your sleep is as or more important than the children's sleep. If you are well rested you have a much higher threshold of tolerance so it is easier to deal with everyday little challenges without loosing the plot.

CarbeDiem Sat 30-May-15 21:14:49

Another having a bit of a crash here too.
I also ended a 6 year relationship about 6 weeks ago.
We pretty much ended up living like friends, no intimacy, his refusal (long term) to seek help or really talk about it when he knew this was the last chance to do so - so I took the bull by the horns and done it.
I'm under a lot of stress at the moment with various things but it/he has been playing on my mind a lot this last week.
I think it's because I miss him as my friend really, I'm not pining for him as a lover/partner because that died a long time ago - he forced it to by pissing on my feelings so there's nothing to rekindle, I don't want that.
Arghhh! Damn hormones are playing a big part in this right now too vicious mind altering little bastards

Glad you're feeling a bit better OP, I hope to as well when the hormones go back to normal smile

Namechanger2015 Sun 31-May-15 19:13:29

Another one here, I left my EA husband in Jan after 9 years of marriage, I have been enjoying the freedom and escape since then till last weekend when he had the 3 DC for 4 days and I just crashed and pined for him and grieved the end of our relationship.

I know I need to get back in control of myself - this week I have been working FT as usual but trying to read a book or watch a good film in the evenings instead of my usual half MN/half crap TV routine.

I am a bit of a night owl so I do wake up feeling tired and grumpy each morning, so I need to stop that now and take control.

TheMotherOfAllDilemmas what you did sounds fab - you are an inspiration!

Dowser Sun 31-May-15 23:18:56

Cluecu I too met my lovely man when I was 56 after my marriage of 33 years ended and I'm too having the time of my life.

My cousin ( 55 nearly) was widowed earlier this year and is too dating a lovely man.

It's all too play for!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now