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How to help

(5 Posts)
bachsingingmum Thu 28-May-15 09:09:12

My DD is part of a friendship group who met at university. They are now in their mid 20s, highly educated young women and economically independent. One of their number is in a relationship that has turned controlling and abusive. They don't think physically, but certainly emotionally. They only met 4 months ago, but he demands that all her non-working hours are spent with him, won't let her see friends/family, reads her phone, criticises her appearance/clothes etc, and when she displeases him in some way tells her she has 12 hours to make it up to him. DD says he comes across as clever and charming to start with, but he sounds like a sociopath. Her friends are very worried about her. Despite her achievements she suffers from chronic lack of self-esteem, making her a perfect victim for this man.

DD called me last night to ask how do they help? Dealing with the practicalities will be fine (place to stay, any legal stuff etc etc) but the woman needs to decide to leave him first and they worry that if they go in too hard she'll just cut them off. Just saying "we're here for you" feels to them too soft. They've considered "kidnapping" her and delivering her to her parents for a few days so she gets space to think. Any other ideas MN friends?

Pancakeflipper Thu 28-May-15 13:13:39

Until the person wants to leave there's little they can do. She may turn her back on them which is what controlling partner wants. Then it's harder when she realises she needs to get out.

But if she's wanting to break away from them then they can discuss options and smother her in love.

One of the gang could possible speak to her one to one and say they are concerned but they have to respect what they hear and not shout them down if the friend says she's fine. But that could cause problems.

It's not at all easy watching someone you adore pulled away by a controlling monster. But she will hopefully find strength to get out.

Skiptonlass Thu 28-May-15 13:26:37

What a tough situation and credit to your dd for being so mature.

Can you invite this girl over for a weekend? Sans her awful bf of course. Sit her down and talk to her, show her some of the resources on here that detail this kind of abuse ? Make her realise it's not normal, and that she has a group of friends who are there for her.

Most importantly, she needs to know that you will be there for her. She has to make the call, but let her know that whenever she does, you'll all be there for her.

I think a weekend away from him and mixture of hard truths and lots of love may be all you can do.

RandomMess Thu 28-May-15 13:32:52

Can they keep turning up on her doorstep to visit/pop in uninvited so she knows that they will be there for her regardless of how she ends up treating them to keep him happy?

Have they got the guts to use his charm against him by inviting her out overnight in front of him there and then so he won't show himself up by refusing type of thing?

"Oh you don't mind do you Johnny, we so want a special girlie night sleepover" Big smiles all around even though he'll be seething underneath...

bachsingingmum Fri 29-May-15 10:43:58

Thanks all. I will suggest your idea Random.

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