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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Husband and friend

322 replies

spottybottycream · 29/05/2015 20:06

We are currently helping a friend of mine out of an abusive relationship.
She is now living on her own with her two children, but has started texting and calling my DH for every little thing. Draw broken, call DH. Text from abusive ex, call DH in tears.
To be honest I feel she should be calling me. DH just fixes drawer or makes consoling noises and is being supportive because I initially asked him to be but he is getting annoyed with it all now. I don't know how to back off without looking like I'm abandoning her after all the help we gave to get her set up on her own.

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Jenoftheweek · 29/05/2015 20:15

Hmmmm. Be careful with her. It sounds like she might be making a play for your DH.
Would getting him to forward every text to you and then you replying to her requests scupper her dastardly schemes?

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spottybottycream · 29/05/2015 20:21

You see, I don't want to let myself think that :/ after all iv helped her through, id really like to think she wouldn't try to do that to me

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midnightvelvet01 · 29/05/2015 20:24

You don't have to back off but your dh could a little.

Maybe stop answering her calls and phoning back later instead or even just saying no he cant fix that/come round/talk now.

If he always answers and does stuff immediately then she may think he's reciprocating affection when he's not.

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magoria · 29/05/2015 20:25

Perhaps your H can say something like 'I am busy, I'll let midnight know/I'll get midnight to call you' etc.

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Justusemyname · 29/05/2015 20:26

She's without a man and has latched on to the first one showing her kindness. He needs to distance himself to protect her. I assume you trust him.

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Orangeisthenewbanana · 29/05/2015 20:27

Maybe let him keep dealing with the practical DIY stuff for a bit, but he could "pass on" the emotional stuff to you saying something like "spotty would be so much more helpful for you to talk to about this"? Then just monitor the situation for a bit. Alternatively, he could make excuses for not helping her out every time she asks/let it go to voicemail sometimes when she calls to let her know he's not at her beck and call?

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ScorpioMermaid · 29/05/2015 20:29

I'd be watching her very closely!

Tell your dh to message her back "I'm busy give spotty a call" or something along those lines.

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FarOverTheRainbow · 29/05/2015 20:30

I would get him to ignore all then you respond a while later saying "saw you rang DH/dH said he had a missed call what's wrong"

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HenriettaBarnet · 29/05/2015 20:30

Really? is that what you all think? that she is latching onto a man because she's without one?

blimey.

I'm just out of an abusive relationship - I really hope my friends aren't all expecting me to be making a play for their men?

I would have thought most women out of an abusive relationship will not be after a man. And most women certainly aren't after their friends men.

I suggest you deal with it gently really - I know how she's feeling and it's not nice to be on your own especially with a vile ex who still continues the abuse after he's left.

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Bahh · 29/05/2015 20:31

She probably isn't doing it on purpose. She's just been in a bad relationship with a bad man and having any sort of contact with a nice man is a bit of a novelty and quite reassuring and makes her feel better. She probably doesn't know she's being inappropriate and if you mentioned it she'd be horrified.

I would mention it though, in a casual/roundabout way. Say something like DH is busy/stressed at the moment and needs to focus on work/family or something, but you're always available if she needs support.

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TheoriginalLEM · 29/05/2015 20:31

yes just get him to not answer and then you call her back, when you have time. She needs to stand on her own two feet.

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spottybottycream · 29/05/2015 20:31

Yes I trust him, no worries there. He has been amazing helping and supporting me to support her. He agreed to help because it was so important for me to be there for her.

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SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 29/05/2015 20:32

Yes, be careful. Nip this in the bud before it goes any further. Good suggestions re involving you without abandoning her.

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Rebecca2014 · 29/05/2015 20:32

I think she is attaching onto a nice man.

I agree you should suggest to her that she should contact you from now on.

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spottybottycream · 29/05/2015 20:36

Ok, so its agreed with DH that I will reply from now on if she contacts him or call her back. I'm worried that she is so vulnerable right now that she doesn't realise she is being inappropriate or will end up latching on to the first bloke that shows her REAL attention :/
I am I a bad person for being annoyed at her latching onto my lovely DH?

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Jenoftheweek · 29/05/2015 20:39

No. Not bad. Pragmatic.

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spottybottycream · 29/05/2015 20:45

I mean he's MY lovely DH, not hers Angry. I want to help her find her own, eventually.

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MyRightFoot · 29/05/2015 20:58

after what shes been thru, your dp makes her feel safe. i dont believe shes got any crush on him. you do feel so vulnerable after leaving the abuser. i think he can still help with the practical and you can deal with the emotional. just tell her your dp is happy to help out but is not comfortable talking about her ex.

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AyeAmarok · 29/05/2015 20:59

No you're not bad. I'd be annoyed too.

I like to think I'd be understanding though and tell myself "this isn't really her, she's not herself as she's going through a really tough time ". But I'd be pretty pissed off and might always keep it in the back of my mind Sad

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spottybottycream · 29/05/2015 21:03

I am trying to be patient and she is a good friend. I think I just need to see how the plan of action goes and take it steady.

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Namechanger2015 · 29/05/2015 21:08

I've also just left an abusive relationship. I do find nice men a novelty, but only in seeing they are so different from ex and so validate my reasons for leaving him.

It's a lovely and terrifying time to leave an abuser and find yourself alone again. I very much doubt she is looking for a new relationship, particularly not one with her friends DH. I would assume she has enough going on in the head already.

Please let your dp stay kind and supportive. I'm sure he can handle himself if she is inappropriate towards him, but please do keep helping her through this time.

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OhDearMuriel · 29/05/2015 21:16

I have seen this scenario before, and it did not end well for the married couple.

I think she is trying to latch on to your husband, and I think as you say above, you need to take control and put a stop to it.

And, no, you are definitely not bad, it sounds like you have been a very good friend.

She is the one that is over-stepping the mark.

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FujimotosElixir · 29/05/2015 21:19

its a bit Hmm shes not ringing you for the emotional things, unless her exs texts are threatening and wants to feel safe, like theres a bloke to keep her safe?

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spottybottycream · 29/05/2015 21:23

But its not like he is going to go storming down there like her knight in shining armour if her ex were to turn up. We have discussed this scenario and agreed that we would not do that for our own safety. We also have a child to think of.
The agreement is that she text me with a code word and I call the police.

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spottybottycream · 29/05/2015 21:23

So he wont 'keep her safe' as it were.

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