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Support / advice desperately required please...(21 Posts)
I have just become a member because I could do with hearing from others in similar situations or who have gone through similar.
Firstly I am going to make my fiance sound like a bad person. He isn't really (which is why I feel bad) but he can be ...difficult.
We are both 30, have known each other since school and have been together for almost 11 years. We have a girl who is almost 2.5 yes and have had a mortgage for about 9 yrs. I knew he drank every day but never even thought it could be a problem until recently - factor 1, I think he is an alcoholic but he won't admit it (not getting really drunk as far as I know, just needs at least 4 cans a night).
Factor 2, he has moods which last anything from a day to months. He will ignore me and any attempts at humour, snap at me or our child for no real reason, flits from being supportive about my work (I have a morning job, evening job and my own business which I admit does interfere with home life a bit but he knew it would when we discussed me starting it) to telling me to get a 'normal' job and making me feel bad when I walk out the door to go to work. When we 'get on' it is just like friends, not a couple which doesnt feel like enough for me any more. He works full time, Mon to Fri daytimes and says he gets fed up with the routine of work and home. The thing is I uses to have an office job and I am finally doing what I love to do (plus the extra bar work until my business is regularly enough to live on) and live how sporadic my days are and how much I get to see our girl now although she still has two half days at nursery so I can work and she can keep up with a more structured development.
I just can't do with his negativity any more, he lost his license and is depressed and I have to take him to and from work but some days he doesn't even acknowledge me or will snap at me and I'm thinking " wait, I take 2 hours out of my already busy day to drive you, work all hours of the week and never once moan tet you act as though I have done something wrong!) - I hate confrontation BTW and his attitudeakea me feel very nervous and tense.
I worry that our girl will think that's how it should be and find herself in similar relationships rather than happy supportive ones.
Then I realise that I am treated with more respect by my clients, customers and managers (all new to me) and realise I want a lot more from a relationship. We gave talked a few times, tried to make some changes but it still isn't what I want and can't see it ever being enough for me.
Am I wrong to finish the relationship? To ask that I stay in the house as I run my business from there and it is our girls home? What help would I get towards the mortgage working at least over 20 hours a week? Can I ask him to help with childcare as well as asking for government help?
Has anyone been through similar with a positive change to the partners attitude to life and being a parent or am I risking his problems getting worse? We recently had an argument and I told him it isn't working out which I thought he understood but this week he has been talking about our future and being nice so despite me sleeping on the sofa he obviously thinks it was just part of the argument and said in the heat of the moment (it wasn't I just chose a stupid time to say it)
I was supposed to have 'the talk' this week but on my nights off I fell asleep - lame I know but I feel exhausted by it all which is why I don't have the energy to keep trying. Just thinking about an amicable break feels lighter and more energetic... Sorry it's so long :-(
Sorry for text mistakes... I love how sporadic my work is... Not live it etc.
Things will get worse if he doesn't stop drinking. I think I am right in saying that if you spit from your H you are allowed to stay in the house until your DC is 18.
Go to the CAB and get legal advice.
You don't need anyone's permission to stay in a relationship. And it definitely sounds like this one has run its course.
I would make a free half-hour appointment with a few solicitors locally and get their advice on what you can expect as a settlement. You may need to sell the house and buy elsewhere... it depends on a lot of factors and as you're not married you don't get as much protection under the law.
As PP suggested ask CAB about help from benefits. I would think you'll get working tax credit and if you do stay in the house you might be able to get housing benefit/mortgage relief.
I will do thank you - I know he needs to look at his drinking (so does he but one minute he asks me to support that, then when I do he tells me to get off his case)
I was hoping that someone might have had a positive end to enlighten me with - I know I will be ok, just want to make sure he and my girl will be too. I worry that if I go legal he will get arsy, he can be very awkward, when I last spoke about us splitting up he asked how I would manage with work and toddler. When I said we will manage, he basically said "manage this" and left a few hours before a shift, forcing me to find alternative childcare (I really didn't want to let my boss down with such short notice) - which I then had to cancel (embarrassing) when he returned home just in time...it's like a game and he doesn't realise how stressful that is, especially as I had to take my girl on a job with me, wondering what I can do and not being able to concentrate on anything. I just told him that he is proving that I don't need that in my life.
It definitely sounds as if you should split up with him. Just being unhappy is a good enough reason to end the relationship, but his behaviour towards you is unacceptable and worrying. So my advice would be to trust your instinct and end things - which it sounds like you want to do, you're just not sure how?
I suggest you get legal advice about living arrangements and finances. This could be a free half hour with a solicitor, and/or a call or appointment with the Citizens Advice Bureau.
If the house and mortgage are in both your names you will definitely need legal advice on what to do about that. It would also be a good idea to find out if you would be entitled to benefits, tax credits etc.
If your DD lives with you, your partner would legally have to give you child maintenance payments to help you support her financially. The amount would be dependent on his income. You would need to go through the CSA if he doesn't agree to it.
Also think about contact arrangements for your DD to see her father, if he wants to stay in her life and would be responsible enough to look after her (i.e. without being drunk).
Have you got a close friend, sister or someone else you can talk to in real life? I'm sure it would be a big help to have some RL support.
I do thank you, some friends and family but they can't all magically tell me all will be fine... That's what this place is for isn't it?! ;-)
I think I just needed it confirming that I'm not being a cow. They are bias.
I will speak to cab first (after speaking to him, you never know, he might agree to move out, that might sort him out and get him straight and we can agree having our daughter as and when suits us both and payments etc amicably without getting legal... Who knows, when he is ok he is reasonable)
...ever the optimist...
