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DH is emotionally unsupportive and dwells on his problems

(18 Posts)
tomatoesarered Fri 29-May-15 08:31:29

If he gets any stress in his life (generally work related) he completely withdraws emotionally from me. All he talks about is this problem. It is like he looks through me as this is on his mind and he cannot focus on me. I try to listen and reassure him and after a while it passes, but it is very draining at the time. He has been like this for a few weeks now and during this time I have had a very stressful episode myself and really need his support emotionally but instead he has made me feel like an inconvenience. I am so upset that he cannot switch off from work issues to give me the back up I really need especially because it is very rare that I require this. How can I get through to him. He knows how upset I am and I have expressed how I feel but a minute later it seems forgotten.

confusedoflondon Fri 29-May-15 10:16:47

Do your needs supercede his?

GoatsDoRoam Fri 29-May-15 10:19:59

This bit is completely normal: "I try to listen and reassure him and after a while it passes, but it is very draining at the time."

That's what being supportive is. Yeah, it's a bit draining, but hopefully you want to support your OH through a hard time.

He should, though, be able to offer the same to you. It's shit if you're both experiencing troubles at the same time, but can you both support each other? Or do you feel that it really only goes one way?

Snog Fri 29-May-15 10:23:56

Maybe couples counselling could help you both as it sounds like your communication could work better between the two of you.
Sorry to hear you are having a tough time and it's definitely reasonable to expect emotional support from your partner. Maybe he doesn't know how to give it.

confusedoflondon Fri 29-May-15 10:25:40

Also I'd assume his work issues are unavoidable at present - he's not choosing to be stressed at the exact same time you are stressed. Unless it's a major thing like a bereavement or serious illness worry I think you're being a little bit self centred and emotionally immature about this , sorry.

TheHobbit Fri 29-May-15 10:33:10

My DP is like this. He has bipolar and its extremely draining. He cannot cope with anything but himself and if I need help he then tells me we are now just friendshmm

I know exactly where you are coming from. He also goes through an episode if I get sick or anxious which is fun as I have generalised anxiety disorder which I have to keep to myself as it just puts him in another episode. Everything is always about him and if its not he will twist it so it does become about him again.

Its really hard but I find solice in meditation and bipolar support chats online to get through. What also helps is ignoring him and waiting for him to come to me. I have to negate my feelings and let him guide me which seems to be working so far. PM me if you want to talk as I truly do understand.

fearandloathinginambridge Fri 29-May-15 10:34:41

I don't think you are being self-centred or emotionally immature. I can fully understand what it is like to live with someone who becomes so focused on their own issues that they have no room to consider yours. I have one like this at home. All we do is talk about his drama and he finds it very hard to deal with mine to the point that any problems I have he turns into his own drama, its all about how it makes him feel.

I don't have any advice. I'm afraid I just listen and nod at the right points and don't bother discussing my problems with him any more.

confusedoflondon Fri 29-May-15 10:40:46

That's fair point. If you marry / get with someone like that then that's what you can expect. People do tend to bare themselves early on and if you have a man who focusses on his own stuff then that's what you can expect of him. Not saying he's wrong, just saying that's how he operates. You in turn are focussing on yours but not getting input from him. Different styles of relationship.

ALaughAMinute Fri 29-May-15 10:43:08

"All he talks about is this problem. It is like he looks through me as this is on his mind and he cannot focus on me."

It almost sounds as if he's having some kind of breakdown, in which case it might be a good idea to get him to see his GP.

tomatoesarered Fri 29-May-15 11:32:58

He's not having a breakdown. He goes through this every so often and I normally nod and reassure and try my best to support him. I feel massively let down that this one time I really need him to be there for me he is too wrapped up in his issues to see my needs. He is the only person in my life who I am close too who has let me down. Friends have been amazing and such a contrast to his lack of 'being there'.

quirkycutekitch Fri 29-May-15 11:55:28

My ex is like this - it wasn't so much a problem until our DS come along And he was totally unable to support me - that was the beginning of the end.

Jan45 Fri 29-May-15 15:46:33

So you actually know this is just him and the way he is, only you know if it's worth suffering his couldn't care less attitude, I can see why you feel let down though.

AnyFucker Fri 29-May-15 15:51:45

He sounds very selfish

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 29-May-15 16:40:39

Do you mind me mentioning a thread you posted on AIBU tomatoesarered, about your MIL's unrelenting negativity? I wonder if your DH grew up "tuning out" the worries and problems expressed regularly in that household. It might explain the lack of support that's hurtful. He then gets immersed in work and yet expects you to listen to him sound off about work related issues.

tomatoesarered Fri 29-May-15 17:07:59

I think you may have a really good point Donkeys. Is there any hope for him? Or could a childhood like that have made him emotionally crap?

ClawofBumhead Fri 29-May-15 18:31:21

It sounds like he's constantly teetering on the edge of a breakdown, but managing to stay functional enough to keep working.

I've been there. If you let go for a second the walls might come tumbling down, but there's the family so you just don't let go.

It can be difficult to be as emotionally concentrated on someone else as you might otherwise be, when your mind is a maelstrom but there is no option to break.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 29-May-15 19:17:22

I don't know tbh but going back to what Snog suggests upthread, maybe joint counselling would help you each to frame requests for help.

quirkycutekitch Sat 30-May-15 07:47:09

donkeys that is so my exmil too!

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