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Instant advice / sanity check needed on BF's apparent disaster

(14 Posts)
excitedbutscared Thu 28-May-15 22:28:04

I don't know what to do (tonight)...

BF who I've been almost a year and a half called me earlier (we only see each other over weekends) and I couldn't answer his call. So called him back half an hour later and he dropped my calls, twice. When I texted saying sorry I'd missed his calls and i'd tried calling back but it kept going to voicemail, he said he was too angry to talk. I said he could talk to me, angry or not, and that I would try and call him again in half an hour. He said he would call me, that he loves me and always tries to put me first, but has so much shit going on with other people (99% sure it's work related) that he needs to deal with them first. I told him that I understood and that I would always support him and here for him for when he is ready. He replied saying "You're the best"

So, do I leave it completely tonight even if he doesn't call? Not trying to make this all about me, but I'm a bit hurt that he can't find time to talk to me, as he has been replying to trivial threads on social networks during this time, but not take my or make a call to me. Am I being a self absorbed cow? I mean there's being there for someone who says they love you and there's being a doormat.. sorry - I'm a bit emotional right now

Question is, do I leave it and go to bed - or sit up waiting all night in case he calls and genuinely needs to talk? Or do I wait until I'm going to bed and call him anyway.. even though he said he'd call me and I said that's ok and I'm here when HE'S ready - would be a bit contradictory if I did that wouldn't it.

This sounds so petty - but you guys are my virtual friends!

AyMamita Thu 28-May-15 22:30:26

I don't understand. Why was he too angry to talk to you? Was he angry that you missed his call, or angry about the "shit going on with other people"?

excitedbutscared Thu 28-May-15 22:31:57

Angry about another situation, I'm assuming with work / people as there's been pressure brewing

DragonsCanHop Thu 28-May-15 22:32:30

Don't join in with his drama, go to bed.

How bad can it be? I would not sit up all night!

excitedbutscared Thu 28-May-15 22:34:25

The worst it could be is that he's lost his job, which would be devastaing in many ways. I feel a bit discounted in terms of sharing what's going on and also guilty for not being able to be there for him..

Norest Thu 28-May-15 22:34:57

Well on the social networking..I often use sites when I am stressed and just have easy conversations with people, blow off steam, connect in a way that will distract me...that sort of thing. So that could explain why he is on social media..it's easy to type a few words and be jokey online about trivial things, much harder to have a difficult emotional conversation.

I would not sit up and wait for him to call, I would turn my phone to silent and find something to do for the next hour or so which I will enjoy..nice long bath, good book, glass of wine or maybe a comedy. Sitting up waiting all night for a call that may or may not come is kind of extreme don't you think? Unless it is a life or death sort of situation / real crisis.

But can I ask..why do you only see each other weekends? Also why do you feel like a doormat? Because of tonight, or is it more than that?

saturnvista Thu 28-May-15 22:35:27

I would go to bed and see how he's feeling in the morning. When a man says they're too angry to talk, I interpret that as a need for space and to very trivial stupid stuff while they're trying not to think about the real issue (at work, not you!).

twistletonsmythe Thu 28-May-15 22:51:56

I would stop pandering to him and ask him to learn some manners. How rude of him. An stop being so available and telling him you support him - does he offer you the same courtesy? I very much doubt it. You sound like you are sitting round waiting for crumbs of comfort.

Jackw Thu 28-May-15 23:05:40

Hmmm, year and a half but only see each other weekends. Also, you seem uncertain of how/where you are with him. This long in, he should be being straight with you rather than keeping you guessing. It sounds like a lot of drama to me. I would ignore. Actually, I'd be thinking about getting rid. Not enough proper closeness, like most people would be after a year and a half.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Thu 28-May-15 23:12:21

Just go to bed! You should have left it when he dropped your call, you need to regain a bit of control here.

excitedbutscared Thu 28-May-15 23:13:25

Thanks Norest

Your reasoning for the social media is helpful

We only see each other at weekends because I have 2 DCs and we live an hour away from each other.

Jackw - that's what's been running through my head, which has surprised me and I feel awful - but to be honest, it does feel a bit one way a lot of the time and for a year and a half in, I'm just not sure we have that close connection, not enough anyway.

He did just call, told me his woes, which were not as bad as I thought they might be for for whatever reason, something had happened that had really got to him in a big way. We're all different I suppose.

My angst and nervousness of whether to call or push him further actually have hit me and worried me and made me wonder if this is right. They don't feel it. I do love him, but I feel that I'm either being kept at arms length or that connection just isn't there and if it isn't there now, how can it ever be (naturally, without there being a massive drama for it to be forced or tested one way or the other)

I'm actually knackered, but feel guilty that I am not being loyal or supportive

excitedbutscared Thu 28-May-15 23:16:09

Ehric - That's what my head says, then my emotions texingfingers say something different. I'm so annoyed with myself

Trills Thu 28-May-15 23:18:30

it's easy to type a few words and be jokey online about trivial things, much harder to have a difficult emotional conversation

Yes. Definitely.

excitedbutscared Thu 28-May-15 23:22:11

So am I wrong to feel unimportant Trills? I do completely get what you're saying and that question isn't me saying I think that way, I just don't operate that way myself but am completely open to being understanding with how other people may deal with it. Guess I'm just taking it way to personally?

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