You call him your fiance? FGS I hope you aren't planning to marry him any time soon.
Whether or not he is an alcoholic is by the by. His drinking is affecting you and his relationship with you. He is choosing to prioritise his drinking over you so it is a drink problem. Highly unlikely this would ever improve unless the situation where he is basically being enabled by you (you are his chauffeur, dogsbody and breadwinner) changes radically.
He will get arsey, of course. I've never heard of a relationship break up where there hasn't been arsiness, especially when the user/abuser has his bluff called. If you want to minimise potential arsiness could you present it to him as a temporary separation to review your relationship and see if that's the kick in the arse he needs.
I do think you should get legal advice before you talk to him, just so that you can find out where you stand and what you'd be entitled to - you don't have to act on any of it until you've spoken to him.
Don't let him fob you off with promises that he will change. I'm sure you'll hoping that he will magically transform into a wonderful partner but I'm sorry to say that he won't! Even so if you want to give him a chance I suggest you separate to begin with and set conditions eg he deals with his drinking problem - but he has to actually want this himself. If he's just going through the motions to please you, it won't be much help to anyone.
I don't know if you're actively planning a wedding (you'd be mad to in these circumstances) but if anything is planned or booked, please cancel and put it all on hold for now.
When you say that friends and family are biased, do you mean they're on your side? If so, that's how it should be. Anyone who loves you and knows this man would want you to end things with him.
OP, I noticed that you started your post by saying that you might make him sound like a bad person but he wasn't really.
You then go on in the rest of your post to describe, to my mind, a bad person. Whatever one of those is. It's clear that, as a minimum, he's an arsehole you'd be better off without.
He snaps at you, plays games with you and your daughter to punish you (the leaving you without childcare example), he is an alcoholic, says he is fed up of the work/home routine (answer: man-up. It's called being an adult), he's lost his driving licence and expects you to drive him about without a word of thanks, you suspect he will be arsey and difficult if you try to separate.
Do you see what I'm saying?
I'm a man, btw, in case it matters. Men like him make my blood boil.
Thank you, I think it will have to be an end of the line break, we had some time apart a while back and plans and promises were made but we just slip into the old routines and the same cycle. It would probably just prolong it but when our girl is more aware and vulnerable. I just hope he sees sense and stays being a great Dad (because he really is, just a bit daunted I think). Hopefully he will feel less responsibility when he is living away from me and the mortgage etc.
We don't have plans to marry, it sounds awful and (again) weak of me but I didn't feel right planning anything after time, we just didn't have the money when we first got engaged.
Thanks for all of your advice it's really good to share everything, my family and friends (the ones I have spoken to) are great (i know that they would all be but hate to talk behind his back it feels disloyal) and that really helps, I know I am lucky but I just felt like I needed someone to listen / read willingly rather than feeling as though I am bugging them for the same reassurance over and over...plus you dont know him so cant try to talk to him and unwittingly make things worse - lame sorry.
He is a good person honestly - he just gets so bogged down by worry over (yes the adult) stuff. Its Good to get a man's point of view thank you - I am related to some real gooduns :-) but for some reason I choose men (only had 2 adult relationships) who turn to drink which is weird because I don't really drink myself! If I was a little more self involved I would assume that I'm the bleeding reason but refuse to go down that road...it could be a pretty self destructive one and I don't think I deserve that.
OP, I hear what you say.
But what, in your definition, would constitute a bad person then? Serious question, I'm not trying to be clever. I just can't understand how you can think what you say you do given how you've described this guy.
I suppose because I know him - he has his moments when the old him is there and relaxed. But it doesn't last. I suppose now you ask I just don't want him to be hated on here, it isn't fair when he isn't able to stand up for himself... I would be mortified if he knew I was airing our 'dirty washing' in public.
Plus I have a habit of jumping to the defence of anybody being badmouthed...it's really annoying because I end up going against my own instincts but at least I'm aware of it luckily. My Mum is aware too lol if she starts to really get annoyed with him we can end up with me saying 'he can't help it!' When actually I just want to agree and have a good old bitch!
And I not entirely blameless, I am not good at keeping him updated with my
Plans for work etc which does sometimes leave him not knowing what he will have to do after work or over weekends etc. And I leave the food shopping and meals to him. I just find it difficult to get accustomed to my new routine myself, never mind considering him too :-/
It's sounds like you have many perfectly good reasons to split, the main one being he doesn't make you happy. You don't need any other reason.
Lots of women manage being lone parents, I have no experience myself, I know it must be hard at times, but can it be worse than dealing with your twat DF?
Op yes you will get help with childcare and living costs. Google universal credit calculator and that will tell you what you will get.
Your dp will also have to pay maintenance
I think there is a difference between being a "bad person" and behaving badly. Most people aren't 100% bad - why would you be in a relationship with them in the first place, otherwise?
There might be reasons why he is an alcoholic, reasons he is treating you badly, but ultimately he can help it - he can choose to get support for his issues, choose to change his behaviour, and he's not doing that.
Maybe if you let go of this "bad person" idea and just focus on how being in a relationship with him makes you feel (unhappy!) then you might feel less guilty?
You have tried and it hasn't worked. You owe it to yourself and your daughter to walk away.
It might be the wake up call he needs to sort himself out - it might not. But you can't come second to his drinking and his moods for ever.
That's a great way to look at it thank you - currently just the slightest thing makes me feel bad about how I feel - he bought a reduced pudding for me the other day and I felt awful! But that isn't healthy either so just confirms that I need to be away. Thanks everybody for your help :-)
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